Sunny With A Chance of ANother Letter

To My Son,

Oh my gosh, you're almost here! We're at 39 weeks and 2 days which means you literally can come any moment now. You're Dada and I are so excited to meet you buddy! I just wanted to say some things before you get here to remember these last fleeting moments with you so close to my heart.

First, I love you so much Lil' Dude. I cannot stress that enough. I am so excited to hold you in my arms but I know I will miss our time with you in my belly. You're so close and I can rub and pat and talk to you all the time. You must know how much I love you bud, I say it all the time. Plus in there you're getting to hear my heart so I know you know how it beats for you. Goodness sakes this household loves you. Mama, Dada, Colonel Mustard & Zebbie too. These 3 guys have been snuggling you and Mama extra hard, they can't wait to meet you either! Just know you are going to be surrounded with so much love.

Second, your extended family cannot wait to meet you either! Papa/Djadja & Gamma/Buscia are coming out in February just to meet you little man.  We're going to let you pick what you call them but just know they're so excited to meet you and love you so much already. The rest of the family (on both sides) can't wait until Spring when we bring you back to Michigan to introduce you to everyone. Get ready to be smothered in snuggles and kisses little one!

Third all your honorary "aunts" and "uncles" or Mama & Dada's pals also cannot wait to meet you! Everyone is busting at the seams to know when you're going to arrive. Not just here in L.A. but in Chicago, Michigan, and New York too. You're going to be welcomed into this world with so much love little one. You are already so loved and anticipated, I know you can feel that.

We just want you to arrive when you're ready, come out healthy and strong, and to be ready to be loved on by so many folks. You're a lucky little man to be so wanted and loved already pal. We're prepping extra hard to make sure everything is nice and clean and cozy for your home-coming and we've taken all the classes, prepped our hospital bags, set-up & cleaned all the stuff we have for you, are constantly cleaning the apartment, are set up our cloth diaper service to properly guard your little tush and kielbasa from wet & dirty stuffs, and are preparing meals to freeze so we can not have the bother of needing to cook a bunch once you get here. We're just so excited buddy! All this prep just keeps reminding us that you will arrive any day now!

We're trying extra hard to get your puppy brothers ready to meet you. They're extra snuggly right now and we expect a little jealousy to happen but we know they will love you so much. I think Colonel is going to think you're his baby and though Zebbie can be tentative with some kiddos I think he will take to you like he did to your cousin Staszie. They already love all your swag and will want to play with you (and all your toys) tons. We're going to have such a fun time with all three of you, I just know it.

Buddy, I just want to remind you of our agreements and to promise to you again all of these things. I want you to know that I love you first and foremost and that I will try my damnedest to provide you with all the love and guidance you need. You just get ready little guy, this is going to be pretty epic. And even when you hate me, you just remember that I love you. That I have loved you this whole time and will always love you. You just remember that I suffered through 24/7 punches and kicks from you ya big giant because I love you. No matter what you are perfect to me. Dad and I love you SO much. Just finish baking in there and come out soon. So many of us want to meet you and love you!

 I love you Lil' Dude, with all my heart.
*Mama*

 

Sunny With A Chance of 2013 Review!

Hello dear Chickens! It's getting to be the very  end of the year and I've been reflecting on this crazy whirlwind that was 2013. So here is my 2013 in Review:

January: We left MI after visiting our families on New Year's day. I got approved for my back surgery on Jan. 4th (which was HUGE). Colonel turned 3 on 1/14 (I can't believe he's almost 4, WHAT?!). We went to Las Vegas to visit our pals at Dog is God in Reverse before they moved to Alaska and had a mini 10 year reunion with her and our pal Trevor (Chemics!). Watched the SAG awards and loved them as always. Fell in love with Kid President and his amazing motivational talks. I went to The Ellen Show, ended there was no room for us, sigh.

February: I walked a Color Run 5k with my Second City peeps and it was AMAZING. I want to do another one. I met Keith Coogan with my pal Heather (who had the BIGGEST childhood crush on him ever), he's SUPER nice! The Shakespeare nerd that I am got super excited about Richard III being found. I got sick, boo! My surgery got moved back (boo) but only by a day (phew). The webseries 2 Hopeful Spinsters I was an actor in and did wardrobe for premiered with a season opener starring my pals and Michael Madsen! Joe and I celebrated SEVEN years together on 2/12/13. Colonel Mustard broke his ankle on that same day and I bawled my eyes out, I do not do well when my buddies are hurt. He then got a cast that he wore for quite a few weeks to heal, he also chewed himself out of those casts multiple times. I finished Conservatory 4 at The Second City Hollywood Training Center and had to take a break from moving on to Con 5 and graduating as I needed spinal surgery. I found out I had an enlarged thyroid and had to deal with that crap. I had an allergic reaction to amoxicillin and found out that I should never take that (or any penicillin) again so I don't die. I got a bit down and freaked out here.

