Saturday, March 16, 2013

Sunny With a Chance of Still Reading Me!

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Monday, March 4, 2013

Partly Sunny With a Chance of Goodbye/Hello

So here it is. The day before the surgery. I'm feeling loads of things right now: scared, excited, nervous, relieved, hungry... damn fasting prep. I want a strawberry flavored almond milk yogurt! It is calling to me from my fridge. Mmm, vegan yogurt, drool...

Okay. Focusing. I am really scared. My therapist said to use this time to figure out what I know about myself. Here is what I know.

-I am strong
-I am a fighter
-I love myself (even the parts I used to hate-thanks therapy)
-I like scars so this one should rock
-I am sad my tummy will never look the same
-I love my snuggly pups so much and will miss them these next few days
-I love that our apartment is SO clean right now, I never want it to be not this clean, it feels so good
-I need Joe more than anything
-I am scared about this surgery
-I am excited to feel well
-I am dreading these first few weeks/months of constant pain-I want instant wellness
-I really wish I was becoming bionic or part robot, it would be SO cool
-I am lucky

 I also want to acknowledge some goodbyes and hellos in this.

-Goodbye shitty L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1 discs. I will not miss you.
-Hello new shiny metal replacement discs-don't fuck it up.
-Goodbye numbness and pain and pins in needles down my leg.
-Hello pain free movements and mobility.
-Goodbye comfy tempurpedic bed-I WILL MISS YOU!
-Hello crappy hospital bed, blerg.
-Goodbye being able to walk on my own for awhile, I'll try really hard to see you again soon.
-Hello drive me crazy toddler mobility. Get ready to see me pissed off at my limitations.
-Goodbye my life for awhile. It is strange not working, interning, performing, play improvising, hanging out with people, etc. I will miss almost all of these things.
-Hello focusing on me, getting me well, healing. Time to rediscover myself as a healthy functioning person. It's been almost a decade, I'm excited to meet you again.
-In case of emergency: goodbye to all those I love. Your love and friendships have meant more than you know. Your support, your strength. I am so grateful to have known you and to have loved you. I am sorry for any bad times, moments of anger, or hurtful words/deeds. I want you to know that you have helped me lead such a full life. Goodbye to those who have hurt me. Most of you I loved so fully that this is the reason for the hurt. But I thank you. Even if we parted poorly. I want to say I forgive you if we parted due to your actions. Even those of you who were truly hurtful. I wish to ask forgiveness if we parted due to my actions. Even if I was truly hurtful. I think I am who I am and am as strong as I am because of what our partings have taught me. If it is time I want to go out with a bang so everyone make sure you show up to my wake and party hard for me and laugh about all the stupid shit I did or said and please remember me fondly and always with a laugh. I love all of you! And I hope I am eternally your favorite Ginger Giant.
-In case of normalcy: Hello Friends! I am BIONIC! FUCK YES! Please be gentle with me these next few months as I heal. Please do not stop visiting, calling, texting, emailing. I NEED YOU. I need your friendship and support. Please be there even if I can't physically be there for you. I need it and I am asking. Please understand if I am in a terribly cranky mood from hurting. Please excuse that bad behavior. Please treat me with kindness even if I am being a jerk but also please tell me gently I was being a jerk. Sometimes it is hard to be nice when you're hurting but I never want to hurt any of you. Please don't stop loving me. Also when I am well please know that I want to go out and be active and see all of you. So please invite me and if I can be there I will, if I can't please understand. When I am 100% we will all go out dancing and be crazy and silly and it will be magnificent. And I will do cartwheels in celebration! Help me say hello to a new life without lower back pain!
-Goodbye to old me and hello to new me.

