Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of Sentiment

Holy crap, it's been almost a year since I got married! It'll be eight years in February that we've been together. We've weathered a long distance 3 states apart year together, a cross country from Chicago/Michigan to California move, way too many years of being SUPER broke, years of my back failing, Joe working on his PhD for 5 years (SO glad this is the last year!), adopting 2 rescue pups that made our hearts explode with love and trouble, a "surgery-not-pregnancy-shotgun-wedding", a spine surgery where I thought I may die, a very unplanned pregnancy surprise, finding out I'm a carrier for Fragile X, testing me and our son a million times to find out he is also a carrier. After all that we are still together, loving each other, fighting for each other and our family, and still believing the other person is the MoneyPenny whilst we are the James Bond of the relationship (I'm clearly the alpha guys). I love this guy so much! He is the most amazing best friend, husband, partner, and dada out there. He just is.

We are having our Year Anniversary BBQ & Brunch back in Michigan for our family members & friends that couldn't make it out to L.A. for our actual wedding on 10/11/12. It's super casual and low key but I am really excited. I'm excited for Michigan fall, for being on a lake at a Lodge for the BBQ, for having loads of vegan options that will be delicious, for a pickle table, for pies for dessert, for the fire pit, for the Robert Cavalli dress I received as a wedding present to wear for the event from my L.A. "mom" (I feel like a princess in it!), for seeing family and friends, for apple cider, for apple butter, for fun, and for silly times! This is going to be a great anniversary and a great party with great people. I will walk around barefoot. I will breathe in all the fall I can. And I will celebrate the shit out of loving the guy who puts up with my craziness every damn day. I love him so much and can't wait to celebrate!

I'm pretty lucky in the family I've created. I love the crap out of these four dudes. Joe is the best person ever and makes me want to be a better person-he helped me find me and love me by loving him I also started to love myself the way he did (believe it or not this gal had some super low self-esteem and he helped me see that that was not okay). Colonel Mustard is my first baby and such a little snuggle bug-he taught me to be a mama for real. Zebbie is my little cutie bug full of spunk and smart as a whip-he taught me that having more than one "son" just means your heart expands to make room for everyone. And Grapefruit Baby-having you in my belly is a trip, I love you so much already baby boy, I cannot wait to hold you and smooch the crap out of you in January! I really love my little family and cannot wait to celebrate this little milestone with our extended brood that we consider to be our big family! Some of we're related to, some we're not but all mean the world to us! Get ready for loads of pictures of silliness y'all. It is guaranteed!

Have wonderful weeks dear Chickens!


Monday, September 16, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of Promises

To My Son,

    Wowzers. You're getting so big. Twenty-two weeks in my belly and you're the size of a papaya! Stop growing already. I mean don't but also kind of because there is very little room in there left. I swear. I am thinking about you loads and loads these days and I just thought maybe we should agree on some things now before we meet so when we meet we can just be wrapped up in the awesomeness of being in love with each other and not have to worry about all this technical stuff. So here we go...

Things I Promise You:

1.) I will love you so much, so fiercely, so completely, so fully, so RIDICULOUSLY, no matter what. I mean that. No matter what. No matter if you decide your mama being vegan is insane and you don't want to be vegan, no matter if you are gay/straight/bi/trans/peach/pink/grey/purple/blue/brown/red/ginger/blonde/brunette/bald/curly-haired/blue eyed/green eyed/brown eyed/hazel eyed/some crazy color I've never seen eyed, no matter if you're sweet or mean, no matter if you're the smartest or the bravest or the most talented or not, no matter any crazy thing you could ever do or say or think. I swear to you I will love you. No.Matter.What.

2.) I will try really, really hard to be patient. I cannot guarantee anything but I will try to remember myself as a youngin' and recall that I drove my parents and siblings and teachers and basically every adult almost completely insane with my incessant chattering and rebelliousness and curiosity and imagination and stubbornness; I will then try to remind myself you are part of me and thus probably going to the same. So I will try to sigh and smile and hug you and remember this is part of what will make you awesome and silly and inquisitive as an adult. I will also try to remember that you are part of your Dad-a who drives me CRAZY on the daily and that you may inherit some of this as well. Again, I will try to sigh and smile and swallow and say I love you and then shut my big mouth. I guess I will try to do that with your Dad more too.

