Monday, June 30, 2014

Rainy With A Chance of Loss

My friend died this weekend. Of what I'm being told was a heroin overdose. My heart hurts. It is very heavy as of late.

I hate heroin. I hate addiction. I hate cancer. I hate renal failure. I hate a lot of decisions from SCOTUS right now. I hate a lot of things. And I'm hurting. Really badly hurting. I'm worried, scared, and sad. That makes me angry. That makes me hateful. I am weary.

I just can't handle all of this crap. When it rains, it Tsunami/Hurricanes in my life, not just pours. I am thankful and grateful for all the good in my life, do not get me wrong. I have such a beautiful family and life. But life is full of so many brutal things too and it hurts. It really, really, really hurts.

I think about my friend. He was 30. He was only 30 years old. He was robbed. Addiction robbed him of his life. Heroin has robbed him of his life. He was my friend from junior high and high school. He was always so sweet, quick with a huge smile, a great giver of hugs, he introduced me to Ani DiFranco and so many other talented musicians, he was a musician and poet in his own right, he was the first boy I kissed that tasted of cigarettes in the back seat of a friend's car, I had quite a crush on him for awhile, he was just damn good people. My heart hurts to think of his light being snuffed out by the dirty cunt-face that is heroin. I just liked a photo of his on Facebook 2 days before he died. I talked to him via FB a few times. I just re-read a message he sent me from 2011 and my heart hurts so damn much.

10/31/11  6:36pm
Hello! Man, it has been a while. I hope everything is going well in your world. I am sending you this message because randomly you were in a dream I had the other night. I am staying with my parents at the moment helping out with my grandfather so I dreamt that you and a crew of your friends showed up at my folks house and started partying and I was running around making sure nobody broke anything or made a mess and you kept telling me to relax. I thought that was pretty random and hilarious so I thought I would share it with you. Weird right? Anyway, I hope all is well!! Drop me a line sometime!

This is hurting so much, I have cried so much. We haven't been close for awhile but we were when we were dumb kids & teens. He was such a sweet and kind and genuine person. This is not fair or okay. This is bullshit and horrible and so saddening. And so many loved him and have so many fond memories of him.

I have cried. I have cried a lot this week. Over  losing my friend. Over possibly losing my grandma. Over someone I love awaiting to hear about ovarian cancer. I am crying a lot. I am hurting a lot. I am grieving a lot. I hate heroin, I hate renal failure, I hate cancer. I hate them, I really fucking hate them.

My heart is weary. So damned weary.

All these songs hurt today. They comfort a little too. I just miss my friend.

There are those that have been pretty callous and blasé about his loss, to them I say this life was precious. It meant something. To me, to his family, to his friends, to everyone who cared for him. How dare you not regard his life as a huge loss. How dare you not regard every life lost as a huge loss. Addiction is horrific. This death is horrific. I want to punch you in the throat if you can't see that.

I hope that whatever happens after a life ends, if there can be beauty and peace I hope he finds it. I hope he knows how loved he was and is. In his memory I have Ani spinning on loop.

Sending love and light to his family & loved ones. Sending love and light to those I care about waiting to hear about major health issues. Most importantly, sending love and light to my friend, wherever he is. So much love & light to him.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Cloudy With A Chance of Misogyny

Here is the deal, I have been holding off on writing anything regarding the #yesallwomen posts but I cannot bite my tongue anymore. Yes All Women is important. It is so important because it really is ALL women who experience misogyny all the time. Don't believe me? Ask. Seriously ask any woman you know and care about. I can GUARANTEE she has been cat-called, harassed, asked for her digits, been told not to walk alone at night, been told not get too drunk at a party, been told to always walk with someone in areas that are not well lit, been taught how to carry her keys as a weapon, been told not to dress to provocatively so as not to be "asking for it", been taught and told how not to get raped or assaulted or mugged or robbed, been told she is pretty first and smart/skilled second, been told that being if she wants to be a mom she shouldn't work, been told her greatest purpose in life is to serve the men in her life, been told she's gotten something "just because she's a woman", been told she doesn't deserve something because she's a woman, been taught to say sorry when she's not, and it goes on and on. Ask her. Ask that woman you care for. I bet you don't even need to because we all know it's true.