March: I had a last hurrah before surgery and got to spend the night laughing with good pals who wished me well before surgery. I felt a mixed bag of emotions before surgery here and honestly felt like I was facing my own mortality. March 5th at 5am I went in to surgery. This day changed my life. I was so scared, Joe and I said goodbye just in case, I crawled naked onto a freezing surgery table, I woke up in bed with a huge scar down my front to Joe's face and beautiful flowers and well wishes from family and friends who are like family. I was fixed after 10 years of broken. It was a hard week in the hospital, really hard, but I started to heal. I went home on 3/9 and lived on pain meds for a bit. I got thrush from being in the hospital and cleared it up by oil pulling with coconut oil. My mom came out from MI to take care of me for a week and it was a great week of being super spoiled. Then Joe had spring break and took care of me for another week. Then my pal Benny came out from NYC (on tour with Beauty & the Best) and took care of me for 2 weeks. I was quite spoiled whilst healing up. I got a sweet handicap parking pass which really helped me a lot. We got our wedding photos back, they were gorgeous! I had a lovely Easter with pals and got to spend the day outside, even though I got a sunburn.

April: April is Autism Awareness month and it is very dear to me as my cousin has Autism. We celebrated Zebbie's 1 Year Gotcha Day, cannot believe how fast that flew and how it seems like we've had him forever. We celebrated the birth of Gwendolyn Everlast a.k.a. our pal Natalie. We also went down to San Diego and spent a weekend with our pal K Mac-Bakes. The Boston City Marathon bombing happened which broke my heart. Texas quake happened which also broke my heart. I bought Betty Goes Vegan and my stomach rejoiced. I saw End of the Rainbow starring Tracie Bennett and it was magic. Got a much needed tax refund-huzzah! We lost my cousin Ronnie which was really hard. Loads of states passed Gay Marriage Equality bills and I rejoiced.

May: We had a movie theatre premiere, red carpet and all, of 2 Hopeful Spinsters and it was AMAZING. Stars were there, Joe & I dressed up, it was our first big night out after my surgery. We celebrated our 4th Annual Vegan Beer Fest and it was MAGIC. I actually got in to The Ellen Show and it was awesome. I watched a lot of 90s Nickelodeon shows. Joe and I went to France and it was wonderful. I got super sick in Paris which was NOT wonderful. Turned out what we thought was food poisoning was our son, we panicked then rejoiced once my surgeon okayed us. Then we kept our secret until we were through the first trimester.

June: I was nauseated all month-ugh first trimester was ROUGH. Esther Williams died and my heart broke. Celebrated K Mac-Bakes bday, mys sister's bday, my Tacquito's graduation, struggled through the anniversary of my cousin's death, Father's Day, my pal Bridgey's bday, and Emily's bday. Laughed my butt off at BRF Syndrome. James Gandolfini passed away and my heart broke. Joe and I drove to Michigan (of course our car Rosalita broke down and had to be fixed but it was Firestone's fault). We had a wonderful time at home and I got to snuggle my nephew extra hard. We celebrated the retirement of my high school theatre's dream team.

July: We were still in Michigan for the start of July. Loads more cuddles with my little nephew. Mini reunion with some grade school chums that was pretty awesome. We picked our anniversary/reception spot. I met up with my pal that I had known since I was a little kid and hadn't seen in thirteen years & met her kiddos. We brought back my parents VCR & my childhood VHS collection. It was amazing. Zimmerman got away with murder and I felt sick in my soul. I fell in love with West Wing & Orange is the New Black. Dennis Farina passed away and I was heart broken. We announced our pregnancy publicly. The family I now babysit for and have known since college moved to L.A. I started swimming after a year long hiatus and it felt amazing. Signed up for my Conservatory 5 audition for Second City. Eileen Brennan passed away and my heart was sad.

August: Minnesota and Rhode Island joined those states who gave equal marriage rights to the LGBTQ community and my heart was happy. We found out that I am a carrier for Fragile X and my world came crashing down. I had an amniocentesis to determine if our baby would be born with disabilities, be a carrier like me, or be "normal". Those few weeks before the amnio and after were hell. The results came in here and I felt lost still. There were still so many decisions to make. Our car got towed and we shelled out $300+ for it, blerg! My first pregnant lady brain moment happened when I locked myself out of my locker with clothes and had to wander the gym in a bathing suit looking for Joe. We revealed we were having a baby boy here. The 2 Hopeful Spinsters webseries was apart of the Hollyshorts film festival. I felt the baby move for the first time on 8/23, that was crazy! News of Syria made my heart explode with sadness. I was accepted into the final level of Conservatory at Second City. My pal Monica visited and I got to see the Disney Animation Studios and my brain and heart were so happy I almost died.

September: We celebrated Labor Day with the rascals of Second City Hollywood and it was amazing. I hung with pals and watched Sharknado-it was crappy awesome. I bought my son his coming home outfit (it's this with Bill in blue). Joanna Garcia crushed my dreams of being Ariel on Once Upon A Time so now I hold out hope to be Merida (I have the hair). I let everyone know that being pregnant can be gross here. I wrote a letter to my son here and it's become my favorite post ever and I will give this to him when he is older. I went to my first Dodgers game and wore Tigers stuff cuz I love Detroit for life! My 2 pups were attacked by 2 other dogs and I almost beat the crap out of the dogs' owner for being useless and letting her dogs bite mine and not stopping them or getting them on their stupid leashes. I hate that lady. I graduated up to maternity swimsuits as my bump could no longer be tamed. I got the dreaded pregnancy cold that wouldn't die.