3.) I promise to be silly and play and see things with my child-heart so I can help you be silly and play and see with your child-heart and foster that and your little spirit. Nothing is more serious than play my love. You learn so much with your imagination. I still learn so much from being silly and playing. The other day baby-sitting your soon-to-be new pals K (she'll be 3 when you get here) & C (he'll be almost 2 when you get here) reminded me that seeing a Disney film for the first time is SO exciting, that 3 hour naps are sometimes exactly what you need, that spaghetti is "stinky", that singing and banging on instruments and dancing LOUD is the best remedy to a bad day or moment, and that sometimes you just need to be a monster and practice your different levels of roaring. So we will be silly and play every day my little man.

4.) I promise that we will read from day one. Reading just like imagination helps you learn EVERYTHING. You and I will get familiar with Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, Jeff Moss, E.B. White, A.A. Milne, Maurice Sendak, Margaret Wise Brown, J.K. Rowling, Eric Carle, Madeleine L'Engle, C.S. Lewis, Roald Dahl, Frances Hodgson Burnett, Ludwig Bemelmans, Norton Juster, J.R.R. Tolkein, Beverly Cleary, HR & Margaret Rey, Beatrix Potter, Bill Martin Jr., Judy Blume, Esphyr Slobodkina, Lois Lowry, Ian Falconer, John Steptoe, Else Homelund Minarik, Philip Pullman, Sandra Boynton, Arnold Lobel, L.M. Montgomery, Kenneth Grahame, Don Freeman, Watty Piper, Patricia Polacco, Patricia MacLachlan, Joanna Cole, Katherine Paterson, Dav Pilkey, Judith Viorst, James Lincoln Collier, Judi and Ron Barrett, Jean de Brunhoff, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Mother Goose, The Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, Aesop, Joseph Jacobs, Charles Perrault, and so many more. I promise they will open your world to new worlds, people, characters, emotions, and ways of thinking.

5.) I promise you will learn the value of teamwork via sports, creativity via art, and hardwork via music. I promise you that all aspects of your education will be encouraged. Dad will handle math, music, science, and some sports (soccer, tennis, golf, baseball and softball). Mama will help you with languages,  history, art, theatre, and some other sports (swimming, football, basketball, and baseball). You will be able to experience it all, find your strengths, work on your not-so-strong areas with encouragement and appreciation for both. It's so important to learn baby and to encourage others to enjoy it with you.

6.) I promise to teach you to cook (Dad will help too!), to fold a fitted sheet & towels properly, how to do your own laundry, to drive in the city, to shop for groceries, to balance your bank account (Dad will definitely help!), to read, to swim, to jump in puddles and on your bed, to wish on stars and dandelions, to appreciate being outside, to treat everyone with love and kindness, to stand up for others and yourself, to whistle, to wink, to blow a raspberry/zerbert, to fall in love with classic t.v./cartoons/movies, to appreciate a day off, to always give it your all, that if you did your best that is enough, to be proud of yourself, to do the next right thing, to love all genres of music/books/films/t.v., to dance silly and proud, to sing loud and often, to love fiercely, to be loyal, to share, to be curious, to question, to think, and to be brave, to look people in the eye, the proper way to shake hands, how to properly wipe your butt and then wash your hands, that hugs and kisses and laughter are the best medicine, how to say please and thank you and I'm sorry, to forgive, how to throw a punch and that it should be only used as a very last resort if someone is hurting you or someone else and most importantly that thinking and talking to someone is the best way to resolve conflict-make a friend of an enemy, how to make the best sandwiches in the world, to give without expecting any return, that we all belong to each other and to this world, how to follow through, a strong work ethic, that honesty is always the best policy, to be kind, and most importantly of all that if you love and are loved-you have all you need.

7.) I promise to try not to judge your decisions or life based on my expectations of it. I will try really hard not to have expectations for your life and development and choices and let you be you. I will always pick you up anywhere you are, no matter the situation. If you find yourself at a party and are drinking and need a ride home I will get you no matter what. If you are ever uncomfortable anywhere I will come get you no matter what. I will reserve judgement and remember I, too, have made many mistakes.

8.) I promise to always be honest with you. Always. I will answer any question you ever have as honestly as I can. I will always help you seek truth in life and seek your truth and voice in your life. I promise that we can talk about anything, ever.

9.)  I promise to encourage you to believe in magic. Real and not so real. Fairies and pirates and wizards and vampires and flying cars and monsters can exist. The magic of love exists. Magic is everywhere if you know how to look for it. And we will look for it my love.

10.) I promise to remind you every day that you are special and unique and that also you have to work hard for what you want and no one "deserves" anything but love and respect. The rest is earned. Trust, opportunities, awards, money, etc. all come after putting in the time and effort needed to EARN them. 

