Monday, January 27, 2014

Partly Sunny With A Chance of Punching People in the Throat

I would have to say my two biggest pregnancy pet peeves are the following:

1.) When you touch and/or grope my stomach without permission. I really don't care how well we know each other, ASK. Ask EVERY time. I cannot emphasize this enough. ASK EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU WANT TO TOUCH OR RUB OR MOLEST MY STOMACH. I am not big on being touched normally, especially on my stomach. Just because it's bigger and contains a person definitely does not allow you to invade my personal space without permission. It is NOT okay. Seriously NOT okay. In fact it bugs me even more because that is my child, I am vulnerable right now and so is he. NO TOUCHING. Make eye contact with me, ask, usually I will say yes unless I am REALLY not in the mood for it. I understand it's cool and interesting and you want to know, so I seriously almost always say yes. BUT FUCKING ASK ME. Otherwise no matter how much I know or like or even love you, I may punch you in your throat. Or grab your stomach. Or touch your boob or penis. That's how it feels to me. It feels like a violation if there is no permission. So just ask. Please.

2.) Hearing about how huge I am or how huge my belly is or huge some other body part of mine is. I get it, it is pretty big. I am carrying an almost 10lb. child. I know how big I am. I am also very self conscious about how big I am. There are days I feel gorgeous, honestly. There are also days where I feel disgustingly huge and covered in stretch marks and gross. So to hear you say "You're huge!" "Look at how big your ankles are!" "You have sausage toes right now!" "That belly is going to explode/pop/burst!" makes me want to punch you in your stupid face. Seriously. When is it acceptable to EVER say those things to anyone? So just because I'm pregnant you get a free ride to be rude? I don't think so. I had an ass-clown at Trader Joe's ask me yesterday if I was having twins because his sister did and she was HUGE (complete with a hand gesture to show how huge she was).  I'm not kidding when I say I wanted to pummel this guy. How rude can you be?! How stupid?! You're an ass-hat! I should have asked if he was getting braces since his teeth were so fucked up and 4 years of braces made my teeth perfect. It is not okay to say shit like that. NOT OKAY. Say it in your head but do not say it to an overly emotional and vulnerable pregnant woman who no doubt has already said horrible shit to herself in a bad self-esteem moment. Don't be a dick.

I know I sound like a see you next Tuesday a little but seriously, have people lost their common sense? In a normal situation it isn't okay to just grab, touch, grope, rub, or molest someone so don't do it when they're pregnant. In a normal situation it isn't okay to comment about how huge someone's anatomy is-it's really rude in fact. So don't do it when that person in pregnant. Use the common sense you have, please. I don't think it's that hard. And if it is that hard for you just be prepared that if you do that to me I may just punch you in your throat and/or face and say something horrible to you in return. That might just happen.

Other than those two things driving me nuts things are good. Just getting impatient to meet my Lil' Dude. He doesn't seem to be wanting to exit any time soon. I saw my delivery OB today who after fisting me told me that my cervix is still closed but has softened to about 50-60% effaced. She is still pushing for induction and I am still fighting that with all my mama might. If I dilate at all by my appointment Thursday she'll strip my membranes which is a natural (and super painful) way to try to kick-start labor. Good times. As of right now it just seems like Lil' Dude is content in there so I am trying to be patient with him. Although he has to know I am way more stubborn than he is so if we're doing a battle of the wills I will win. I have 29 more years experience of being bull-headed and stubborn so he's in for it. Until them I keep eating spicy foods twice a day, walking a lot, having "date night" with my husband, eating mango & pineapple, nipple stimulation, rubbing oils on my hoo-ha, and bouncing on my exercise ball to try to get this little giant out. We'll see if it takes! Until then everything is ready to go & Joe and I made 7 dozen pierogi and 4 pans of golabki for our freezer to have for meals after baby arrives. We are prepared! :D

Hope all is well with you dear Chickens!


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