Friday, March 1, 2013

Cloudy With a Chance of Tears

I feel like a crazy woman lately. I am a tornado of emotions. I am up, down, over here, over there, I feel overwhelmed. I have been on the brink of tears all week. Anything sets me off. I have been on the brink of a full blown rage fest. Anything sets me off. I have been on the verge of laughing like a crazy person. Anything sets me off.

I am so angry at my insurance company. The one that sucks. The one that I have had since I was on my own as an adult out of college. 2006-present. I had to cancel you today. So that Joe's insurance would pay for my surgery. I no longer have 2 insurances to "help". By the way, I believed all that crap you're told about insurance being there to help you. I was told you grow up, go to school, get a good job, have insurance for when you're hurt or sick, and insurance take care of you & that what you pay them for. It's not. It's not there to take care of you. In fact most days I am on the phone with them (from both companies) fighting to get the the things I need done covered. MRIs, X-rays, epidurals, anesthesiologists, a surgery, etc. etc. etc. It is a fight. And I have learned most people don't care.

I read this yesterday from a gal I went to junior high & high school with over at Chronic Mom. It really speaks to me because no one does care if you are chronically ill (or in my case in pain). People don't see it. They don't see the struggle so it is easy to disregard, overlook, or forget about. I am not downplaying anyone who is suffering from anything that is life-threatening or diminishing that in any way. Please don't think that dear chickens. What I am saying is that I am hurting too. Constantly. And it doesn't feel like that time you had a pinched nerve or strained a muscle. It is debilitating. It is I am stuck on the floor howling in pain bad. It is no pain med has yet made this disappear for me. It is numbness in my finger tips, toes, and down my leg (a.k.a. nerve damage). And because people don't "see" it unless I am limping or stuck on the floor or crying or swearing my face off most people don't give a crap. And they really don't give a crap about the struggles of talking to insurance providers, talking to doctors all day, talking to nurses, P.A.s, billing departments, surgical coordinators, anesthesiologists, etc. etc. etc. until I want to scream. And you just get to the point where you feel alone in that struggle.

And then I read that blog entry. And I cried. And I read this blog entry and I really cried. And then I read this and this. And then I sobbed. There are other people, women going through very similar struggles right now. And each of us struggling (some of those ladies have WAY more grace than I do about it) and fighting. And some have faith to cling to, others family or friends, and I know I am also clinging to them. And their stories. And their fight. And knowing that they are out there, being honest about how fucking hard this can get, it helps me. It eases the burden and the fight a little. It makes me feel a little bit less alone in this. This does get to feeling very lonely. With friends caught up in their own lives it can feel like they don't get it, want to get it, or even don't care. So for me knowing there are indeed other people who are feeling this way, it makes it not so big, not so lonely, not so scary, no so enraging, not so overwhelming.

I am still a mess. I am still upset at people for being dumb/lazy/complacent. I am still overwhelmed with emotion. It just feels a little less today. An iota less. And if that is all I can get, I will take it.

Oh, I'm approved for surgery by my internist as of today as well. So as it stands today dear chickens I should be bionic by next week. As of this moment, surgery is a go. Let's see what happens next.


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