October: We were reunited with our college pal LaFawnduh and received an adorable baby gift from her. Joe and I went to Michigan to celebrate our one year anniversary of marriage. We had a blast and got to soak in some real fall weather, see lots of loved ones, make and eat delicious food, and party it up with pals and loved ones. See the pics here! We got held up in Chicago but made it back to L.A. after a lot of lameness. I hit the cankle phase of pregnancy where my ankles and calves swelled together to form one. My Tigers were kicking ass and taking names. My son received so much swag from all those who love us. Jimmy Leyland announced his retirement and I wept as he will always be my favorite crotchety Tiger. I finished my baby registry on amazon.com (find that right here). Marcia Wallace passed away and my childhood wept. We started our Prepared Childbirth Classes and loved our instructor. Lou Reed passed away, sadness again. I failed my first gestational diabetes test but passed the awful 3 hour one and then almost passed out. Joe and I went as hipster Ariel & Eric for Halloween with the kiddos I babysit and their folks, it was a blast!

November: The mentoring program for kids in less funded schools for writing put on their big show and I was so proud to be apart of it and of those kids' hard and amazing work! It was so special. :) The LAX shooting happened and I got so damn fed up with all the gun violence happening. My Spartans KILLED the Wolverwieners in football and my heart rejoiced. Spartan nation baby! My phone took a big crap and I have been struggling with it since as I can't upgrade until March. Same sex marriage became recognized in Illinois and my heart was happy. We received an amazing gifts of stroller/carseat combo from our pals Lizz & Sherm. I made a list of things to remember here. We hung out with our pals Bridget (came from NYC), Lizz & Sherm (came from San Fran), and Katie (here in L.A.) and it was epic. My son was measuring 4lbs. 6oz. already-BIG dude. My Pops and brother had birthdays and I was sad to miss them. My cousin Kate visited from Chicago and it was awesome. We found a crib we liked! Spartans continued to dominate in football. USC cut off dependent insurance screwing me and baby boy over big time and the hunt for new insurance began. We celebrated Friendsgiving with old pals and new & the kiddos I babysit for and it was a feast of food and good times. We got a storage unit to make way for baby stuff. I did a photo shoot with my cast for the opening of our show in January (check us out here on Facebook or on Twitter or on Instagram).

December: I turned 29 on December 1st and had my baby shower and it was an amazing day. I received an out-pouring of love from friends and family near and far and felt so special. I couldn't have asked for more. We decorated our apartment with our tree, stockings, wreath, etc. and I got into the holiday spirit. Joe turned 31 and I spoiled him rotten and he loved it. My grandma had a mini stroke and I didn't really talk about it to anyone publicly but it's been hard and my brother and my aunt have been keeping me in the loop and I am so grateful to them for all the help they're giving to her and my grandpa. She is now doing better and I am very grateful. I promoted the crap out of my show opening in January and continue to do so, have you visited the pages and liked us yet? You should, it would mean a lot to me. I wrote, produced, and am starring in this sucker. Please show your support! Nelson Mandela died and my soul broke, Madiba means so much to the world and to me. He is an inspiration for all. Paul Walker passed away and my 12 year old self wept. I was apart of this video parodying the Guinness commercial. I performed a lot of shows with my cast-mates of Me, My Selfie, and I (January 6th we open ay 7pm). I met Lily Tomlin and JoAnn Worley both of whom I love and did bits with me about my giant belly and son. The Spartans became Big 10 champs and are going to the Rose Bowl!!! We decorated the tree at our L.A. family's home and were once again awarded the best light crew award. We made a vegan french onion chip dip and my tummy did a happy dance. Second City had its holiday party and I saw so many of the people I love there and got to perform at Gradfest. I hit 9 months pregnant and my son is huge and just dropped causing my hips and pelvis to feel like they're breaking. My Zebbie pup turned 2! My nephew turned 1! We hosted an orphan Xmas and it was awesome and my cousin came down from Beale airforce base and we got to spend time with him and his wife and it was magic. Last night Joe and I went on our last big Date Night as just a couple with fur-babies. We went to Shojin vegan sushi and The Hunger Games Catching Fire. It was so lovely and a nice last big date together before little man arrives. Sometimes it's just nice to date your husband. Now we prep for tomorrow where we get to meet Coach Mark D'Antonio and Coach Tom Izzo-WHAT?!!! So excited!!!! Best Xmas present ever if I do say so myself. Then we spend a low-key New Year's Eve together.

So all in all 2013 was crazy. Major lows but some pretty great highs too.

And for 2014 here is my plan instead of resolutions:
Before Midnight On New Year's Eve: Write down the things you are DONE with in your life on a piece of paper and BURN IT. THEN: write all you want, desire, wish, dream of on another piece of paper. fold it and seal it in an envelope marked "TO BE OPENED NEW YEAR'S EVE 2014". Put it someplace that you'll remember...sock drawer, your Memory Box, diary, etc...When you open it next year, you'll be astonished at how many of those things came true! Happy New Year 2014!

I think this is a much better plan for me than setting resolutions that I forget about. Plus how fun will it be to read that list next year on New Year's Eve. As the year draws to a close I hope you all have a lovely New Year celebrations and that your 2014 is full of love, laughter, fun, and all the good things!

Take care dear Chickens & see you in 2014! :)

 

Sunny With A Chance of 84 Degree Christmas!

Hope you all had lovely Christmases (for those celebrating)! We had our very first one away from our families in Michigan.

