Cloudy With a Chance of Crazy Train

I got a call Friday morning that woke me up from sleep. It was my genetic counselor calling to tell me the preliminary results from my amniocentesis. She told me that our baby inherited my carrier X chromosome, that the mutation only went up by one repeat though (I have 58 repeats and our baby has 59 repeats). She said that it was good news, not the best but good news. She warned that as a carrier there comes risks & issues. Females carriers have a 20% chance of premature ovarian failure over the age of thirty (this includes me by the way, I could have premature ovarian failure). That in males they definitely pass on this X chromosome to their daughters which means grandchildren could be carriers or have a full mutation. In both males & females over the age of fifty there are increased chances of tremors, seizures, short-term memory loss, and early onset dementia. These are not the things you want to hear or think about. To say I had mixed feelings is an understatement.

 I felt a rush of relief. I felt a rush of fear. I felt a rush of gratitude and anger and sadness and elation and everything else under the sun. This was good news, not the best though. Not the best. Risks and issues. There's an increased chance in carriers for anxiety and depression. I think the reason I'm double jointed and hyperextensive in all my joints is being a carrier. Bigger forehead and ears that stick out, I've got those too. Are they FXS related as a carrier? I don't know. I was told that sooner rather than later I need to decide if I want to have more kids, as my ovaries can stop working. Not I've run out of eggs as in menopause style but that they literally shut down and so I lose all those potential eggs I have already.

It's really hard to talk to people about this too. Everyone immediately says things like "this is great, the baby will be perfect, you have nothing to worry about now" or "try not to think about all that, that's in the future, there could be loads of medicine and a cure by then" or "you don't have to decide right now about kids, everyone says how hard pregnancy is but once that little baby gets here it will all be worth it, you'll want more I know it". To all these things I want to scream "SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" and I know how harsh that sounds. I want to acknowledge how lovely and supportive people are being, they truly are and my heart is SO grateful beyond words for it. But, there is also a difference between the best and good news, there's a difference between silly worries and legitimate medical fact worries, there is a difference between a "normal" pregnancy and mine, and I DO have to decide soon, and I do need to talk about it now, and I can't wait and not think of it until later because there may not be a later for me and my ovaries. That is where I feel so frustrated. IT IS DIFFERENT.

And I get so angry. So damned angry when someone tells me not to feel how I feel. I am justified in feeling every way I feel because I feel it. That's the only reason I need. I would never tell anyone not to feel any way about any thing because if you're feeling it, you're feeling it for a reason and whatever the reason you're justified in it damn it. Don't tell me how to feel or think. Don't tell me not to worry or discuss. Don't tell me this is like what every other parent feels, it's not. Yes, having my boobs shoot up to a cup size of G at only 4 months sucks, having areolas the size of silver dollars is gross, having a constant discharge in my pants is disgusting, the acne ALL over my body repulses even me, and my nails and hair aren't growing better, and I cry and am angry all the time and feel insane. Yes, all of those things suck, a lot. Pregnant ladies are awesome for going through what they go through. But, and I may sound like a jerk here, BUT all that shit doesn't fucking matter to me anymore because this is SO MUCH BIGGER. So much more. And it's overwhelming. There's still loads to think about, to decide, there's still issues and risks that may pop up, there is still just so much.

Plus, and even worse for a pressure-producer like me, every decision feels like it's on this immediate timeline and then I pressure myself internally to make it faster and these are not fast decisions people. I know I should breathe and enjoy this pregnancy and wait until the baby is born BUT I also have to think about if I want to go through this hell again. Can I feel this way again to have a natural child? Can I handle an amnio again? Can I handle all the testing and waiting again? Can I handle the stress and the not knowing? Am I ready to give up having more natural children and just adopt? We wanted to adopt anyway and have a big mixed family but is this the better option for us now, just adopt? Should we try to save up $35k+ for IVF & PGD testing to guarantee embryos with my good X? Do we get an egg donor? WHAT DO WE DO?! Decide sooner rather than later, oh by the way it starts at 30, you'll be 29 when you deliver so you should know pretty much by then. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know that a lot of this is internal pressure. I have always put a lot of pressure on myself. I am trying not to do that. I really, really am. I also recognize though that I need to precess this. I NEED TO. I am trying to process all of the stuff that comes with me, myself being a carrier. The stuff that possibly comes with my body, my ovaries, my future mental capacities, my future physical capacities, my possibilities of future children, who I am physically and mentally today and are they related to being a carrier, all of that. Realizing that things I considered as "guarantees" in my life aren't anymore. I am also trying to process for the child within me all of the stuff that comes with the fact that they are carriers. Their future mental capacities, their future physical capacities, their possibilities of future children, who they will be physically and mentally and will they related to being a carrier, all of that. I am also trying to decide and process for the possibility of other future natural born children I may have. It.is.a.lot. A lot, a lot. I'm trying to give myself time and patience and love and reminding myself to be grateful.

But also I am pissed off. I am sad. I am mad. I am enraged. I am fed up with the medical industry. This is the MOST COMMON form of genetic disability and no one knows about it. 1 in 260 women are carriers and 1 in 800 men are carriers and no one knows about it. There are clinics and support groups across the nation (and world actually) and no one knows about it. It's more common than childhood diabetes (About 1 in every 400 children and adolescents has diabetes [http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/diabetes-statistics/]) and no one knows about it. It's almost as common as muscular dystrophy and cystic fibrosis and yet NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT IT.  I'm not making this up. It's all over the place it's just not talked about like CF or MD or Autism or Down's Syndrome. And I don't know why that is. I really don't. I read the following things like this and this and even this and have to wonder-HOW ARE WE NOT INFORMED AS A PUBLIC ABOUT THIS?! Why is this so unknown, misdiagnosed, etc. when it is the most common genetic cause of disabilities? I get really angry about it. I really do. I know that I am a bit skewed in my view of the industry that is medicine anyway after my ten year spine battle but it should not be this much of a fight over common issues. I found out the state of Michigan (where I am originally from) doesn't test for this like it does with CF, MD, Down's automatically when maternal blood panels are done. Oh and if you ask to be test it's $1500 to test for FX unless you can convince your insurance to cover it. WHAT?! That is disgraceful, it is just as common as the other issues yet it is not being tested for. Please believe it isn't just good ol' MI either, this happens in MOST states in this country. Yep, most states DO NOT test for Fragile X unless the parent specifically asks for it. I call a mega-hardcore BULLSHIT on that U.S.A. That is totally idiotic. No other way to put it. Again, the most common genetic cause of disability is not being tested for in a pregnant woman's blood panels. Riddle me this, WHY?! There is no answer. Literally none. I've been asking.