In the past month I have read countless articles about this movement, about women getting acid thrown in their face for refusing a marriage proposal or arrangement, about men getting away with raping their collegiate classmates by painting her as drunk and promiscuous, about Matt Lauer asking GM's new CEO if she can handle being a mom and a CEO (something NEVER asked of a man),  about 200+ girls being stolen from their school and the fight to find them being abandoned, about how "strong women" being written into films are written like 1 dimensional characters that have no purpose to the plot other than to support a man's role and that women still cannot be fully developed 3 dimensional characters-they're still the Madonna, Whore, or now Strong with absolutely no substance to  them, about countless girls and women being assaulted. I am so sick of it. If you aren't then I honestly think you're part of the problem. If you aren't disgusted by all this misogyny and lack of treating females as EQUALS, then you, yes YOU, are part of the problem.

We need to do better and be better. We need to teach people not to rape not how to not be raped. We need to teach not to harass or cat-call, it's not okay. We need to teach that assault is not okay. We need to teach that no means NO, no exception to that rule. We need to teach that no answer means NO, no exception to that rule. We need to teach that lack of faculties means NO, no exception to that rule. We need to teach girls that they are smart, skilled, beautiful, and worth just as much as every other person on this planet. Smart AND beautiful. Not one or the other, BOTH. We need to teach everyone that everyone deserves respect. Men AND women. EVERYONE DESERVES RESPECT & HUMAN RIGHTS. I cannot emphasize the EVERYONE part enough.

It's 2014 people. Wake up! This can no longer be acceptable and no longer be allowed to happen. We need to do better for our girls and we need to be better for our women. I absolutely refuse to allow this to happen anymore. I am standing up and fighting. I am so sick of it. I am disgusted. Women are people. We have full ranges of emotions. We are capable of every damn thing a man is. PERIOD. I am a mother. I am strong physically and emotionally. I am funny and silly and stupid. I am intelligent and beautiful. I am not perfect. I am capable of working and raising my child. I am kind and cruel. I am skilled. I am a person. I have it all. No one is allowed to tell me otherwise. And if I have a daughter, watch the fuck out because absolutely no one will tell her otherwise or suffer my wrath.

I want to take a minute to give the definitions of a few words that have been floating around lately.

Misogyny: dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.

Feminism: the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Notice in the definition there is one particular word that people keep forgetting-ingrained. There have been so many to say "misogyny isn't there or doesn't apply to everyone" and I have to say you're wrong. It does and it is. It is so ingrained in our culture and society and history that to say it doesn't apply to you is a lie. Accept that we've all been taught to devalue women, every single one of us (including and especially the women) and fight it. Fight against what has been ingrained in all of us. And to those throwing feminism around like it's a bad or dirty word-bite me. Seriously, bite me. It is an amazing beautiful thing and everyone, every single person on this planet, should be advocating for the rights of women and girls. I know I am. I know that when that word is hurled at me like an insult I pick it up and proudly wear it. I am a feminist. I really don't want to know anyone that isn't. Women's rights are important and are being treated as less than so. I refuse to be told I am less than.

I cannot wait until the day everyone fights for women's rights, where everyone wears the banner of feminism proudly, where we teach not to rape or assault or harass rather than preventing them. I cannot wait for when women are finally paid the same as men, treated like they can be parents and CEOs or workers just like men, that women's educations are just as important as men, where they're not just women but just people. I cannot fucking wait. I will fight everyday until that happens too. So here we go, my dukes are up let's slug it out misogyny. I'm coming for ya. I know so many of you are out there with your fists up too so let's show misogyny who is boss. #YesAllWomen #BringBackOurGirls #Feminism