First off, super weird not to have a cold snowy Christmas. It was EIGHTY-FOUR DEGREES IN L.A. Whyyyyyyy??????!!!! Ugh! So awful. I know some of you think I'm crazy, but I LOVE Winter. It is my favorite. I love snow, I love cold, I love my nose getting chilled, I love sweaters and mittens and fireplaces and snuggling and sledding and hot tea and EVERYTHING. So this was really lame to me. Really, really lame. I was majorly dreaming of a white Christmas and had to turn on the air conditioner to get some relief from the heat. It was ridiculous.

Second, it was so weird not to be with my folks and siblings on the 25th. My cousin Russ came down from the air force base in Beale, CA and spent the day with us. Visiting with him and his wife was so lovely and we had such a nice time catching up and laughing about our family and missing them. So it was nice to have that family element in the flesh. We also FaceTimed with my crazy fam back in MI and it was hilarious. Most of them didn't get fully in frame so we saw half their faces. It was perfect. I miss those weirdos a lot! It's always good to talk to them but it was nice to see their (half) faces as well. :)

Third: Joe, er, I mean Santa brought me the Little Mermaid on DVD. It was awesome. We're broke right now (shocked aren't you?) so we weren't going to do any gifts but I got a little surprise in my stocking and it was amazing. I love that guy! Russ & Christina gave Joe olive oils, gave me sugar & salt scrubs, and gave Lil' Dude a Sully (from Monster's Inc.) hat & booties. Our dear pal Heather gave us a great Los Angeles bag, Joe's grandma gave us a very generous gift of money, and my folks really took care of us with a very, very, very generous gift of money for the 3 of us. We are very lucky to have so many folks who love and care about us. It made our holiday so special and was such a surprise.

Fourth: Our pals Lizz & Sherm came over and it was so nice to hang with them. And it was the first time Lizz had ever had pot roast & Joe was so happy to introduce her to it. Yay for college pals now living in L.A.-we love it!

Fifth: We ate SO much! Here's what we ate that day: light breakfast was vegan funfetti cupcakes, then at 1pm we had big breakfast of apple butter French Toast, hashbrowns with ketchup, breakfast sausages, and bagels with chive cream cheese. All vegan of course. Then we snacked. Then for dinner we had salad with Joe's homemade balsamic vinegar. I ate Polish dill mashed potatoes and everyone else had those and pot roast (it was meat heaven for them). Then I got hungry later and made pasta with vegan buttery spread, Tony Chachere's spice, pepper, and garlic powder. SO MUCH FOOD! It was awesome. I also played bartender and made quite a few Bloody Marys and Joe had some G&Ts.

Sixth: I worked Xmas Eve & the day after Xmas but it was so nice to have a full day off and rest and laugh and spend time with my puppies (they were so snuggly and silly) and with friends and family. We watched Christmas movies and hung out and wore pajamas and it was amazingly low key and wonderful. For our first Xmas away from the folks and last Xmas as a couple with pups I think we nailed it. Super chill, great movies, great company, loads of great food. I cannot complain.

Hope your holiday was amazing! Cannot wait for the New Year!!! 2014 is going to be a big one for us! Take care dear Chickens :)



 

Sunny With A Chance of Pups!

I feel like poor Colonel Mustard and Zebbie have been neglected on the blog. Not at home that's for sure. Just wanted to update you all on the other little dudes in my life (other than the one in my womb). So here's what our pups have been up to:

-sleeping all the time
-cuddling mama's big new tummy
-wrestling like fiends on top of mom's new tummy whilst she tries to sleep
-being ridiculously cute all the time
-trying to eat any new stuffed toy that comes for the baby
-smelling all of the baby's new stuff/clothes/etc. to make sure it's a-okay
-getting spoiled by mom with new toys
-barking at dogs outside the apartment window
-sleeping next to mom at night rather than dad because she is now a warmer temperature than him (very opposite of usual)
-pooping and peeing in the house yesterday. Not their faults but boy did they feel bad, poor little dudes
-getting loads of cuddles, pets, kisses, scratches, and I love yous as we prepare to rock their world with the new baby brother in January.

So that's their super tough life as of late. Rough, right? I wish I had easy days like those two do!


 

Sunny With A Chance of Sentiment

Holy crap, it's been almost a year since I got married! It'll be eight years in February that we've been together. We've weathered a long distance 3 states apart year together, a cross country from Chicago/Michigan to California move, way too many years of being SUPER broke, years of my back failing, Joe working on his PhD for 5 years (SO glad this is the last year!), adopting 2 rescue pups that made our hearts explode with love and trouble, a "surgery-not-pregnancy-shotgun-wedding", a spine surgery where I thought I may die, a very unplanned pregnancy surprise, finding out I'm a carrier for Fragile X, testing me and our son a million times to find out he is also a carrier. After all that we are still together, loving each other, fighting for each other and our family, and still believing the other person is the MoneyPenny whilst we are the James Bond of the relationship (I'm clearly the alpha guys). I love this guy so much! He is the most amazing best friend, husband, partner, and dada out there. He just is.

We are having our Year Anniversary BBQ & Brunch back in Michigan for our family members & friends that couldn't make it out to L.A. for our actual wedding on 10/11/12. It's super casual and low key but I am really excited. I'm excited for Michigan fall, for being on a lake at a Lodge for the BBQ, for having loads of vegan options that will be delicious, for a pickle table, for pies for dessert, for the fire pit, for the Robert Cavalli dress I received as a wedding present to wear for the event from my L.A. "mom" (I feel like a princess in it!), for seeing family and friends, for apple cider, for apple butter, for fun, and for silly times! This is going to be a great anniversary and a great party with great people. I will walk around barefoot. I will breathe in all the fall I can. And I will celebrate the shit out of loving the guy who puts up with my craziness every damn day. I love him so much and can't wait to celebrate!