My own OB (whom I adore) who has been an OB/GYN for 20+ years had no clue about this because it is not talked about. She has taken it upon herself to get cozy with my genetic counselor and learn as much as she can and has been SO supportive (she even called us whilst she was on her vacation to check on us) but she still had no idea about this. WHAT?! Medical Industry: I am calling you out son. You and I are going head to head here buddy. You suck. You are not doing your collective job to care for and inform and treat patients. Most people don't find out they're even a carrier until their child/children is/are diagnosed with a full mutation and have Fragile X Syndrome. That is not okay. For once, I want the people in charge (Surgeon General, FDA, all of the agencies/groups/people in charge) to be folks like me who have had some sort of medical issue they have had to fight over and advocate about to make the decisions. I'm sorry unless you've been in hospitals, working with doctors, calling insurance companies, fighting with billing, etc. you don't know what it really means to deal with the industry that is medicine. It is an industry. It is a straight up business which unfortunately does not have the patients interests at heart. So many lovely doctors and nurses and professionals do have our interests at heart but the industry in general does not. I'm frustrated and angry about it.

It is a lot. I know the hormones don't help, I know that there is a little bit of time, I know most everyone who is talking to me supports (and usually loves) me but I also feel torn, sad, angry, happy, excited, and frightened. Anyone who tells me not to has a death wish. I'm crazy hormonal enough that I could snap one day in these next months, it could happen. Don't get me wrong I am still enjoying what I can, laughing when I can, loving when I can and that is pretty often. I am, however, also in turmoil. These thoughts/feelings/fears/risks/issues are on the front burner and not the back and I can't move them back there. I just want to talk to people who really get it and for those who've not been here to think before they speak and to tread lightly. I found the FXS group that is on Facebook that is the National and International go to board, they have helped a lot. I just need someone in real life I think. I might reach out to the support group here in Los Angeles that fragilex.org lists. It's worth a shot. Right now I am very overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and just want to chat with someone who is also here or been here.

Blerg. So that's what is going on here. Crazy train party of one. Well I guess two, poor baby is on the ride as well. We did find out what gender the baby is so I'm trying to set up a photo shoot, calling all Los Angeles photographers who won't kill my pocketbook, wanna shoot our crazy little family with some colored balloons outside? Yay or Nay? C'mon crazy is fun, right? Even I can't fool myself with that one. Oh well.

Hope all is well with you and your dear chickens! :)

Cloudy With a Chance of Cramping

Last week was tough, Saturday I was really angry, Sunday I was exhausted, same with yesterday. Today I had my amniocentesis. I was really nervous going in. Also in the waiting room. Then they brought me back and we did some preliminary ultrasound pictures and measurements. Then the doctor came in for my amnio, we did the local and then my squiggly wiggly child went everywhere he tried to stick the needle. After four times of trying to needle me and failing the doctor took a break so I could relax and so could our little one. After a few he came back in and gave me more local anesthesia and needled me again. This time it worked and we got the fluid. The needle sticks were painful and caused cramping but the removal of the fluid was like being vacuumed on the inside. Immediately after I was cramping and in pain. They told me I will cramp for 1-7 days and probably bruise. The fluid was a clear yellow though so that means baby didn't get needled. I am also supposed to stay off my feet for seven days, they did not forewarn me of this. So now we wait. We wait for 10-14 days to find out about the Fragile X and then up to a month for everything. Joe is supposed to blood work tomorrow. They did more blood work on me today too. Hopefully we find out as much as we can as soon as we can.

Just a lot of pain and cramping today. It'll be worth it for what we find out but boy am I feeling it. We just have to be strong and brave and hope that little one got my good X chromosome. Doctor said looking at the ultrasound that the baby looks great and "normal", so based on pictures and measurements the incubation seems to be going well thus far. We shall see though.

I just wish that Fragile X was talked about more and taught to us, we all learn about so many issues and if this is the number one inherited cause of mental and physical disability then it should be more well known. No one has really heard of this as far as I have discovered. Out of the dozens of folks I have personally talked to (including some in the medical field) and all those on Facebook I've found ONE person who has heard of Fragile X. ONE. Just ONE. 1 in 160 women are carriers like me, 1 in 800 men are carriers. These are NOT high numbers. This should be known to the public. Most states, I've found out, don't even test for this like California does. This is something I think should be MANDATORY. Again, number one cause. Why the hell is this so unknown?! I just can't, it makes me so angry.

 Keep us in your thoughts and hearts. Thanks dear chickens.
 

Cloudy With A Chance of Crazy Alex

I'm a little all over the place. Here's an email I wrote to my pal:

"Yeah, it has been a year of crazy that is for sure. I feel like every time I start to feel like I'm getting my head above water Life pushes me back down. Good thing I'm a strong swimmer. Fucking-Ay it's been a tough damn year. I am pissy and crying and happy and crazed and exhausted at any moment. It all feels like an overwhelming whirlwind and I am just trying to keep swimming. I know it'll all work out the way it's going to and I'll deal it just feels like a ton of shit all at once all the time. Blerg.

In other news google ads keeps posting for plumbers and toilet paper next to this email thread because I've said shit so many times, haha. It's the little things that make me smile. I made Joe dance in our living room with me while I cried to "Hey-ho" by The Lumineers.  I feel like I could drink an entire liter of bourbon and it wouldn't make me feel better, I won't, but I feel like I could. Instead I watched A Goofy Movie, ate strawberry coconut milk ice cream from Trader Joe's, and have been non-stop singing Tevin Campbell's songs from the Goofy Movie soundtrack. I am all over the place today. Whatever.

