Okay, so here's the deal. Motherhood-awesome, amazing, loving it. Seriously, I am. Also it is hard as fuck man. Monday I was so exhausted I cried because my kid peed on me and my husband said the most obvious thing, cover up his penis, which I was wiping at the time so I got so upset I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I'm not embarrassed about it. I was frigging tired man from the weekend of suckage that was my first mama's day. This parenthood stuff is no joke. Joe and I are realizing we're just going to be tired for forever now. That's just the way it is. We cannot schedule it out to make it easier. Trust me we are trying and it is NOT working. We're just going to be tired and slightly resent the other person who gets to sleep. That is truth right there.
But I cannot stress enough how much I love my kid. My heart could figuratively explode with all the love I feel for him. Also sometimes I want to scream from how frustrated he can make me feel. But then he'll giggle or smile with his little dimple or fall asleep on me and I melt. He's perfect to me. It's ridiculous. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I really thought that would end as the pregnancy hormones dissipated. Joke was on me. All the parent things in t.v. shows and movies, I now side with the parent and just frigging bawl. Ariel saying "I love you daddy", I.am.a.mess. Teenagers being horrible to their parents, go parents for dealing with that ish. Kids hugging their mama, dying. Ri.Dic.U.Lous.
This year I can say I know at least 30 people who have had or are about to have a child. Good luck ladies. I am a mess. An amazing mess but a mess nonetheless. My house is a wreck, okay it's only a tiny one bedroom apartment not a house, and it's a wreck. Don't judge me. I'm working and tired and raising a kid and it's hard to clean your space up when all you want to do is sleep for 2000 years but there is a baby screaming to get on your boob and when he's not you just want to watch him be adorable and help him developmentally. I cannot express how many stupid books I have read, the plans for sign language, the developmental toys, the amount of cloth books I read over and over, the tummy time we are both doing so I can help this boy-o have a leg up hopefully. I'm sure none of the grand plans I have for early sign language to speaking to reading and writing will really make that much of a huge difference but I am crazy enough to think "well what if it does, I should stress myself out any way possible if it helps Finny". I'm a nut job. Also I miss hanging out with friends. Most times I want to sleep but I really would love to see people. It's hard to make an effort though. Yesterday was the day I FINALLY showered after being so disgusting for 5 days and not showering. But it was honestly just to tough to find the time or effort to clean myself. I get it, I'm gross. Whatever.
I'm honestly okay with this new found grossness and lameness most of the time. However, I get these pangs of realizing I'm a social person and desperately need to hang out with someone or get attention and thus I try a little too hard I think. It's okay, I know I'll figure it out. Currently I am desperately clinging to friends who are parents and get why I'm insane, stalking pals on Facebook, desperately texting/calling friends for contact, and trying to plan the occasional outing to save my sanity. One thing I am currently looking forward to is the 5th Annual Vegan Beer Fest this Saturday. Joe and I have never missed one and I am especially excited about this one. Granted I cannot drink like I usually do but I will eat the crap out of the food and see some pals and enjoy some great beer. It's going to be epic.
The other two things I am looking forward to: Joe walks tomorrow for his PhD after 11 years of college (3 undergrad, 3 masters, 5 PhD program)!!! SO FRIGGING EXCITED ABOUT THIS! We have a doctor in the house, well a doctor of mathematics, so that's pretty [nerdy] cool. Also Finn & I fly back to MI to introduce him to his aunts and uncles on my side. I cannot contain my excitement about my brothers and sisters meeting my little dude! It is going to be such an awesome time. I know they will love the crap out of him just like I do. Plus my ma and pops are going nuts about getting to see him again since they miss him so much. And I am going to meet up with some pals in my hometown so it's going to be a great trip. YAY! I am just a little nervous about traveling via plane with Finny solo. He'll only be 4 months so I want to be sure I am ready to go with anything he may need on the plane (e.g. boob juice, diapers, wipes, burp clothes, rattle, blanket, etc.). Hopefully the traveling part goes REALLY well. I just cannot wait!
This peek into my mind/life really reveals how frigging random and insane I am. *Sigh* Well enjoy. I am crazy, it's cool. Exhaustion just lets it creep out a little bit more than usual and I am okay with it. Judge me if you want, I'm honestly too tired and crazy to care. Now off to snuggle my giant (seriously he's HUGE: an ounce short of 16lbs. at his 3 month check up 2 weeks ago and 26.25" long). Adios chickens!
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