I'm pretty lucky in the family I've created. I love the crap out of these four dudes. Joe is the best person ever and makes me want to be a better person-he helped me find me and love me by loving him I also started to love myself the way he did (believe it or not this gal had some super low self-esteem and he helped me see that that was not okay). Colonel Mustard is my first baby and such a little snuggle bug-he taught me to be a mama for real. Zebbie is my little cutie bug full of spunk and smart as a whip-he taught me that having more than one "son" just means your heart expands to make room for everyone. And Grapefruit Baby-having you in my belly is a trip, I love you so much already baby boy, I cannot wait to hold you and smooch the crap out of you in January! I really love my little family and cannot wait to celebrate this little milestone with our extended brood that we consider to be our big family! Some of we're related to, some we're not but all mean the world to us! Get ready for loads of pictures of silliness y'all. It is guaranteed!

Have wonderful weeks dear Chickens!


 

Sunny With A Chance of Road Trip!

Today we leave on a road trip back to Michigan to see family and friends for the 4th. We're gone 2 weeks and I really am excited to get back (though I could do without the humidity). So many things are happening right now it'll be nice to get a bit of a break! What's going on you ask?

1) I interviewed for a job as an assistant to an agent, I really hope I get it. They seem like amazing people and a really awesome office! My friend hooked me up with the interview and I just hope I shined enough to get the gig!

2) Joe and I are looking for a bigger place to live. My sister is most likely moving out here with us so we're looking for a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment/townhouse/house! We need more space with 3 humans and 2 dogs, this 1 bedroom just isn't cutting it. So now we need a safe, spacious, and affordable place to live. Anyone able to help us find something like that here in the Los Angeles area?

3) We have a surprise coming up that I am busting to tell everyone but for now, mums the word. So excited for July to get here so I can surprise people. Who doesn't love surprises? Unless you're on the Ellen show and she scares you, that might not be the favorite kind of surprise. Although I do love scaring people, of Ellen you just get me so much.

4) I am creating my wedding part 2 website with a pal who is an amazing web designer and I am so excited for what he is whipping up! It is going to be AMAZING! Also the party in October is going to be so much fun! We cannot wait! Part of this trip back to MI is to get things cemented like the tents, tables, chairs, etc. Exciting stuff!

5) My first pup Colonel Mustard has his 3 year "Gotcha Day" coming up in August-I cannot believe it has already been 3 years since we got out nugget! Zebbie just had his 1 Year "Gotcha Day" in April and it just feels like time is flying with our 2 pups. I love these little guys SO much!

That's about it, it just feels like a lot since I'm now trying to get back to normal after being on disability so long. It is just a lot! Hope all is well with you dear chickens!

 

Partly Sunny With a Chance of Goodbye/Hello

So here it is. The day before the surgery. I'm feeling loads of things right now: scared, excited, nervous, relieved, hungry... damn fasting prep. I want a strawberry flavored almond milk yogurt! It is calling to me from my fridge. Mmm, vegan yogurt, drool...

Okay. Focusing. I am really scared. My therapist said to use this time to figure out what I know about myself. Here is what I know.

-I am strong
-I am a fighter
-I love myself (even the parts I used to hate-thanks therapy)
-I like scars so this one should rock
-I am sad my tummy will never look the same
-I love my snuggly pups so much and will miss them these next few days
-I love that our apartment is SO clean right now, I never want it to be not this clean, it feels so good
-I need Joe more than anything
-I am scared about this surgery
-I am excited to feel well
-I am dreading these first few weeks/months of constant pain-I want instant wellness
-I really wish I was becoming bionic or part robot, it would be SO cool
-I am lucky

 I also want to acknowledge some goodbyes and hellos in this.

-Goodbye shitty L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1 discs. I will not miss you.
-Hello new shiny metal replacement discs-don't fuck it up.
-Goodbye numbness and pain and pins in needles down my leg.
-Hello pain free movements and mobility.
-Goodbye comfy tempurpedic bed-I WILL MISS YOU!
-Hello crappy hospital bed, blerg.
-Goodbye being able to walk on my own for awhile, I'll try really hard to see you again soon.
-Hello drive me crazy toddler mobility. Get ready to see me pissed off at my limitations.
-Goodbye my life for awhile. It is strange not working, interning, performing, play improvising, hanging out with people, etc. I will miss almost all of these things.
-Hello focusing on me, getting me well, healing. Time to rediscover myself as a healthy functioning person. It's been almost a decade, I'm excited to meet you again.
-In case of emergency: goodbye to all those I love. Your love and friendships have meant more than you know. Your support, your strength. I am so grateful to have known you and to have loved you. I am sorry for any bad times, moments of anger, or hurtful words/deeds. I want you to know that you have helped me lead such a full life. Goodbye to those who have hurt me. Most of you I loved so fully that this is the reason for the hurt. But I thank you. Even if we parted poorly. I want to say I forgive you if we parted due to your actions. Even those of you who were truly hurtful. I wish to ask forgiveness if we parted due to my actions. Even if I was truly hurtful. I think I am who I am and am as strong as I am because of what our partings have taught me. If it is time I want to go out with a bang so everyone make sure you show up to my wake and party hard for me and laugh about all the stupid shit I did or said and please remember me fondly and always with a laugh. I love all of you! And I hope I am eternally your favorite Ginger Giant.
-In case of normalcy: Hello Friends! I am BIONIC! FUCK YES! Please be gentle with me these next few months as I heal. Please do not stop visiting, calling, texting, emailing. I NEED YOU. I need your friendship and support. Please be there even if I can't physically be there for you. I need it and I am asking. Please understand if I am in a terribly cranky mood from hurting. Please excuse that bad behavior. Please treat me with kindness even if I am being a jerk but also please tell me gently I was being a jerk. Sometimes it is hard to be nice when you're hurting but I never want to hurt any of you. Please don't stop loving me. Also when I am well please know that I want to go out and be active and see all of you. So please invite me and if I can be there I will, if I can't please understand. When I am 100% we will all go out dancing and be crazy and silly and it will be magnificent. And I will do cartwheels in celebration! Help me say hello to a new life without lower back pain!
-Goodbye to old me and hello to new me.