Sigh. Lots of sighs really. I love our baby no matter what, I just wish it was all easier and everything was going well & healthily & "perfect". Life won't give me a challenge I can make it through though, I am determined. I feel very raw and tender and ferocious right now. That seems like a weird combo but *shrug* what're you gonna do but feel it right?

Love you friend. Loads and loads."


That seems to explain it pretty well for me right now. I am a mess and all over the damn place. One minute I know all will be well no matter what, the next I am crying and scared, the next I am numb. All.over.the.damn.place. So I am just listening to these songs right now, they too are all over the place:

 

Stormy With A Chance of Scared Sobbing

So we've had some scary news. We did a big blood panel at my last ob appointment and ultrasound where we check the neck. I got a call Tuesday about it. It went a little something like this:

Tuesday I got a call from my ob/gyn office saying they got my blood results back from the screening they do through the state to check for Down's syndrome, chromosome 18, & a bunch of other stuff. The receptionist said all was fine. I said great & hooray and went on with my day. Then later that afternoon my actual ob called to talk about my results. I have super low vitamin d so she wants me to take additional vitamins (no big deal), I'm not immune to rubella so I need to be vaccinated later (no big deal), oh and I am a "premutation carrier" for fragile X chromosome which is the most common cause of mental retardation in children. She doesn't know much about it so I need to talk to a genetic counselor, her receptionist will give me the info. So I, of course, set up the appointment for Wednesday and then look up online what that is. It's not great to read lists online of things that can go wrong on anything but this specifically made me worried about our little nugget.

Wednesday I saw the genetic counselor to get more info. It boils down to Fragile X can cause autism and major mental and physical retardation. I have a 50/50 shot of passing this on to our kids. If I do pass it on there is a 5% chance they get the worst case scenarios. Best case is they don't get the gene. Most likely case is they're carriers like I am. Now the delightful part for carriers is that in women you now have a 20% chance of premature ovarian failure, huzzah. This means if Joe and I want to have more genetic kids it needs to be sooner rather than later and we will go through this every time [testing if our child has this, is a carrier, etc.]. We also had to chat with the genetic counselor about whether or not we would terminate a mentally challenged child. These are not delightful conversations to have. They are really, really hard conversations to have. So I'm even more genetically broken, I could genetically break my kids, and then they could genetically break theirs, and so on down the line.  Then I get more blood drawn for more tests and I get an amneo test done next Tuesday to test for even more shit. So now I'm trying not to worry and panic but I am worrying and scared and tired and sad.

Every parent wants life to be amazing for their child with very little struggle. We may have a lifetime ahead for our child of struggle and we don't know yet. We are in limbo waiting. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm worried. I'm struggling. I know the greatest chance is they will be carriers and live great lives but I don't want them to worry or struggle with this if/when they choose to have kids. This is really hard. It's really scary. It's pretty much all I am thinking about. And can I just say when someone tells you something like this and then says "don't worry" I feel you should have every right to laugh or punch them in their faces (or both). Right in their faces laugh at that dumb comment or just straight punch 'em. Ah yes, I won't worry about all these tests or my child or future children because you said not to, good call on that, I would have otherwise. Yes, I understand they are trying to reassure me & keep me from being upset, well I am upset so bite me! I will love this child and fight for this child their whole life no matter what but this is frightening. It's scary. It makes you shelve those lofty dreams for your kids that you sometimes let your imagination run away with and settles you right back into this moment of not knowing what tomorrow holds. This is where I am living right now.

So I ask you to please be a little gentle with me for a bit. Please be kind. Please go out of your way if you can to give me a hug or make me laugh my butt off. I need that. Because right now, I am struggling in this new mama-hood venture. I am waiting. I am scared. I am snuggling my belly extra tight and telling this little navel orange baby that I love them SO much. And I do. I am hoping for some more strength and bravery right now. I am pulling on every last ounce of what I've got to muster up the courage to ride into whatever battle I may need to ride into for this kid. I know I can fight, I know I'm vulnerable in the best ways, I know how fiercely I can love, I just hope it's all enough. Enough for my little one.


  



Edit: I found this resource tonight am reading up more about being a carrier, passing this gene along, and those with a full mutation of Fragile X.

Cloudy With a Chance of Tears

I feel like a crazy woman lately. I am a tornado of emotions. I am up, down, over here, over there, I feel overwhelmed. I have been on the brink of tears all week. Anything sets me off. I have been on the brink of a full blown rage fest. Anything sets me off. I have been on the verge of laughing like a crazy person. Anything sets me off.

I am so angry at my insurance company. The one that sucks. The one that I have had since I was on my own as an adult out of college. 2006-present. I had to cancel you today. So that Joe's insurance would pay for my surgery. I no longer have 2 insurances to "help". By the way, I believed all that crap you're told about insurance being there to help you. I was told you grow up, go to school, get a good job, have insurance for when you're hurt or sick, and insurance take care of you & that what you pay them for. It's not. It's not there to take care of you. In fact most days I am on the phone with them (from both companies) fighting to get the the things I need done covered. MRIs, X-rays, epidurals, anesthesiologists, a surgery, etc. etc. etc. It is a fight. And I have learned most people don't care.

I read this yesterday from a gal I went to junior high & high school with over at Chronic Mom. It really speaks to me because no one does care if you are chronically ill (or in my case in pain). People don't see it. They don't see the struggle so it is easy to disregard, overlook, or forget about. I am not downplaying anyone who is suffering from anything that is life-threatening or diminishing that in any way. Please don't think that dear chickens. What I am saying is that I am hurting too. Constantly. And it doesn't feel like that time you had a pinched nerve or strained a muscle. It is debilitating. It is I am stuck on the floor howling in pain bad. It is no pain med has yet made this disappear for me. It is numbness in my finger tips, toes, and down my leg (a.k.a. nerve damage). And because people don't "see" it unless I am limping or stuck on the floor or crying or swearing my face off most people don't give a crap. And they really don't give a crap about the struggles of talking to insurance providers, talking to doctors all day, talking to nurses, P.A.s, billing departments, surgical coordinators, anesthesiologists, etc. etc. etc. until I want to scream. And you just get to the point where you feel alone in that struggle.