11.) I promise to say good night and kiss you every single night you are alive as long as you will let me. And when that is no longer "cool" I will allow you your freedom and try to keep my tears for after you are asleep.

12.) I promise to advocate and fight for you tooth and nail. I would do anything for you my buddy.

13.) I promise to teach you all the best curse words, how to effectively use them, and words that are not to be used as there is no point to them other than to hurt someone. Those are truly the only curse words and we will promise to each other never to use them.

14.) I promise you loads of pizza and ice cream. Vegan or not. Every kid deserves pizza and ice cream. And sometimes for just no reason. Sometimes you just need to "treat yo'self" and we will my love.

15.) I promise we will celebrate holidays, birthdays, accomplishments of character, and acts of kindness and bravery with gusto! Get ready kiddo.

16.) I promise Disney and you will be best pals. No worries there my love, mama has got that on lock.

17.) I promise you can wear what you want to within reason. Stripes and plaids, do it dude. Glow in the dark rain boots with shorts, why the heck not? Anything mean-spirited or covered with naked ladies, no go guy.

18.) I promise to teach you respect for everyone. That everyone is equal. That in this world where people are not treated equally or respected we should strive to right that wrong. We should fight for fair wages, to end racism, to end sexism, to end ageism, to end sizeism, to end LBGTQ discrimination. To remember we all belong to one another. That we are not objects or pawns or less-than anyone else based on factors we cannot control. That the only thing that makes us less is hate in our hearts and minds, discrimination, closed-mindedness, intolerance, and cruelty.

19.) I promise to teach you that gender stereotypes are LAME. Girls can play football, boys can sing and dance, pink and blue are colors that anyone can love, that if you want a truck or a doll or both you can play with them. I will teach you that being a man isn't about what you wear or play with, neither is being a woman. I will teach you respect for the differences and similarities between both genders. Never listen to anyone who tells you different.

20.) I promise that no matter what, how bad or horribly mean you've been that moment or day, how sad or mad or glad you are with me or Dada, even if you say you hate me, I will always love you. That sorry is the first step, hugs and kisses help to solve hurts, that you can work hard to earn back trust and that I love yous are always important. And I will love you buddy, no matter what. It is my first and last promise to you. I will love you always and in all ways. Unconditionally. No conditions to that love my little man. Got that? Always and all ways kiddo.

Things for You to Promise Me:

1.) To be the best you that you can be. 

2.) To always try your best.

3.) To keep an open mind and heart.

That's it buddy.  Those pretty much cover it all. If you're being your best and trying your hardest and keeping your mind and heart open nothing can stand in your way and there is nothing you cannot accomplish and no friend you cannot make. You're going to be great, I just know it.

So get ready kid. January is right around the corner. Now that we have our agreements in place you can just snuggle up to me and Dada and Colonel Mustard and Zebbie. These pups cannot wait to meet you, they snuggle my belly all day and night knowing you're in there. You guys will be great brothers. Take care of them and they will take care of you. We'll all take care of you buddy. You just keep growing big and strong (and maybe kick somewhere other than the same spot that you have now internally bruised in Mama). Love you bug!


Friday, September 13, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of 100 Degree Melting

I'm melting. September in Los Angeles is hell. One hundred degree weather hell. I am melting. My pregnant body is already so damn hot and this heat is making me want to die. So in the spirit of whining but in a funny way here is my List of My Pregnant Body Hates Me. It is all the stuff no one told me about and the silly dumb complaints I have that mean nothing in the scheme of things. I hope you laugh.

1) My boobs. They're huge y'all. Size 36G huge. They shot up from a 36DD to a 36G. There isn't even milk in there yet! I will poke someone's eye out soon and probably suffocate my son with my boobs. RIDICULOUS. And finding bras, HA! Specialty orders and they are not cheap. Damn too huge boobs.

2) My son is karate kicking my insides or doing backflips or flips turns off my uterus. I think he thinks he's a ninja or a merman but that shit hurts. I have yelled at him for being a dick. I started with the "ow!" and "please don't kick mama" and am now onto "knock it the fuck off, you're being a dick". He's not even that big yet, only pomegranate sized and he likes to hit the same damn spot every time. He's a ginger jerk, I can already tell we're going to have issues with this little dude.

3) The backne that I have is disgusting. My back looks like 16 teenagers sought revenge curses on it. Cool it hormones! And it's not my face, it's my back and shoulders. I even found a pimple on my arm and my leg. What the what?! Get it together body!

