Friday, September 13, 2013

Sunny With A Chance of 100 Degree Melting

I'm melting. September in Los Angeles is hell. One hundred degree weather hell. I am melting. My pregnant body is already so damn hot and this heat is making me want to die. So in the spirit of whining but in a funny way here is my List of My Pregnant Body Hates Me. It is all the stuff no one told me about and the silly dumb complaints I have that mean nothing in the scheme of things. I hope you laugh.

1) My boobs. They're huge y'all. Size 36G huge. They shot up from a 36DD to a 36G. There isn't even milk in there yet! I will poke someone's eye out soon and probably suffocate my son with my boobs. RIDICULOUS. And finding bras, HA! Specialty orders and they are not cheap. Damn too huge boobs.

2) My son is karate kicking my insides or doing backflips or flips turns off my uterus. I think he thinks he's a ninja or a merman but that shit hurts. I have yelled at him for being a dick. I started with the "ow!" and "please don't kick mama" and am now onto "knock it the fuck off, you're being a dick". He's not even that big yet, only pomegranate sized and he likes to hit the same damn spot every time. He's a ginger jerk, I can already tell we're going to have issues with this little dude.

3) The backne that I have is disgusting. My back looks like 16 teenagers sought revenge curses on it. Cool it hormones! And it's not my face, it's my back and shoulders. I even found a pimple on my arm and my leg. What the what?! Get it together body!

4) There is WAY too much discharge happening. Sorry dudes (& those ladies who don't know about this grossness). I feel disgusting all the time. There is no control. Just gross. Body-WHY?! Stop that nonsense immediately, please!

5) I no longer have control over my bladder or bowels. I sneeze and sometimes pee comes out, no control. I wake up in the middle of the night with an urgency to pee, I have no control. I fart and there is no option of holding it in, I have no control. I have had control over these areas of my body since I was 2 or 3, now at 28 I am having issues. UGH.

6) I am super dried out and yet secreting weird moisture. My nose, throat, and eyes are dry like the desert. I cannot wear my contacts for more than 4 hours without them feeling like sandpaper. My nose gets bleeds from how dry it is sometimes. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then realize I can't swallow because my throat is so dry so I am choking and peeing at the same time until I finish peeing and can get a drink of water that will inevitably make me have to pee again in 20 minutes. My skin is dry, my hair is dry, my nails are dry yet I am sweating bullets and again see number four. Get it together body!

7) I am not a weepy pregnant lady but a ragey pregnant lady. I have pals and relatives who told me they would cry at the drop of a hat. For me and my body it is rage, 0 to 100 mph rage. I am full blown ready to choke a bitch in 2 seconds when people are rude or stupid or asshats. It's bad. I may say things I shouldn't. I drop a million curse words in a second. The filter is off people and look out is all I'm saying.

8) I haven't craved food but I crave booze. This may be because I am Polish-Irish-Cherokee and have had some alcohol issues in the past. In college I drank a fifth chased by a bottle of Boone's Farm wine for a year and would be just a little drunk whilst most people would have had alcohol poisoning. I'm not bragging but I can count on one hand the number of times I've puked from drinking and on the other the number of times I've had a hang over (counting both it's less than 10). So my pregnant body isn't craving any foods it is craving Bloody Marys, bourbons on the rocks, whiskey sours, Polish Potato vodkas, vodka crans made like a gimlet first then add your dash of cran, etc. My go-to joke is that it's hard to be an ex-drunk on forced sobriety. It really is though. Honestly, I do not drink a lot anymore. Joe and I may have a beer or cocktail once a month/month & a half. But now, now that I can't have a drink it's all my preggo body wants. Seriously body, why do you hate me?! I'm not drinking anything, not even a sip of anything because as Admiral Ackbar said "it's a trap!"

9) I am either super exhausted or super energized, there is no in between. I am running around with loads of energy and am super woman or I am crashing and napping and super tired/cranky. No idea which it will be. Lately it's been mostly energy but then middle of last week it was mid-day nap session time. C'mon body, get it together.

10) I am too big for normal pants but too small for maternity pants to stay up on my body. At 21 weeks I really thought that the maternity pants would be fine but they keep slipping off my butt. I spend the day pulling my damn pants up. But no way can I wear the regular ones with the belly band anymore because I feel like I am being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste. Body, get bigger or smaller so I can wear some damn pants already! Jeez.

11) I am too damn hot. Not as in sexy hot but as in my temperature is at boiling. I will be in 66 degree air conditioning and sweating bullets. I sweat when I swim in the outdoor pool. The pool is set in the 60s, I am not swimming fast (I have no oxygen as this child steals it all so I breathe every other stroke which means NOT fast), why am I sweating so hard? I want L.A. weather to die. September why do you have to be the hottest month of the year?! WHY?! Please fall get here because my body temp hates me and is trying to boil me and my unborn child alive! I am not built for this weather, I am a pasty-ass ginger why is it so sunny and hot? For the love of all things stop the heat! AHHH!

So that's it (for now). My body (& son) hate me and are trying to kill me. Seriously. Not really though. But yes. Don't get me wrong, I am really loving being pregnant and all the cool/weird/amazing things that are happening as I expand and I love my son. Please don't think I don't. Just also know that the above eleven items are annoying as crap or painful or annoying as crap. Also please know that these are slightly exaggerated to make you laugh. Mostly facts, just told in a funny way or with over exaggerated emotion for comic effect. If you didn't get it well, I guess you're lame (another joke guys). Have great weekends chickens!