I am ready. I feel a little weird. My heart feels like it is beating a mile a minute. My head is relaxed though. I am loving up on the pups of mine as much as I can. I will miss holding them and snuggling them for quite sometime. I am trying to relax as much as I can but I do feel jittery. I also feel ready. I am scared about finances. I know we'll figure it out though. So much unknown. I think that is the thing that really scares me. The unknown. I'm not scared of surgery, I'm not scared of bad results, I'm not scared to die. I Am Scared by that which is unknown. I don't know how surgery will turn out, if it will be good or bad, if I will live today or die today, if I will have money or not have money, the unknown scares me. But I also have found that it is the most exciting. To not know. To have ENDLESS possibilities. To be unsure and to say "fuck it, here I go!" and run full steam ahead at that unknown. That is to really live. I'm a thrill seeker that way. So here I go, running full steam ahead at this surgery with all its possibilities of success and failure of bankruptcy of being fine of no pain of paralysis of death of life of all of the UNKNOWN! Here I come sucker. See numbers 1 & 2 on my list of what I know about myself above to know how this will go for me. I am ready.

 Catch you on the flip side dear chickens! I think I'll deserve a nice vegan pizza to celebrate after this, call up Cruzers for me will ya?

 

Stormin' Like Crazy

I'm not going to sugar coat this post dear chickens, this month has been a shit-storm for me. Whilst January felt so full of hope and good things to come February has kicked my ass. HARD. Really, really hard. Everyday this month has felt like "what disaster is going to happen today?" and that is not how I like to live my life. Just to get you in the loop here is what has been going on.

I participated in the Los Angeles 5K Color Run for charity. I was part of the Second City Hollywood team. This was AMAZING. I had a blast. The event was wonderful, the people I walked with were wonderful. I had the most fun. See my last post for some pics of the amazingness. This led me to believe this month would be great.

Then my body felt like total crap after working 2 days of 14 hour shifts, walking 3ish miles and I got super sick. I also had my last day of full time work which means my income ground to a halt. Which when you have a major surgery on the books is SUPER SCARY. My bank account hit negative in checking, in savings, my credit card was overly maxed, and I have a loan I'm paying on PLUS too many payment plans on hospitals/doctors/medical crap to even count. I began to panic. My amazing parents & in-laws helped my husband and I out of a jam. I cried a lot about how grateful I am for them and how awful I felt to even have to ask them to give us money. I told you I am not sugar coating this today. I spent the week in bed trying to sleep as much as possible, rest, and recover.

I got an email that my surgery needed to be moved. My neurosurgeon had to be somewhere on the day we had scheduled so I had to move the surgery. Of course I went into full panic mode. Thankfully we worked it out that it only got moved back a day. That was a HUGE relief. Then my back went out so I heating padded up, burned my back, popped some pain meds, & suffered through.

February 11: Joe & my 7 year anniversary. Also our married for 4 months-aversary. Instead of being amazing and romantic (though I did give Joe the cutest surprise of a book of dates from Datevitation-he loved it!) our little 3 year old Beaglerrier fell off the bed (in an attempt to steal an apple slice from my plate) and hurt his leg. It was instant high pitched yelping, crying, limping, my lifting him into my lap and him crying there whilst I called Joe balling and in a panic that my baby hurt himself. I got an appointment for him in 2 hours time (to avoid the Emergency fee at the vet) & we brought him in for an X-ray & pain meds. Welp, that turned out to be $460 and we still didn't know if anything was broken. So we went home with instructions to not let him do anything on his hurt leg (back right side leg). The next day we got the call that it was a non-displaced fracture in his ankle and he needed a cast. Poor little man was so hurt. We scheduled the appointment for first available (so Valentine's Day morning). So on Valentine's we headed into our vet's for a cast for our man. He got a purple heart on it for being so brave. Needless to say we were heart broken he was hurt and out quite a bit more cash. So anything like a dinner out, etc. went out the window as our bank account went negative again. Joy of all joys week right there. Hurt fur baby and broke. And to be honest (and even though I feel a twinge of guilt saying it) I was jealous of everyone on Facebook posting their flowers, dinners out or in, the chocolates, etc. when Joe and I got to do nothing but stress and cry and sit in our vet's office like wrecks and watch our bank account spiral into negative land. Then Joey wrote me a letter titled "To My Loving Wife" and my heart felt a bit lighter.