4) There is WAY too much discharge happening. Sorry dudes (& those ladies who don't know about this grossness). I feel disgusting all the time. There is no control. Just gross. Body-WHY?! Stop that nonsense immediately, please!

5) I no longer have control over my bladder or bowels. I sneeze and sometimes pee comes out, no control. I wake up in the middle of the night with an urgency to pee, I have no control. I fart and there is no option of holding it in, I have no control. I have had control over these areas of my body since I was 2 or 3, now at 28 I am having issues. UGH.

6) I am super dried out and yet secreting weird moisture. My nose, throat, and eyes are dry like the desert. I cannot wear my contacts for more than 4 hours without them feeling like sandpaper. My nose gets bleeds from how dry it is sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then realize I can't swallow because my throat is so dry so I am choking and peeing at the same time until I finish peeing and can get a drink of water that will inevitably make me have to pee again in 20 minutes. My skin is dry, my hair is dry, my nails are dry yet I am sweating bullets and again see number four. Get it together body!

7) I am not a weepy pregnant lady but a ragey pregnant lady. I have pals and relatives who told me they would cry at the drop of a hat. For me and my body it is rage, 0 to 100 mph rage. I am full blown ready to choke a bitch in 2 seconds when people are rude or stupid or asshats. It's bad. I may say things I shouldn't. I drop a million curse words in a second. The filter is off people and look out is all I'm saying.

8) I haven't craved food but I crave booze. This may be because I am Polish-Irish-Cherokee and have had some alcohol issues in the past. In college I drank a fifth chased by a bottle of Boone's Farm wine for a year and would be just a little drunk whilst most people would have had alcohol poisoning. I'm not bragging but I can count on one hand the number of times I've puked from drinking and on the other the number of times I've had a hang over (counting both it's less than 10). So my pregnant body isn't craving any foods it is craving Bloody Marys, bourbons on the rocks, whiskey sours, Polish Potato vodkas, vodka crans made like a gimlet first then add your dash of cran, etc. My go-to joke is that it's hard to be an ex-drunk on forced sobriety. It really is though. Honestly, I do not drink a lot anymore. Joe and I may have a beer or cocktail once a month/month & a half. But now, now that I can't have a drink it's all my preggo body wants. Seriously body, why do you hate me?! I'm not drinking anything, not even a sip of anything because as Admiral Ackbar said "it's a trap!"

9) I am either super exhausted or super energized, there is no in between. I am running around with loads of energy and am super woman or I am crashing and napping and super tired/cranky. No idea which it will be. Lately it's been mostly energy but then middle of last week it was mid-day nap session time. C'mon body, get it together.

10) I am too big for normal pants but too small for maternity pants to stay up on my body. At 21 weeks I really thought that the maternity pants would be fine but they keep slipping off my butt. I spend the day pulling my damn pants up. But no way can I wear the regular ones with the belly band anymore because I feel like I am being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste. Body, get bigger or smaller so I can wear some damn pants already! Jeez.

11) I am too damn hot. Not as in sexy hot but as in my temperature is at boiling. I will be in 66 degree air conditioning and sweating bullets. I sweat when I swim in the outdoor pool. The pool is set in the 60s, I am not swimming fast (I have no oxygen as this child steals it all so I breathe every other stroke which means NOT fast), why am I sweating so hard? I want L.A. weather to die. September why do you have to be the hottest month of the year?! WHY?! Please fall get here because my body temp hates me and is trying to boil me and my unborn child alive! I am not built for this weather, I am a pasty-ass ginger why is it so sunny and hot? For the love of all things stop the heat! AHHH!

So that's it (for now). My body (& son) hate me and are trying to kill me. Seriously. Not really though. But yes. Don't get me wrong, I am really loving being pregnant and all the cool/weird/amazing things that are happening as I expand and I love my son. Please don't think I don't. Just also know that the above eleven items are annoying as crap or painful or annoying as crap. Also please know that these are slightly exaggerated to make you laugh. Mostly facts, just told in a funny way or with over exaggerated emotion for comic effect. If you didn't get it well, I guess you're lame (another joke guys). Have great weekends chickens!


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of Read This!

This woman, seriously, just read this.

For real, just read that.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of It's A...

So the gender reveal, it's here! YAY! We are so excited to show you our pics. The shoot was a blast, even if we did lose 7 of our 9 balloons immediately and Joe and I got miffed at each other. Thank you to my college pal Kate Compton for our lovely shots & for making us laugh and forget the damn balloons and be silly and in love with each other and our baby. You're the best Kate! Without further ado, we're having a...

