Right, where to begin? There's no way to really start other than to start. This will be all over the place and for this I am sorry, but not really.
My little sister got married & is pregnant with a boy. She was beautiful and perfect. We didn't fight once. My brother's got into a fist fight. Feelings got hurt. Things at that wedding were wonderful, beautiful, crazy, brutal. As Glennon from Momastery puts it, it was brutiful. There was never a more perfect bride. Even when she was a cranky running late mess, she was lovely. And I love her & I am so glad I was there. My little sister is married and pregnant with a boy. That is crazy to say. I am going to be an Aunt. Aunt Alex. Or more likely he will call me Ollie like all little kiddos do & I am a-okay with that. I already love little "Moustache"!
Let's see what else...
Things have been a bit of a struggle as of late. My back is out. O-U-T. For about 2 months plus now. So bad so we are doing epidural injections. And pain meds. And planning a surgery. A big ol' scary replace 2 discs and fuse another surgery. My insurance sucks & won't cover ANYTHING. The insurance I pay for to help me in times like this WILL NOT COVER ME FOR ANY TYPE OF SURGERY--THAT is RIDICULOUS. So here is the thing. My fiance, who is perfect in his imperfection, whom I love more than anything ever forever, has amazing insurance. That will cover EVERYTHING. We are moving the wedding up. I am calling it my "Surgery-Not-Pregnancy-Shotgun-Wedding". My silly silly life.
Let me try to explain this from the inside. It's hard to describe. I am going to try though. Please bear and bare with me.
How do I say this?
I hate my body. Not in a self conscious way. Believe me I have issues like every other woman, but right now I am in an epic battle, thus the hatred. Please excuse the dramatics but to me this is epic. The best way I know how to describe it is my brain is Batman, fighting the "good fight", struggling to be strong, to keep positive, to be practical and plan ahead, to think 10 steps in front of its nemesis. And that nemesis, the Joker if you will, is my body, well to be specific my discs in my spinal cord. The evil that stops the function of my body, that's the evil plan-to immobilize me and keep me in constant pain. Oh my Batman brain has fought back, believe me when I say my pain tolerance is ridiculous. My normal every day pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 6-7, my 10=a normal person's 40; now you do the math.
I'm frustrated! I am tired of the fight! I am tired of the pain! And I am pissed! Hell hath no fury like a Red-headed woman scorned by her own body. Again, you cry dramatics I'm sure. But I do beseech you to understand my purposes aright, now that's dramatics people-Shakespeare. Constant pain is, well, constantly wearing away at me. I am physically exhausted from it. I am mentally exhausted from trying to fight it. I am emotionally exhausted of the fear it drives into me, the anger it induces, the depression it allows to creep in at the seams, the self-pity that leads to the loathing that leads to the bitterness that leads to the anger all over again. Do you see why it is dramatic for me?
I want to be honest and say that right now I am a huge jerkwad to people who don't deserve it. People who are supporting me through the goodness of their hearts and (I think) because they love or at least care about me. But when someone is super peppy "it'll all be okay or I'll pray/hope/wish for you to better", I want to scream "take that and shove it". It's horrible, I know it is. And on one side I feel horrible for feeling that and on the other I'm not sorry because those words don't help me. They don't make me physically better. They don't make it hurt less. They don't do anything but hang in the air above my head and twist into "I pity you because you're in pain but thank god it's not me". Then I'm angry at myself because that's all in my head being projected onto that poor person. And everyone who has "tweaked their back" or "hurt it once" or even strained a muscle thinks they understand what I am talking about. And they don't.
Let me try to explain.
This is not muscle thing. This isn't even a pinched nerve. This is a degenerative disease, degenerative disc disease to be specific. Think of it like MS, there is nothing that can be done to stop this. Nothing. Sit with that for minute... This is where my brain lives all the time. I cannot do anything to stop this, I can only treat the symptoms and the destruction it is doing one problem at a time.
My story of this shit started 7 years ago when I was 20, 20 flipping years old. 20! That pisses me off alone. I did physical therapy off a misdiagnosis. I thought I was better. It kept hurting on and off. 4 years ago, it goes out in a big way. Right diagnosis, treatments, been in Physical Therapy/Pilates 2-4 times a week since then. Saw a personal trainer to lose weight. Saw chiropractors (no adjustments though-that is BAD for me). See an amazing Acupuncturist. Now doing epidurals. Nothing stops the pain. And so now we HAVE to, as in MUST, do surgery. Surgery that goes through the front of my body, through my intestines, surgery that requires 2 surgeons to complete it. A neurosurgeon and a vascular surgeon. I have seen the 2 best neurosurgeons in LA. They say they can help me & we should get moving. Then the bomb-no your insurance WILL NOT COVER ANYTHING. NOTHING. Oh and the 2 replacement discs alone cost $9-10,000 EACH. Not including anything else. Just the discs. Imagine where my brain is now.
Drowning in thoughts. So many thoughts. And drowning in pain receptors. So many painful nerve blasts to this ol' Batman brain of mine.
And then-that fantastic ol' fiance of mine, my MoneyPenny, says "well screw it, my insurance covers it, let's get hitched right now". Don't you just love this guy? Me too. Now we are bummed we won't get to do it the way we wanted but he has helped me decide to put me first and take care of me. Despite the fact that I want my Pops to walk me down a beautiful outdoor aisle on our anniversary date of February 12. Despite the fact that I want a pretty dress and hair do. Despite the fact that I wanted my whole family and my super supportive friends to be there. We are putting my physical health before our dreams of "our wedding". We are taking care of me. And I want to kiss this man forever for it. And I'm also a little sad about it. And now we're getting a marriage license application, and calling our family to see if they can be here, and friends on Facebook are offering to help us at least have a lovely little courthouse wedding shindig.
I cry all the time now. From pain, from brutal horrible pain. And because I am so fucking lucky. So lucky to have found people along the way who love me so damn much. I am so not worthy of all their love and also I am. And I love everyone so much it hurts. They are so beautiful to me. And Joe is their leader of amazingness.
And this is where my head and heart live. And everything is so hard and scary and silly and trivial and so big it feels like it's swallowing me up. I really cannot describe it all, just know that I am a mess. Constantly. Totally. Undeniably. And I am grateful for the space people are giving me to be this walking mess of a human being. And I am angry and in fight with my body, the dick. And I just love everyone and am planning the rest of this year like crazy. And really planning these next few weeks where I am getting married! WHAT?! Oh lord.
I am getting married, getting new insurance, becoming an Aunt, getting my spinal chord ripped up and fixed up, and I am emotionally falling apart and putting it together all in the next 4 months whilst trying to physically recover from a major crazy expensive surgery on the part of my body that makes all other parts of my body work.
Oh and I bought a laptop. What is wrong with me? I am ridiculous. And a mess.
And that's where I am at right now. So flipping scared, stressed, angry, in pain, loved, and supported, and truly lucky. Welcome back to my head y'all. I missed you little blog & friends. I am sure we will get all snuggly with each other once again since I will have more time than ever in bed with my new Macbook. So get comfy. It's about to get all sorts of messy and honest up in here. We're broke, we're getting hitched in all the wrong and right ways, I'm getting surgery, it's gonna be wild.
I'm not prepared. Please help. And I'll continue to marvel at this. And continue to be scared and messy. And ever so grateful for all the love I have in my life.
Thank you chickens, my dear chickens.