I got paid which helped us back into the black in our account so we weren't so scared. Then Colonel Mustard chewed through his cast so we had to go get a replacement. Then we coned him when we went out with a soft flexi-cone. He chewed through that and we got a THIRD cast & a hard-shell cone. Out more money. Then Joe went out of town for the weekend on a chess tournament that he couldn't afford but didn't want to let down the rest of his team. So he packed food, he drove (he got gas money for it) and then got a speeding ticket-which includes a court date and most likely a $300 price tag. I had a dear friend come over and I cooked us dinner (which I made enough of to eat for the rest of the weekend until Joe got back into town because this girl knows how to stretch meals when she is broke let me tell you!). We proceeded to drink a lot of vodka. And damn it I needed it. The next morning I had a brunch date with some pals in my improv conservatory class and then we had our last show together as a group. It was really bittersweet. These people have been in my life for a year now and not only do I love play improvising with them in class but they have become dear friends. We had our last class the next day which was also really bittersweet. A few of us were going to meet up that had been together since the beginning level and say our goodbyes and we ran into a few others from our class. We ended up sharing some margaritas and a few people got quite tipsy. It made for a hilarious last class to take the tinge of the sadness of it. I really love my improv family!

I was feeling like even though we were kind of "in the shit", things were looking a bit better. I was feeling grateful to have these classes and my internship that paid for them (which I had my final day of and was so sad about). Then I found a huge golf-ball sized lump in my throat that hurt to touch and made it hurt to swallow, breathe in deeply through my mouth, and yawning was horrible pain. I made a doctor's appointment for the next day out of panic that this could hold up my surgery. The doctor believed it to be an infection. I was given amoxicillin for it and was awaiting results from a throat culture. This was this past Friday. By Saturday I had an itchy patch behind my knee, by Sunday behind both my knees, on my stomach & rib cage, and my left inner arm. They looked like hives or a rash. I believed it to be an allergic reaction to the meds. Monday I saw the doctor again because I was itching myself to death. He said I was allergic to penicillin. I got steroids, a z pack, and instructions to take claritin & benadryl to help with the histamine in the hives.

I got a call late Monday afternoon from the vascular surgeon's (who is part of my surgery team) office saying I owed a $2500 deposit for my pre-op appointment the next day and that his portion of my surgery costs about $15-20k and since he is out of my insurance network I would owe that. I FULL BLOWN PANICKED. I explained no one had told me about this, that no one told me he was out of network, that I can't afford the $2500 let alone $20,000. I said "what the hell am I supposed to do now, my surgery is next week?" I was told someone would speak to the doctor to "try to help me out" and that they would get back to me. I called my neurosurgeon's surgical coordinator who had set up my surgery and the office was closed at 4:30PM on a Monday for some unknown reason. I emailed her. I spoke to the vascular surgeon's office to confirm my appointment the next day only if I heard back about these billing issues. I started crying and screaming because this month has been so hard. So.fucking.hard. Because my surgery was about to be canceled because I will not go into bankruptcy for a $20k portion of my surgery and have the rest of my next 10 years fucked financially because of this. All this waiting and planning and feeling good was being crushed because no one was giving me full disclosure about MY surgery that involves MY money and MY health and affects the rest of MY life. NO ONE ELSE'S BUT MY LIFE. I called my parents and told them the $600 plane tickets my mom bought to come take care of me post-op because I have no one here other than Joe who is at school 6-8 hours a day can take care of me because they all have lives, jobs, careers, kids, significant others, & I can't ask them to hold my life in their hands because who wants that responsibility? might have to eat the $600 tickets because everything might be off. I called my brothers to talk to someone who gets that being an adult sucks but being an adult who had these major medical issues really sucks. I called friends who couldn't or didn't pick up. I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt emotionally and mentally strained and exhausted. I threw darts as hard as I could and that felt better. If I wasn't on meds I might have drank an entire bottle of whiskey by myself. I went to bed defeated.

I woke up yesterday to start the daily fight again. The fight for me, my health, my financial future, my life. I called the surgical coordinator of my neurosurgeon-Not in until noon. I called the office of the vascular surgeon and spoke to that coordinator. She would "take care of me" I told her that meant nothing, that I needed numbers, figures, an in-network provider. I talked to the vascular surgeon's billing department, I said the same things. I called for my neurosurgeon's coordinator again and left her a voicemail. I talked to the vascular surgeon's coordinator again she said "it didn't look good" as my deductibles haven't been met. I called the neurosurgeon's office and asked for my neurosurgeon, amazingly the coordinator was there a whole 3 hours before she was supposed to arrive at noon-SHOCKER-DO NOT AVOID MY CALLS-THIS IS MY LIFE. I went between these three offices from 8:30-2:30 on the phone and then in person I met with the vascular surgeon himself at 1:30pm. We worked out a payment plan for this $2500 deposit he requires as an out of network provider. He said that if the insurance approved my surgery that means he was approved as well and that I am only responsible for this deposit which will most likely be applied towards my deductible being met. I said "why isn't what you just said what your people said to me instead of sending me into a giant panic about everything being canceled?". He laughed. I didn't find it funny. So everything seemed to be fine. Joe and I had vegan pizza from Cruzer Pizza to celebrate that the surgery was still on and that I am going to probably have a stress induced heart attack at any moment.