EDITED: We've now heard the SCOTUS decision on the Hobby Lobby case. I'm disgusted. Corporations are NOT people. Women cannot continue to be discriminated against. If you think that we aren't, you're so wrong. This decision is not about religious freedoms. This is really about keeping women from having control of their own bodies and their reproductive rights. Here's the deal, whether you are for or against birth control, the morning after pill, or even the choice about abortion this issue takes away your individual right to decide what's best for you and tell as Corporation it can make those decisions for you. It puts the power into the hands of Corporations and the wealthy 1% who own them. PERIOD. This is why I believe in Unions. This is why I KNOW Misogyny exists. This is another example in a long fucking line that says women get no say over themselves, their bodies, their lives, their education, their anything. Rich men do. "Religious", conservative, rich, white men do. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BODY. I'm angry. I'm worked the fuck up. You wait and see how many corporations now claim to be "religious" to start denying women's rights, you just wait. This decision sets a horrific precedent for corporations to get away with loads of bullshit under the guise of being religious. SC Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says it right in her dissent:

  • "The exemption sought by Hobby Lobby and Conestoga would…deny legions of women who do not hold their employers' beliefs access to contraceptive coverage"
  • "Religious organizations exist to foster the interests of persons subscribing to the same religious faith. Not so of for-profit corporations. Workers who sustain the operations of those corporations commonly are not drawn from one religious community."
  • "Any decision to use contraceptives made by a woman covered under Hobby Lobby's or Conestoga's plan will not be propelled by the Government, it will be the woman's autonomous choice, informed by the physician she consults."
  • "It bears note in this regard that the cost of an IUD is nearly equivalent to a month's full-time pay for workers earning the minimum wage."
  • "Would the exemption…extend to employers with religiously grounded objections to blood transfusions (Jehovah's Witnesses); antidepressants (Scientologists); medications derived from pigs, including anesthesia, intravenous fluids, and pills coated with gelatin (certain Muslims, Jews, and Hindus); and vaccinations[?]…Not much help there for the lower courts bound by today's decision."
  • "Approving some religious claims while deeming others unworthy of accommodation could be 'perceived as favoring one religion over another,' the very 'risk the [Constitution's] Establishment Clause was designed to preclude."
  • "The court, I fear, has ventured into a minefield."

A minefield that is going to explode soon, you just wait and see. As Professor Farnsworth on Futurama states: "I don't want to live on this planet anymore." I really don't. WOMEN ARE PEOPLE. WOMEN DESERVE RIGHTS. STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST WOMEN. I urge everyone to stop electing the idiots who help put more idiots into power. Religion has no business in government. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. You have every right to believe anything that fulfills your heart &/or brain &/or soul, DO NOT PUT IT INTO GOVERNMENT THOUGH. How can our Founding Fathers have understood this so well and in 2014 people have their heads so far up their asses they cannot understand this. Again, it isn't even really about religious freedom, it is an excuse, a big huge fucking giant excuse, to keep women down and in the home and out of the workforce. Think about it. If a woman can't control her reproduction, she will more than likely get pregnant, she will have to take leave (trust me you will even in the best pregnancy, labor, birth experiences), she is then out of work. Then it can and likely will happen again because remember she can't control it anymore, it's not her decision it's her corporation's, so there is more time out of work. What if she gets pregnant 3, 4, 6, 8, 13 times? Even if every single time she eventually goes back to work, think about how much time she out of work. Think she'll keep her job, honestly do you? Even with anti-discrimination laws she will lose her job, I can almost guarantee it. This is a huge step back for women's rights. It is. I'm sick of it. I am angry. I will speak with my vote. I urge you to as well. This is ridiculous. I know I am very liberal. I am pro-women's rights, I am anti-death penalty, I am pro-union, I am pro-equal rights for all genders and sexes and sexual preferences and races and ages and everyone, I am very very liberal. I get that. I am pro rights though. I pro the rights of everyone. I am pro the rights for WOMEN. This is ridiculous. I just can't with people anymore. Ugh.