So it's a BOY! We're excited to meet our little man at the end of January [here's hoping my water doesn't break on stage during my Second City graduation show but if it does I know everyone will say "yes, and" to it ;) ]. Yay for little dudes!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of Catch Up

Sorry for the delay in posting. I needed some time & space away, to be in my real life for a bit and to sort through my emotional crazy ridiculous brain. So here is where I am.

I am doing better emotionally with all this. I am starting to feel a little less anxious & worried about the baby and trying to give myself the space I need to just feel this and analyze later. Therapy is helping loads, yes I'm in therapy and it's amazing. It's a safe space to say anything and feel anything and talk through it. I am so thankful for that outlet. I am still sorting through all the anger and sadness and feelings of loss, they're all still there and sometimes they hit hard. Mostly though I am starting to get excited about meeting our nugget in January. I am trying to sort through my feeling on more natural born kiddos in the future. I still don't know and that is okay. I am letting myself feel okay about not knowing because I really don't have a clue what I want to do. I am just trying to do the next right thing. I am using up all my improv skills in real life by just being in the moment, by listening (to others & myself), to saying yes when I can and running with it, and to not predetermine or pre-plan anything. I am just going with it. We shall see.

I also just want to thank those folks out there who have supported me & chatted with me about this a million times and still talk to me about it. I still am processing. I still need to discuss. I still need support and love and non-judgement and it feels good to talk to people. Those who are there in this Fragile X struggle as well, those who are important people in my life, and those who will listen without judgement no matter how well they know me or not. Thank you to all of you.

Thank you to the pals & relations who have already started our little collection of baby clothes/items too. Anna, Rebecca, Hep-you gals are awesome. Thank you! Cloth diapers, baby clothes, re-usable wipes, a baby bath-y'all are freaking amazing. Thank you. For serious.

On to the not-so-heavy stuff: I am back in improv class in my last level of the conservatory program at the prestigious Second City and I frigging love it. It is 3 hours every week where I get to play and be silly and am encouraged to explore a million characters and emotions and I LOVE IT. I needed it I think. It just feels safe and fun and silly and amazing. Plus my damn brain gets to shut down it's overdrive and just be present in the damn moment. That is so hard for me to do in life. Honestly my brain is like a computer with a buhjillion tabs all open and running at the same time or if you took every road in the United States and every car was a thought going all at the same time piled on top of each other. Class forces me to shut everything the hell up for 3 hours and just focus on the person or people I am playing on stage with. IT IS AMAZING. I love it. It is a sacred awesome space for me. Thank you class. Thank you Second City. For realsies.

I am sitting part time for some friends kiddos whom, I must confess, I adore. They're the best. I really love them. I love that 3 days a week I get to hang with these two kids. It's awesome. I love kids in general, their inquisitiveness, their perspective, their truths. It makes my whole day. I am also mentoring with an amazing non-profit organization called Young Storytellers here in L.A. We go to schools that don't have a lot of arts program funding and we mentor for an hour a week (for 9 weeks) the kids to write their own screenplay. Their words, characters, stories. These kids and this program is amazing. I'm only a week in and I am already so stoked. At the end of the process professional actors perform their scripts for their school & parents and the kids get the red carpet treatment. It's so encouraging and these 4th & 5th grade kids who started so shy at our last session by the end of the hour some were already starting to come out of their shells. I am so excited to be apart of this.

I feel like class & working with all these kiddos is helping a lot too with the easing of my heavy heart. It gives me something else to focus on for a bit, it makes me feel like I'm creating and helping foster so many great things in the world. It makes me feel a little less "woe is me" and selfish and a little more "what can I do to better the world a bit?" even if it's just making someone laugh for a few minutes. Helping lighten someone else's load with laughs, or encouraging kids to write or find their voice, or helping kiddos to learn through play-that helps me. More than I can say. So I am very thankful for these things in m life right now.

I am also thankful to Joe. He is just my home and safe place. He is so excited about our baby and being a dad, he just loves me and this baby so much, he makes it all feel okay. I just know he'll be there and that's what I need. He's my MoneyPenny and I love him. I could never be the James Bond I need to be without his support (even if he thinks he's the James Bond-silly doodle). I love that nerd, so damn much.

So that's it for now. I'll post the gender reveal pics tomorrow. It was a fun shoot! Hope you're all well dear chickens!