And then I read that blog entry. And I cried. And I read this blog entry and I really cried. And then I read this and this. And then I sobbed. There are other people, women going through very similar struggles right now. And each of us struggling (some of those ladies have WAY more grace than I do about it) and fighting. And some have faith to cling to, others family or friends, and I know I am also clinging to them. And their stories. And their fight. And knowing that they are out there, being honest about how fucking hard this can get, it helps me. It eases the burden and the fight a little. It makes me feel a little bit less alone in this. This does get to feeling very lonely. With friends caught up in their own lives it can feel like they don't get it, want to get it, or even don't care. So for me knowing there are indeed other people who are feeling this way, it makes it not so big, not so lonely, not so scary, no so enraging, not so overwhelming.

I am still a mess. I am still upset at people for being dumb/lazy/complacent. I am still overwhelmed with emotion. It just feels a little less today. An iota less. And if that is all I can get, I will take it.

Oh, I'm approved for surgery by my internist as of today as well. So as it stands today dear chickens I should be bionic by next week. As of this moment, surgery is a go. Let's see what happens next.


 

Stormin' Like Crazy

I'm not going to sugar coat this post dear chickens, this month has been a shit-storm for me. Whilst January felt so full of hope and good things to come February has kicked my ass. HARD. Really, really hard. Everyday this month has felt like "what disaster is going to happen today?" and that is not how I like to live my life. Just to get you in the loop here is what has been going on.

I participated in the Los Angeles 5K Color Run for charity. I was part of the Second City Hollywood team. This was AMAZING. I had a blast. The event was wonderful, the people I walked with were wonderful. I had the most fun. See my last post for some pics of the amazingness. This led me to believe this month would be great.

Then my body felt like total crap after working 2 days of 14 hour shifts, walking 3ish miles and I got super sick. I also had my last day of full time work which means my income ground to a halt. Which when you have a major surgery on the books is SUPER SCARY. My bank account hit negative in checking, in savings, my credit card was overly maxed, and I have a loan I'm paying on PLUS too many payment plans on hospitals/doctors/medical crap to even count. I began to panic. My amazing parents & in-laws helped my husband and I out of a jam. I cried a lot about how grateful I am for them and how awful I felt to even have to ask them to give us money. I told you I am not sugar coating this today. I spent the week in bed trying to sleep as much as possible, rest, and recover.

I got an email that my surgery needed to be moved. My neurosurgeon had to be somewhere on the day we had scheduled so I had to move the surgery. Of course I went into full panic mode. Thankfully we worked it out that it only got moved back a day. That was a HUGE relief. Then my back went out so I heating padded up, burned my back, popped some pain meds, & suffered through.

February 11: Joe & my 7 year anniversary. Also our married for 4 months-aversary. Instead of being amazing and romantic (though I did give Joe the cutest surprise of a book of dates from Datevitation-he loved it!) our little 3 year old Beaglerrier fell off the bed (in an attempt to steal an apple slice from my plate) and hurt his leg. It was instant high pitched yelping, crying, limping, my lifting him into my lap and him crying there whilst I called Joe balling and in a panic that my baby hurt himself. I got an appointment for him in 2 hours time (to avoid the Emergency fee at the vet) & we brought him in for an X-ray & pain meds. Welp, that turned out to be $460 and we still didn't know if anything was broken. So we went home with instructions to not let him do anything on his hurt leg (back right side leg). The next day we got the call that it was a non-displaced fracture in his ankle and he needed a cast. Poor little man was so hurt. We scheduled the appointment for first available (so Valentine's Day morning). So on Valentine's we headed into our vet's for a cast for our man. He got a purple heart on it for being so brave. Needless to say we were heart broken he was hurt and out quite a bit more cash. So anything like a dinner out, etc. went out the window as our bank account went negative again. Joy of all joys week right there. Hurt fur baby and broke. And to be honest (and even though I feel a twinge of guilt saying it) I was jealous of everyone on Facebook posting their flowers, dinners out or in, the chocolates, etc. when Joe and I got to do nothing but stress and cry and sit in our vet's office like wrecks and watch our bank account spiral into negative land. Then Joey wrote me a letter titled "To My Loving Wife" and my heart felt a bit lighter.

I got paid which helped us back into the black in our account so we weren't so scared. Then Colonel Mustard chewed through his cast so we had to go get a replacement. Then we coned him when we went out with a soft flexi-cone. He chewed through that and we got a THIRD cast & a hard-shell cone. Out more money. Then Joe went out of town for the weekend on a chess tournament that he couldn't afford but didn't want to let down the rest of his team. So he packed food, he drove (he got gas money for it) and then got a speeding ticket-which includes a court date and most likely a $300 price tag. I had a dear friend come over and I cooked us dinner (which I made enough of to eat for the rest of the weekend until Joe got back into town because this girl knows how to stretch meals when she is broke let me tell you!). We proceeded to drink a lot of vodka. And damn it I needed it. The next morning I had a brunch date with some pals in my improv conservatory class and then we had our last show together as a group. It was really bittersweet. These people have been in my life for a year now and not only do I love play improvising with them in class but they have become dear friends. We had our last class the next day which was also really bittersweet. A few of us were going to meet up that had been together since the beginning level and say our goodbyes and we ran into a few others from our class. We ended up sharing some margaritas and a few people got quite tipsy. It made for a hilarious last class to take the tinge of the sadness of it. I really love my improv family!

I was feeling like even though we were kind of "in the shit", things were looking a bit better. I was feeling grateful to have these classes and my internship that paid for them (which I had my final day of and was so sad about). Then I found a huge golf-ball sized lump in my throat that hurt to touch and made it hurt to swallow, breathe in deeply through my mouth, and yawning was horrible pain. I made a doctor's appointment for the next day out of panic that this could hold up my surgery. The doctor believed it to be an infection. I was given amoxicillin for it and was awaiting results from a throat culture. This was this past Friday. By Saturday I had an itchy patch behind my knee, by Sunday behind both my knees, on my stomach & rib cage, and my left inner arm. They looked like hives or a rash. I believed it to be an allergic reaction to the meds. Monday I saw the doctor again because I was itching myself to death. He said I was allergic to penicillin. I got steroids, a z pack, and instructions to take claritin & benadryl to help with the histamine in the hives.