I am ready. I feel a little weird. My heart feels like it is beating a mile a minute. My head is relaxed though. I am loving up on the pups of mine as much as I can. I will miss holding them and snuggling them for quite sometime. I am trying to relax as much as I can but I do feel jittery. I also feel ready. I am scared about finances. I know we'll figure it out though. So much unknown. I think that is the thing that really scares me. The unknown. I'm not scared of surgery, I'm not scared of bad results, I'm not scared to die. I Am Scared by that which is unknown. I don't know how surgery will turn out, if it will be good or bad, if I will live today or die today, if I will have money or not have money, the unknown scares me. But I also have found that it is the most exciting. To not know. To have ENDLESS possibilities. To be unsure and to say "fuck it, here I go!" and run full steam ahead at that unknown. That is to really live. I'm a thrill seeker that way. So here I go, running full steam ahead at this surgery with all its possibilities of success and failure of bankruptcy of being fine of no pain of paralysis of death of life of all of the UNKNOWN! Here I come sucker. See numbers 1 & 2 on my list of what I know about myself above to know how this will go for me. I am ready.

 Catch you on the flip side dear chickens! I think I'll deserve a nice vegan pizza to celebrate after this, call up Cruzers for me will ya?


Friday, March 1, 2013

Cloudy With a Chance of Tears

I feel like a crazy woman lately. I am a tornado of emotions. I am up, down, over here, over there, I feel overwhelmed. I have been on the brink of tears all week. Anything sets me off. I have been on the brink of a full blown rage fest. Anything sets me off. I have been on the verge of laughing like a crazy person. Anything sets me off.

I am so angry at my insurance company. The one that sucks. The one that I have had since I was on my own as an adult out of college. 2006-present. I had to cancel you today. So that Joe's insurance would pay for my surgery. I no longer have 2 insurances to "help". By the way, I believed all that crap you're told about insurance being there to help you. I was told you grow up, go to school, get a good job, have insurance for when you're hurt or sick, and insurance take care of you & that what you pay them for. It's not. It's not there to take care of you. In fact most days I am on the phone with them (from both companies) fighting to get the the things I need done covered. MRIs, X-rays, epidurals, anesthesiologists, a surgery, etc. etc. etc. It is a fight. And I have learned most people don't care.

I read this yesterday from a gal I went to junior high & high school with over at Chronic Mom. It really speaks to me because no one does care if you are chronically ill (or in my case in pain). People don't see it. They don't see the struggle so it is easy to disregard, overlook, or forget about. I am not downplaying anyone who is suffering from anything that is life-threatening or diminishing that in any way. Please don't think that dear chickens. What I am saying is that I am hurting too. Constantly. And it doesn't feel like that time you had a pinched nerve or strained a muscle. It is debilitating. It is I am stuck on the floor howling in pain bad. It is no pain med has yet made this disappear for me. It is numbness in my finger tips, toes, and down my leg (a.k.a. nerve damage). And because people don't "see" it unless I am limping or stuck on the floor or crying or swearing my face off most people don't give a crap. And they really don't give a crap about the struggles of talking to insurance providers, talking to doctors all day, talking to nurses, P.A.s, billing departments, surgical coordinators, anesthesiologists, etc. etc. etc. until I want to scream. And you just get to the point where you feel alone in that struggle.

And then I read that blog entry. And I cried. And I read this blog entry and I really cried. And then I read this and this. And then I sobbed. There are other people, women going through very similar struggles right now. And each of us struggling (some of those ladies have WAY more grace than I do about it) and fighting. And some have faith to cling to, others family or friends, and I know I am also clinging to them. And their stories. And their fight. And knowing that they are out there, being honest about how fucking hard this can get, it helps me. It eases the burden and the fight a little. It makes me feel a little bit less alone in this. This does get to feeling very lonely. With friends caught up in their own lives it can feel like they don't get it, want to get it, or even don't care. So for me knowing there are indeed other people who are feeling this way, it makes it not so big, not so lonely, not so scary, no so enraging, not so overwhelming.

I am still a mess. I am still upset at people for being dumb/lazy/complacent. I am still overwhelmed with emotion. It just feels a little less today. An iota less. And if that is all I can get, I will take it.

Oh, I'm approved for surgery by my internist as of today as well. So as it stands today dear chickens I should be bionic by next week. As of this moment, surgery is a go. Let's see what happens next.