Today we woke up, got Colonel his 4th new cast (he has to have them replaced weekly and we finally made it a whole week!). The vet tech said he was chafing which means less activity for him and to come in earlier than a week if certain signs show up. More money, more stress. I came home and exhausted went to bed again until this afternoon. I woke up and called the neurosurgeon's billing office. Apparently there are more problems for me when it comes to billing. I am insured through an insurance I pay myself who shall remain nameless but was amazing in the Midwest and SUCKS ASS out here in California. They won't pay for anything with this surgery because it isn't "necessary" in their eyes as I could live in pain on medication for the rest of my life and just have nerve damage and that isn't a big deal because IT ISN'T THEM. So Joe and I pushed our wedding up and I got on his amazing (though expensive) insurance that keeps auto-debiting our account and fucking us over money wise and giving us the run around on that but we suck it up because they have a 90-10 policy for me and that is a miracle even though my deductible is WAY too high I need them to cover this surgery to get my life back for the love of everything ever. Now I am being told having both these insurances, which in normal cases is a good thing as then you pay less because TWO insurance companies are paying your bills, is BAD in my case because my insurance won't cover and Joe's would then be my secondary meaning I would owe a lot of money I don't have so I can get this surgery. The suggestion was I drop my insurance. I asked for dollars and cents numbers to make that decision. The billing expert couldn't give that to me and had transposed my two deductibles. I had to give her the correct info and she needed the night and tomorrow morning to get back to me with figures so I can make a fully informed decision of should I drop my one insurance and get the surgery or cancel the surgery and try to find in-network surgeons who are qualified and can perform this for me quickly so I don't keep suffering. Then she kept trying to tell me she understood why I might be confused, I explained I wasn't and that I am just pissed off and frustrated that I am not being given full disclosure and complete information to make decisions that involve my health, my money, and my future. She didn't respond. I also said I was extremely aggravated to be dealing with this all DAYS before the surgery is supposed to happen rather than back when this fucking things was JUST STARTING TO BE SCHEDULED. She'll get back to me tomorrow.

I am going to write in caps for a minute here: DEAR ASSHOLES OF THE HEALTH INDUSTRY (that's right health care is a business and NOT actually about patient health, know that before you ever get sick or injured, it'll save you being disheartened often), GET YOUR SUPPORT STAFF'S SHIT TOGETHER. THEY NEED TO GIVE PATIENTS FULL DISCLOSURE AND DISCUSS ALL OPTIONS WITH THEM AT THE BEGINNING OF SCHEDULING PROCESSES NOT AT THE END. THEY ALSO NEED TO BE PEOPLE OF SOME INTELLIGENCE WHO THOROUGHLY UNDERSTAND THEIR JOBS AND CAN PERFORM THE DUTIES OF THESE JOBS. IF THEY CANNOT THEY SHOULD NOT BE IN THAT POSITION. IF THE PATIENT KNOWS MORE THAN THEY DO ABOUT THINGS THAT FALL INTO THEIR CATEGORY OF JOB DESCRIPTION PERHAPS THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE LET GO. AND NEVER, EVER TELL A PATIENT HOW THEY ARE FEELING, IT ANGERS THEM AND BELITTLES THEM. STOP HIRING AND EMPLOYING PEOPLE WHO ARE UNABLE OR ARE UNWILLING TO DO THEIR JOB PROPERLY BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU LOOK BAD AS DOCTORS. End rant.

But seriously, figure it the hell out. This stuff is life changing and fucking scary to the people in it. And I am more informed than most as I have been dealing with this for almost a decade. I am usually pretty understanding and willing to walk people through their own damn jobs just so I know I am taken care of. Because the only person who advocates for you in the health care business is YOU. No one else gives a shit about anything other than money. Sorry, that is the truth as I have learned it these past 9 years. But I will not and am not able to be patient with anyone who is doing what these people are doing to me with only LESS THAN A WEEK to go until my surgery. I am done. I am so fucking done I cannot even explain. I need loads of whiskey and vodka and beer and anything with alcohol right now but I am on meds and will not drink. So I am left feeling desperate, frustrated, angry, annoyed, pissed the hell off, hopeless, helpless, and exhausted! I just want to be done with doctors, their support staffs, and insurance for forever. I will have my babies at home by myself just to avoid all this headache. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take another fuck up regarding my health, welfare, finances, and future life due to someone else's idiocy, confusion, laziness, not caring, or disregard. I AM DONE! And yet I know I am not because I don't know how to not fight. How to not come out swinging, to not scratch/bite/kick/scream until I am taken care of. I will Tom Petty the shit of this situation ("I Won't Back Down") and every other one because I will not accept that answer. THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH.

So here I am. Feeling downtrodden, broken physically/emotionally/mentally, wanting to cry/scream/rage/wail, and all I can do is be here in this. Do you know what it feels like to sit in this kind of feeling? If you do, please, I need help. If you don't, no offense, don't offer anything other than I love yous because I can't take it. I am sorry but I just can't. The fighter in me is tired. The fighter wants a break and the poor girl just won't get it. And that fighter cannot take any of your advice if you don't get this. So I have to politely ask you to shut up. If you haven't been here, please just say I love you and then stop talking. I have been clinging to Momastery just to feel like other people out there get it. This is too hard sometimes. This thing called life. But I will keep on keeping on and keep on fighting/raging/kicking/screaming/wailing because I don't know how to stop. But for now I need a rest, I could really and truly use it.

Take care dear chickens, please take care. Here are some pics of my little buddy being brave in his casts.