I got a call late Monday afternoon from the vascular surgeon's (who is part of my surgery team) office saying I owed a $2500 deposit for my pre-op appointment the next day and that his portion of my surgery costs about $15-20k and since he is out of my insurance network I would owe that. I FULL BLOWN PANICKED. I explained no one had told me about this, that no one told me he was out of network, that I can't afford the $2500 let alone $20,000. I said "what the hell am I supposed to do now, my surgery is next week?" I was told someone would speak to the doctor to "try to help me out" and that they would get back to me. I called my neurosurgeon's surgical coordinator who had set up my surgery and the office was closed at 4:30PM on a Monday for some unknown reason. I emailed her. I spoke to the vascular surgeon's office to confirm my appointment the next day only if I heard back about these billing issues. I started crying and screaming because this month has been so hard. So.fucking.hard. Because my surgery was about to be canceled because I will not go into bankruptcy for a $20k portion of my surgery and have the rest of my next 10 years fucked financially because of this. All this waiting and planning and feeling good was being crushed because no one was giving me full disclosure about MY surgery that involves MY money and MY health and affects the rest of MY life. NO ONE ELSE'S BUT MY LIFE. I called my parents and told them the $600 plane tickets my mom bought to come take care of me post-op because I have no one here other than Joe who is at school 6-8 hours a day can take care of me because they all have lives, jobs, careers, kids, significant others, & I can't ask them to hold my life in their hands because who wants that responsibility? might have to eat the $600 tickets because everything might be off. I called my brothers to talk to someone who gets that being an adult sucks but being an adult who had these major medical issues really sucks. I called friends who couldn't or didn't pick up. I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt emotionally and mentally strained and exhausted. I threw darts as hard as I could and that felt better. If I wasn't on meds I might have drank an entire bottle of whiskey by myself. I went to bed defeated.

I woke up yesterday to start the daily fight again. The fight for me, my health, my financial future, my life. I called the surgical coordinator of my neurosurgeon-Not in until noon. I called the office of the vascular surgeon and spoke to that coordinator. She would "take care of me" I told her that meant nothing, that I needed numbers, figures, an in-network provider. I talked to the vascular surgeon's billing department, I said the same things. I called for my neurosurgeon's coordinator again and left her a voicemail. I talked to the vascular surgeon's coordinator again she said "it didn't look good" as my deductibles haven't been met. I called the neurosurgeon's office and asked for my neurosurgeon, amazingly the coordinator was there a whole 3 hours before she was supposed to arrive at noon-SHOCKER-DO NOT AVOID MY CALLS-THIS IS MY LIFE. I went between these three offices from 8:30-2:30 on the phone and then in person I met with the vascular surgeon himself at 1:30pm. We worked out a payment plan for this $2500 deposit he requires as an out of network provider. He said that if the insurance approved my surgery that means he was approved as well and that I am only responsible for this deposit which will most likely be applied towards my deductible being met. I said "why isn't what you just said what your people said to me instead of sending me into a giant panic about everything being canceled?". He laughed. I didn't find it funny. So everything seemed to be fine. Joe and I had vegan pizza from Cruzer Pizza to celebrate that the surgery was still on and that I am going to probably have a stress induced heart attack at any moment.

Today we woke up, got Colonel his 4th new cast (he has to have them replaced weekly and we finally made it a whole week!). The vet tech said he was chafing which means less activity for him and to come in earlier than a week if certain signs show up. More money, more stress. I came home and exhausted went to bed again until this afternoon. I woke up and called the neurosurgeon's billing office. Apparently there are more problems for me when it comes to billing. I am insured through an insurance I pay myself who shall remain nameless but was amazing in the Midwest and SUCKS ASS out here in California. They won't pay for anything with this surgery because it isn't "necessary" in their eyes as I could live in pain on medication for the rest of my life and just have nerve damage and that isn't a big deal because IT ISN'T THEM. So Joe and I pushed our wedding up and I got on his amazing (though expensive) insurance that keeps auto-debiting our account and fucking us over money wise and giving us the run around on that but we suck it up because they have a 90-10 policy for me and that is a miracle even though my deductible is WAY too high I need them to cover this surgery to get my life back for the love of everything ever. Now I am being told having both these insurances, which in normal cases is a good thing as then you pay less because TWO insurance companies are paying your bills, is BAD in my case because my insurance won't cover and Joe's would then be my secondary meaning I would owe a lot of money I don't have so I can get this surgery. The suggestion was I drop my insurance. I asked for dollars and cents numbers to make that decision. The billing expert couldn't give that to me and had transposed my two deductibles. I had to give her the correct info and she needed the night and tomorrow morning to get back to me with figures so I can make a fully informed decision of should I drop my one insurance and get the surgery or cancel the surgery and try to find in-network surgeons who are qualified and can perform this for me quickly so I don't keep suffering. Then she kept trying to tell me she understood why I might be confused, I explained I wasn't and that I am just pissed off and frustrated that I am not being given full disclosure and complete information to make decisions that involve my health, my money, and my future. She didn't respond. I also said I was extremely aggravated to be dealing with this all DAYS before the surgery is supposed to happen rather than back when this fucking things was JUST STARTING TO BE SCHEDULED. She'll get back to me tomorrow.

I am going to write in caps for a minute here: DEAR ASSHOLES OF THE HEALTH INDUSTRY (that's right health care is a business and NOT actually about patient health, know that before you ever get sick or injured, it'll save you being disheartened often), GET YOUR SUPPORT STAFF'S SHIT TOGETHER. THEY NEED TO GIVE PATIENTS FULL DISCLOSURE AND DISCUSS ALL OPTIONS WITH THEM AT THE BEGINNING OF SCHEDULING PROCESSES NOT AT THE END. THEY ALSO NEED TO BE PEOPLE OF SOME INTELLIGENCE WHO THOROUGHLY UNDERSTAND THEIR JOBS AND CAN PERFORM THE DUTIES OF THESE JOBS. IF THEY CANNOT THEY SHOULD NOT BE IN THAT POSITION. IF THE PATIENT KNOWS MORE THAN THEY DO ABOUT THINGS THAT FALL INTO THEIR CATEGORY OF JOB DESCRIPTION PERHAPS THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE LET GO. AND NEVER, EVER TELL A PATIENT HOW THEY ARE FEELING, IT ANGERS THEM AND BELITTLES THEM. STOP HIRING AND EMPLOYING PEOPLE WHO ARE UNABLE OR ARE UNWILLING TO DO THEIR JOB PROPERLY BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU LOOK BAD AS DOCTORS. End rant.

