Rainy With A Chance of Loss

My friend died this weekend. Of what I'm being told was a heroin overdose. My heart hurts. It is very heavy as of late.

I hate heroin. I hate addiction. I hate cancer. I hate renal failure. I hate a lot of decisions from SCOTUS right now. I hate a lot of things. And I'm hurting. Really badly hurting. I'm worried, scared, and sad. That makes me angry. That makes me hateful. I am weary.

I just can't handle all of this crap. When it rains, it Tsunami/Hurricanes in my life, not just pours. I am thankful and grateful for all the good in my life, do not get me wrong. I have such a beautiful family and life. But life is full of so many brutal things too and it hurts. It really, really, really hurts.

I think about my friend. He was 30. He was only 30 years old. He was robbed. Addiction robbed him of his life. Heroin has robbed him of his life. He was my friend from junior high and high school. He was always so sweet, quick with a huge smile, a great giver of hugs, he introduced me to Ani DiFranco and so many other talented musicians, he was a musician and poet in his own right, he was the first boy I kissed that tasted of cigarettes in the back seat of a friend's car, I had quite a crush on him for awhile, he was just damn good people. My heart hurts to think of his light being snuffed out by the dirty cunt-face that is heroin. I just liked a photo of his on Facebook 2 days before he died. I talked to him via FB a few times. I just re-read a message he sent me from 2011 and my heart hurts so damn much.

10/31/11  6:36pm

Hello! Man, it has been a while. I hope everything is going well in your world. I am sending you this message because randomly you were in a dream I had the other night. I am staying with my parents at the moment helping out with my grandfather so I dreamt that you and a crew of your friends showed up at my folks house and started partying and I was running around making sure nobody broke anything or made a mess and you kept telling me to relax. I thought that was pretty random and hilarious so I thought I would share it with you. Weird right? Anyway, I hope all is well!! Drop me a line sometime!
-a

This is hurting so much, I have cried so much. We haven't been close for awhile but we were when we were dumb kids & teens. He was such a sweet and kind and genuine person. This is not fair or okay. This is bullshit and horrible and so saddening. And so many loved him and have so many fond memories of him.

I have cried. I have cried a lot this week. Over  losing my friend. Over possibly losing my grandma. Over someone I love awaiting to hear about ovarian cancer. I am crying a lot. I am hurting a lot. I am grieving a lot. I hate heroin, I hate renal failure, I hate cancer. I hate them, I really fucking hate them.

My heart is weary. So damned weary.

All these songs hurt today. They comfort a little too. I just miss my friend.

There are those that have been pretty callous and blasé about his loss, to them I say this life was precious. It meant something. To me, to his family, to his friends, to everyone who cared for him. How dare you not regard his life as a huge loss. How dare you not regard every life lost as a huge loss. Addiction is horrific. This death is horrific. I want to punch you in the throat if you can't see that.

I hope that whatever happens after a life ends, if there can be beauty and peace I hope he finds it. I hope he knows how loved he was and is. In his memory I have Ani spinning on loop.

Sending love and light to his family & loved ones. Sending love and light to those I care about waiting to hear about major health issues. Most importantly, sending love and light to my friend, wherever he is. So much love & light to him.