Sunny With a Chance of Everything

I have been absent for a bit. So let's play catch up shall we? In no particular order here is life as of late:

-Joe was hooded for his PhD. It was awesome and also way too hot outside and I had to nurse Finn and we both were sweating and got a bit crabby. But it was great.

-Finn & I went to Michigan and my brothers (minus one) and sisters and my aunt and my cousin and my grandparents and some friends got to meet Finny. I got to meet my older brother's new girlfriend and he seems so happy so I am SO happy. My grandma was in the hospital and it was sad but I am so glad she and my grandpa got to meet Finn. They both loved him so much and it meant a lot to me. And my aunt & cousin loved him too and that meant a lot to me. I got to see my nephew and the poor sweetie broke his leg and it broke my heart. I spent some amazing time with my siblings and my parents and I am SO, SO, SO glad we went back for the week with them. I got to see so many good friends and introduce Finn to them and it was amazing. Such an amazing trip and I realized how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life who love me and now my son.

-I have been working as much as I can and Joe has too and we're still broke. Frustrating but we will make it through.

-Joe keeps job searching like mad and we are waiting to hear back and hopefully get some good news.

-I chopped 14" off of my hair and donated it. It felt really good to finally be able to donate my hair and it felt really good to lose all of that extra hair weight! My hair is so thick and it was so long it was giving me migraines so this helped me out a lot and I get to gift my hair to someone who wants and needs it. Plus my sister cut it into such a cute faux-bob and I love it.

-Joe completed his defense of his thesis and was officially given his PhD with his expertise being on Hopf Algebra. I am so proud of him. He is amazing and I am so glad we made it through this journey to doctorhood together. He is now officially Dr. Joe!

-The little gal I help babysit had her 4th birthday party yesterday and it was adorable! It was Pixar themed and there was a cute Mike Wazowski piñata and a little show with music from Cars, Nemo, Brave, Toy Story, etc. It was adorable. We also had a birthday dinner with her on her birthday last week where she requested that Joe make "Tiana's Gumbo" which was really vegan jambalaya and then she hated it. It was kind of hilarious. All of the adults and her 2 year old brother loved it but she ate turkey and cupcakes for dinner instead. Haha!

-I finally signed up for more classes at Second City Hollywood. Starting next week I take Long Form Improv 1 and Writing a Pilot. I'm super excited to get back into imrpov and I'm excited to start a writing class so I can get better with that and maybe (FINALLY) write the movie & tv show ideas out that have been swimming in my head for years and years. Hooray for classes!

-My grandma is not doing well. She was in the hospital for a week when I was in Michigan, she came home and was falling a lot due to her blood pressure bottoming out, she went back to the hospital for 2 days this past week, now they are saying it may be renal failure which means she doesn't have much time. I am honestly so sad. We reconnected about 5 years ago and I'm so glad we did and I am just so sad. I feel like it hasn't been enough time to this new-found relationship with her and my grandpa. I just want her to be well. I want Finn to know them. My heart is honestly so sad. I just really hope she feels better. She sounds so exhausted now talking to her and my heart just breaks. I'm just honestly really, really sad about it.

-Another loved one of mine is waiting for testing to find out if she has ovarian cancer. This is so frightening and worrisome. My heart is breaking for her. I have no idea what to do or say but I just want to envelope her in a huge hug until all the testing is done. My heart hurts for her. A lot.

-Someone I helped get a reservation on my restaurant sent me a 50 minute massage as a thank you, it was such a lovely surprise! I am so grateful to get a little relaxation sent my way after this very hard past 2 weeks. I need it!

-Joe submitted his thesis this morning so there is officially nothing left that he has to do for his PhD. WOOT.

So that is about it. I'm just really sad lately thinking about those I care about hurting and suffering in medical doubt. I have lived that too long myself and it hurts me knowing they're hurting and scared. I just wish I could make it all better. I'm really looking forward to the massage tomorrow, I am just sad and stressed and worried for those I love and I know it is affecting my back, shoulders, and jaw. It'll be good to get that release. Hope you are all well dear chickens! Enjoy some pics of my little nugget.