But seriously, figure it the hell out. This stuff is life changing and fucking scary to the people in it. And I am more informed than most as I have been dealing with this for almost a decade. I am usually pretty understanding and willing to walk people through their own damn jobs just so I know I am taken care of. Because the only person who advocates for you in the health care business is YOU. No one else gives a shit about anything other than money. Sorry, that is the truth as I have learned it these past 9 years. But I will not and am not able to be patient with anyone who is doing what these people are doing to me with only LESS THAN A WEEK to go until my surgery. I am done. I am so fucking done I cannot even explain. I need loads of whiskey and vodka and beer and anything with alcohol right now but I am on meds and will not drink. So I am left feeling desperate, frustrated, angry, annoyed, pissed the hell off, hopeless, helpless, and exhausted! I just want to be done with doctors, their support staffs, and insurance for forever. I will have my babies at home by myself just to avoid all this headache. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take another fuck up regarding my health, welfare, finances, and future life due to someone else's idiocy, confusion, laziness, not caring, or disregard. I AM DONE! And yet I know I am not because I don't know how to not fight. How to not come out swinging, to not scratch/bite/kick/scream until I am taken care of. I will Tom Petty the shit of this situation ("I Won't Back Down") and every other one because I will not accept that answer. THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH.

So here I am. Feeling downtrodden, broken physically/emotionally/mentally, wanting to cry/scream/rage/wail, and all I can do is be here in this. Do you know what it feels like to sit in this kind of feeling? If you do, please, I need help. If you don't, no offense, don't offer anything other than I love yous because I can't take it. I am sorry but I just can't. The fighter in me is tired. The fighter wants a break and the poor girl just won't get it. And that fighter cannot take any of your advice if you don't get this. So I have to politely ask you to shut up. If you haven't been here, please just say I love you and then stop talking. I have been clinging to Momastery just to feel like other people out there get it. This is too hard sometimes. This thing called life. But I will keep on keeping on and keep on fighting/raging/kicking/screaming/wailing because I don't know how to stop. But for now I need a rest, I could really and truly use it.

Take care dear chickens, please take care. Here are some pics of my little buddy being brave in his casts.

Partly Cloudy...

Dearest friends,

 Where to start? So much has happened and is happening. I'll try to get it all in. First an apology for the long break. I really wanted to take time to enjoy the holidays in MI since I won't be back there until October when we do our big wedding shindig. I am sorry. And I know I've been lacking in the blogging department but I think we'll be cosy-ing up pretty regularly starting soon.

These posts are going to be split up a bit so you don't have to read a novel in one sitting. So to begin: Holidays with the Families.

We drove from L.A. to Oklahoma City and crashed a night, then drove OKC to Michigan to spend time with Joe's family. We got in really late and crashed on a full bed. Joe & I are 6'3" & 5'11 3/4" respectively and with a 30lb. beaglerrier and 14lb. terreagle it was a full bed for sure! :) We woke up and hung with his folks and siblings. Mostly just hanging out that day, we did open a joint bank account (which is WEIRD!). We had a big event in my hometown the next day so we decided since there was a snow storm coming to drive up that night before it hit.

The big event was my sister S. being induced to have her baby. We drove up to be there all day with her. Things went great from when they induced her at 9:30AM until about 10PM. Then hard contractions started happening and she was fully effaced & dilated almost to 10. The baby's heart rate dropped and they kicked us all out of the room. My parents, my sister G., Joe, and I all held our collective breaths. The doctor ran in with a "I'm going to have to have a heart to heart with this child" and we waited. A few minutes later everyone emerged saying the baby was fine & that she just needed to switch positions. My sister S. was crying hard, a few minutes ago she had been laughing and loving her epidural and talking about "everything is awesome, these drugs are awesome". She was scared for her baby boy. We tried to soothe her but how can you in moments like these? Then another rush of nurses as the baby's heart rate dropped again. Out to the hallway we march and hold our breaths once again. Then "Code Pink" was called and every nurse on that floor came out of the woodwork while blue lights flashed, the doctor was running to the room, a woman yelling about release forms came, we got pushed to a different area of the hallway, they rushed my sister and her husband past us, my sister S. was sobbing & her husband looked frightened, my parents and other sister G. broke down, someone tried to tell us to go to the waiting room as we planted outside the emergency surgery door, my Pops told them to get lost, we moved back from the doors and waited for answers. Someone came to us in the hallway and said that they were doing an emergency C-section and that all should be fine, when the doors opened I saw my sister's husband putting scrubs on over his clothes, he wasn't even in there with her.

We waited more. "My little sister might die, her baby might die" was all that was screaming through my head. My parents were crying, my little sister G. had disappeared to calm down and had reappeared, Joe looked panicked, I made a bargain with myself: "you need to hold it together until you see her, you can cry when you see her, DO NOT CRY UNTIL YOU SEE HER!". I don't believe in God, so I didn't pray. What I did was get very quiet, I took deep breaths, I squeezed my husband's hand, I told my parents not to panic and fear until we heard answers, I held my sister G.'s hand, I called out with every molecule in my body to the universe to make me strong enough to bear what came next and I asked projected out that my sister and her baby would be fine. I kept repeating that: "my sister and her baby will be fine and healthy, my sister an her baby will be fine and healthy, my sister and her baby will be fine and healthy, mysisterandherbabywillbefineandhealthy, my. sister. and. her. baby. will. be fine. and. healthy." over and over and over. I sneaked into the bathroom near the emergency surgery door and called my brothers who weren't there and told them or left voicemails telling them what was going on. I started to shake and could feel tears rising, I stuffed them back down reminding myself of my bargain not to cry until I saw her. I left the bathroom and rejoined my family.

