I am doing better emotionally with all this. I am starting to feel a little less anxious & worried about the baby and trying to give myself the space I need to just feel this and analyze later. Therapy is helping loads, yes I'm in therapy and it's amazing. It's a safe space to say anything and feel anything and talk through it. I am so thankful for that outlet. I am still sorting through all the anger and sadness and feelings of loss, they're all still there and sometimes they hit hard. Mostly though I am starting to get excited about meeting our nugget in January. I am trying to sort through my feeling on more natural born kiddos in the future. I still don't know and that is okay. I am letting myself feel okay about not knowing because I really don't have a clue what I want to do. I am just trying to do the next right thing. I am using up all my improv skills in real life by just being in the moment, by listening (to others & myself), to saying yes when I can and running with it, and to not predetermine or pre-plan anything. I am just going with it. We shall see.
I also just want to thank those folks out there who have supported me & chatted with me about this a million times and still talk to me about it. I still am processing. I still need to discuss. I still need support and love and non-judgement and it feels good to talk to people. Those who are there in this Fragile X struggle as well, those who are important people in my life, and those who will listen without judgement no matter how well they know me or not. Thank you to all of you.
Thank you to the pals & relations who have already started our little collection of baby clothes/items too. Anna, Rebecca, Hep-you gals are awesome. Thank you! Cloth diapers, baby clothes, re-usable wipes, a baby bath-y'all are freaking amazing. Thank you. For serious.
On to the not-so-heavy stuff: I am back in improv class in my last level of the conservatory program at the prestigious Second City and I frigging love it. It is 3 hours every week where I get to play and be silly and am encouraged to explore a million characters and emotions and I LOVE IT. I needed it I think. It just feels safe and fun and silly and amazing. Plus my damn brain gets to shut down it's overdrive and just be present in the damn moment. That is so hard for me to do in life. Honestly my brain is like a computer with a buhjillion tabs all open and running at the same time or if you took every road in the United States and every car was a thought going all at the same time piled on top of each other. Class forces me to shut everything the hell up for 3 hours and just focus on the person or people I am playing on stage with. IT IS AMAZING. I love it. It is a sacred awesome space for me. Thank you class. Thank you Second City. For realsies.
I am sitting part time for some friends kiddos whom, I must confess, I adore. They're the best. I really love them. I love that 3 days a week I get to hang with these two kids. It's awesome. I love kids in general, their inquisitiveness, their perspective, their truths. It makes my whole day. I am also mentoring with an amazing non-profit organization called Young Storytellers here in L.A. We go to schools that don't have a lot of arts program funding and we mentor for an hour a week (for 9 weeks) the kids to write their own screenplay. Their words, characters, stories. These kids and this program is amazing. I'm only a week in and I am already so stoked. At the end of the process professional actors perform their scripts for their school & parents and the kids get the red carpet treatment. It's so encouraging and these 4th & 5th grade kids who started so shy at our last session by the end of the hour some were already starting to come out of their shells. I am so excited to be apart of this.
I feel like class & working with all these kiddos is helping a lot too with the easing of my heavy heart. It gives me something else to focus on for a bit, it makes me feel like I'm creating and helping foster so many great things in the world. It makes me feel a little less "woe is me" and selfish and a little more "what can I do to better the world a bit?" even if it's just making someone laugh for a few minutes. Helping lighten someone else's load with laughs, or encouraging kids to write or find their voice, or helping kiddos to learn through play-that helps me. More than I can say. So I am very thankful for these things in m life right now.
I am also thankful to Joe. He is just my home and safe place. He is so excited about our baby and being a dad, he just loves me and this baby so much, he makes it all feel okay. I just know he'll be there and that's what I need. He's my MoneyPenny and I love him. I could never be the James Bond I need to be without his support (even if he thinks he's the James Bond-silly doodle). I love that nerd, so damn much.
So that's it for now. I'll post the gender reveal pics tomorrow. It was a fun shoot! Hope you're all well dear chickens!
