Holy crap being a new mom is frigging HARD. Like really hard. They tell you it's the toughest job you'll ever have but what they don't tell you is that you'll be up all night with a cluster-feeding baby who is super fussy and doesn't get full and you have a cracked nipple from the very first feed where he bit you. That you won't sleep more than 15 minutes at a time and that most nights you get a total of 2-3 hours and that your husband who cannot function without sleep will sleep through most of it driving you crazy with irrational anger towards him. Don't get me wrong Joe is amazing, changing the baby all the time and doing everything around the house because P.S. if you push a 12lb. baby out you cannot walk or move properly even at 2 weeks postpartum. You will have days where you're so tired and you fight with your husband who is also tired and the baby won't stop nursing and you cry a lot. You feel like you hate your baby even though you love your baby. You feel like the worst mom ever. You feel so crappy like you were bubblegum scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. You haven't showered in forever, you smell, your hair is in the frizziest 'fro like state you've ever seen it in, you've been wearing the same pajamas for forever, and you are still not always able to control your bladder leading to the occasional pee your pants episode so you've given in and just started wearing the lady version of depends. Breastfeeding your kiddo leaves you exhausted and sore and drained. It feels like your baby is literally draining you of everything, your energy, your nutrients, your life-force. You'll get light-headed because you've not eaten enough. You drink water like you're traveling the Sahara on foot. You get moments where you need to eat NOW and I mean now or you and someone else will die. You'll get 2 nights where your little one sleeps in 3 hour spans and it is heaven and you feel like you've made it only to then get a night where you a literally awake all but 35 minutes of the night and those 35 minutes were broken up into 3 tiny naps and you feel like you've sunk into the 9th circle of hell.
And then. And then your little nugget falls asleep on your chest after a good feed, cooing, and snuggling you, and you look down at him and cry because he is so damned perfect and precious and you did that and you are feeding him from your own body and you are giving him your everything and it all seems worth it. Your exhaustion, your irrational hate-fire, your crying jags, your feeling like a crazy smelly chewed up wad of gum on the bottom of a shoe is all worth it for this little moment of amazing. Then you think this, this is what being a parent is about. And every parent deserves a goddamn medal and a 3 week spa retreat in fucking Hawaii. This shit is so hard. Seriously, SO HARD. It is also so worth it. All of it. And I know I'm crazy and exhausted and hungry and sore in my hips and boobs and angry and so tired, but, but I am also so full of love and gratitude and peace and grace about this all.
To those who have stopped by to help us out, with a meal, or a visit where you held little Finn so I could go to the bathroom, or sent us some take-out, or given us items from our registry-THANK YOU. You have no idea how much it means to us. For those who had said you would help us out when little man came, please come by. We need your help. We're tired, we're crazy, we're hungry, we're broke and I am not too proud to say it. It takes a village and we need our tribe near us now for our own sanity. Parenting is hard man. Friends make it easier. I honestly cannot wait until my folks get here next week, it will be amazing to see them and to take a nap while grandma and grandpa watch Finny. Oh nap, I cannot wait to be all up in you...
Fellow parents, I have a new found respect and awe for you. Single parents, you are AMAZING to me. Seriously. I am in awe of you parents. Straight up in awe. This is the hardest thing I've done so far, the most worthwhile and the hardest. Now I'm off to feed my little man more boob juice. I got a whole 30 minutes to write this up so I'll call that a win. :)
Update as of 11:20pm on 2/22-I did not sleep all night or day. Finn spent the entire time on my boobs or fussing or screaming in hanger. We went to the pump station to see and LC for help at my most desperate today after crying for an hour. She's not available until Monday. I watched Youtube videos to try to help us, I read website after website, I went on the mommy forums I'm part of on Facebook for more helpful hints. Little man would not be satisfied today. He finally fell asleep for an hour and a half at 5pm. I slept an hour. He's been nursing now and sleeping for about 1-2 hours since thank god. Today was a TOUGH day. Breastfeeding mamas-you are all goddesses. Know that. This shit is HARD.