We waited. It seemed like hours. A man came out with a name tag that said paternal care, his last name was pastor,  he walked to us. I felt a lump in my throat rise. I felt strangled. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't swallow. I braced myself. In the most monotone voice, with no expression on his face he said "Did you hear?", my mother started sobbing, we all leaned in frightened to this man whose badge read care and pastor, my father said "No.", the man said "Oh. They're fine, I'm so sorry, they're fine, I didn't mean to scare you". I thought my Pops was going to kill this man. Everyone breathed out. My parents hugged, my folks & sister started crying again, I hugged Joe, I said "thank you! THANK YOU!" to the universe/to god/buddah/allah/yaweh/ganesha/zeus/whoever! THANK YOU. We thanked the man and made it clear he should get fucking lost. We were all breathing again. We waited for the doctor to come out.

 After many moments more the doctor came out, he said mama was fine & baby were fine. Our little baby was 22.5" long and 9.97lbs. He was a big boy and he was fine. Doc said they don't know what happened, everything looked good in the placenta and cord, the cord was a little short but on paper this should have been a perfect birth. My Pops hugged this man who saved his daughter and his first grandchild. We all did. The doctor asked us to go wait in the waiting room because my sister and her husband would be in the recovery room for a few hours. We walked towards it, relieved. I made more calls to let my brothers know that S. and baby were okay. We all sat feeling like lead.

I am trying really hard to remember not to judge people too harshly but I will say in these moments following I was exhausted and raw and still scared as we didn't know what would happen next and if something could go wrong still I judged these people in the waiting room with us. I thought they were the most obnoxious family. I thought they were loud, and trashy, and smelled bad, and fat, and horrible. They were talking about hating how long recovery took, about shopping at Walmart, about who they had slept with, baby mamas and baby daddies, about drinking too much and every subject you don't want to hear after fearing someone in your family might die. I wanted to scream "SHUT UP!" I wanted to take everything that I was feeling out on these people. I sat silent and felt rage build up. I texted back and forth with my sister G. about wanting to punch one of them. The matriarch of this family asked us if we were waiting for someone in recovery. I snapped that "my sister just had an emergency C-section and could have died so we're a little raw (inner monologue: and leave us alone thank you very much!)". The woman asked if we knew if they were out and ok, I said we heard they were in recovery we were just still a little nervous. She asked about the baby, I told her his stats in length and weight. She went on about how he was a big boy, he was from God, what an angel. I wanted to scream at this woman and hit her and rage towards her. I didn't. I sat silent. In this moment I judged her through eyes of anger and fear. Now I look back and think how wonderful that she tried to reach out, that she tried to connect, that she was being really human towards us. I've been in therapy for a few years now and this is something I should have applauded from her. She might have been scared too, she might have been reaching out to me so I would reach out to her. I didn't. I'm sorry to this woman for that. I am sorry for judging. I was scared. I shouldn't have judged in that moment and I did. I couldn't help it right then and I didn't recognize what I've learned through therapy about trying to connect to others through emotion because we're all human damn it, I just didn't. I'm sorry.

This family left after about an hour, they got to meet the new little in their life. It felt like a huge relief to us to have quiet, to have space. My sister S.'s step daughter and her grandmother showed up. We updated them on everything. We all waited. We drank coffee or pop to wake up a bit. My Pops fell asleep for a bit from the exhaustion of this all. My sister's husband came out, he told us how he never even made it into the surgery room before they got the baby out, how he is perfect, how my sister was out of it from the drugs and surgery and now pain relief drugs, we gave him a camera and asked him to bring us a picture of the baby, he left to snap some. We waited and started to chat a little. He came back with pictures of my perfect nephew, my Mustache Man, my little buddy baby, my Stasz (it's Polish for Stanley). He left to take care of my sister. We passed around the camera a million times to soak that baby in. Around 3AM they wheeled my sister to us on the way to her new room. We saw her and the baby for the first time. A huge rush over took me. They were safe, I could see for myself they were safe.

We rode the elevators to the room on the new floor. We rushed to hug her, to scoop that baby into our arms, there were so many tears of relief and joy and exhaustion, there were so many pictures taken and kisses and hugs given, so many flashes of the cameras, so many texts of pictures to my brothers not in that room, we sang happy birthday to our little man who wasn't ready to come out and fought to stay in. He was born 12/21/12. He is perfect and everyone was safe, everyone was fine, and everyone was healthy.

We went to my parents' home and crashed. We had been in MI for 2 days and all this had already happened. "What's next?" was all I could think as I cried in Joe's arms in that bed. I finally let it out and cried. I went to sleep after the stress of it all hit and I cried and it knocked me out for a few hours. I think I needed it.


More to come my dear chickens, more to come.

My LEAST favorite Halloween ever.

This is a rated R posting, please be aware it involves a description of an assault and a shooting.

 So here is the deal, this Halloween has been horrible. I am about to describe the horrifying incidents I have had the displeasure to be apart of this holiday season. And I don't mean horrible and horrifying in the spooky fun Halloween I mean horrible & horrifying in the very bad situation way.

This past Saturday I was subbing as a House Manager for the night. We had a great night and closed up shop. I then had to wait on Hollywood Blvd. for my husband to come pick me up (he was in a show and I needed to wait 45 minutes for him). It was Halloween party weekend. Loads of very scantily clad girls (i.e. girls in literally [and I am using this word very correctly] underwear and fish nets with either a bra or a corset or pasties) and drunk guys in either creepy masks, no costumes, or a something not remotely creative "costume". Whilst waiting I saw a drunk man grabbing at a gal in underwear, fish nets, and a corset. Grabbing her butt, her breasts, kissing on her face & neck. She kept pushing him away playfully. He did the same to a friend in her group who shoved him quite hard and told him to get the fuck off of her. He then went back to the original girl, picked her up & wrapped her legs around his waist, rubbed and pinched her butt, then ripped open her fish nets and shoved is hands into the the leg area of her underwear, he then began to shove his hands into her butthole and [I believe] vagina. She began flailing and yelling at the man. He kept putting his fingers in and out of her butt until she wriggled off of him, pushed him, shouted, and walked briskly into a restaurant. He began to say to his friends how he wanted to "get some more of that sweetness" and "wanted a taste". This man assaulted this girl. I have no idea if she knew him or not. Her playful shoving seemed to indicate so but I have no idea of knowing. I just know I witnessed an assault and I was NOT OKAY with it. I yelled. I wanted to kick the crap out of him. I feel traumatized by it, I hope she was okay and reported it. I want that man to be punished. SEVERELY. And I am angry that I didn't do something more. That I felt scared and didn't do something. That NO ONE did something. It was not okay.

Then I was working a  House Manager again last night at Second City. We were seating for our 10PM show. We heard *POP POP POP* at about 10ish. Then there was a massive panic on Hollywood Blvd. People ran up our stairs hysterically screaming and crying. Our Stage Manager yelled everyone on the floor and away from the windows, someone is shooting! We (the staff & interns) got everyone into the hallways & back rooms, turned off the lights, and began to try to quiet the hysterical teenagers from the street down. We also tried to clear the stairwell where people were like fish in a barrel if the shooter came by. We called 911, we quieted those who were panicking and screaming, we held the doors closed against a possible shooter heading our way, we held our breaths and hoped we wouldn't have to be brave. We had people choose to leave the theatre out towards the chaos after we warned not to. We saw a young boy sitting across the street with his foot shot writhing about. The news said he was 14. We also saw a young man put into an ambulance (17 shot in the chest in critical condition). We found out a 25 year old was shot in the butt. I was in the store it happened in/in front of just an hour or so prior. I sincerely hope everyone involved ends up okay and I hope that the man shot wasn't one of the store clerks that I talk to all the time. We had one of interns need to lock herself in the bathroom downstairs in the box office until the chaos calmed down. We also locked down the theatre when we were able. We turned away some shady people who tried to get in at the tail end of the big panic. We then let people leave through our back door only in groups. The shooter/s was/were not apprehended. Needless to say the street was closed down, things were crazy, we all felt lucky as hell to get out of there okay, and when I got home at 12:15ish AM I was so glad to get into a hot shower, my pjs, and my bed with my pups and husband. I was scared and angry and shocked and proud I did do something. That I kept cool on the outside despite my internal panic button screaming in my ears. That I stood up and was brave and helped keep people safe. It was not okay though.

This holiday & these two incidents has made me dislike Halloween quite a bit. A holiday I used to love [since I got to play dress-up and watch spooky movies and hang up fun decorations for] has become a day/night/weekend where people hide behind masks and alcohol and do TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, AWFUL things to other people. No one wanted these things to happen. No one asked for or deserved these things to happen. And whilst Hollywood Blvd. has its everyday "characters" to be aware of, none of this is normal or okay. None of this will ever be okay. I am angry and scared and quite a bit scarred. I am glad it is all over and I walked away mostly okay. But I have to say I am exceedingly sad that my childhood is completely stripped from this holiday. It has become too much about horrific events like this. I am now spending my Halloweens at home safe with my family watching scary movies. I want the scary things I see to be on my television in a made up film NOT on the street in front of me.

 

Hello...

Right, where to begin? There's no way to really start other than to start. This will be all over the place and for this I am sorry, but not really.

 My little sister got married & is pregnant with a boy. She was beautiful and perfect. We didn't fight once. My brother's got into a fist fight. Feelings got hurt. Things at that wedding were wonderful, beautiful, crazy, brutal. As Glennon from Momastery puts it, it was brutiful. There was never a more perfect bride. Even when she was a cranky running late mess, she was lovely. And I love her & I am so glad I was there. My little sister is married and pregnant with a boy. That is crazy to say. I am going to be an Aunt. Aunt Alex. Or more likely he will call me Ollie like all little kiddos do & I am a-okay with that. I already love little "Moustache"!

 Let's see what else... Things have been a bit of a struggle as of late. My back is out. O-U-T. For about 2 months plus now. So bad so we are doing epidural injections. And pain meds. And planning a surgery. A big ol' scary replace 2 discs and fuse another surgery. My insurance sucks & won't cover ANYTHING. The insurance I pay for to help me in times like this WILL NOT COVER ME FOR ANY TYPE OF SURGERY--THAT is RIDICULOUS. So here is the thing. My fiance, who is perfect in his imperfection, whom I love more than anything ever forever, has amazing insurance. That will cover EVERYTHING. We are moving the wedding up. I am calling it my "Surgery-Not-Pregnancy-Shotgun-Wedding". My silly silly life.

Let me try to explain this from the inside. It's hard to describe. I am going to try though. Please bear and bare with me. How do I say this? I hate my body. Not in a self conscious way. Believe me I have issues like every other woman, but right now I am in an epic battle, thus the hatred. Please excuse the dramatics but to me this is epic. The best way I know how to describe it is my brain is Batman, fighting the "good fight", struggling to be strong, to keep positive, to be practical and plan ahead, to think 10 steps in front of its nemesis. And that nemesis, the Joker if you will, is my body, well to be specific my discs in my spinal cord. The evil that stops the function of my body, that's the evil plan-to immobilize me and keep me in constant pain. Oh my Batman brain has fought back, believe me when I say my pain tolerance is ridiculous. My normal every day pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 6-7, my 10=a normal person's 40; now you do the math. I'm frustrated! I am tired of the fight! I am tired of the pain! And I am pissed! Hell hath no fury like a Red-headed woman scorned by her own body. Again, you cry dramatics I'm sure. But I do beseech you to understand my purposes aright, now that's dramatics people-Shakespeare. Constant pain is, well, constantly wearing away at me. I am physically exhausted from it. I am mentally exhausted from trying to fight it. I am emotionally exhausted of the fear it drives into me, the anger it induces, the depression it allows to creep in at the seams, the self-pity that leads to the loathing that leads to the bitterness that leads to the anger all over again. Do you see why it is dramatic for me? I want to be honest and say that right now I am a huge jerkwad to people who don't deserve it. People who are supporting me through the goodness of their hearts and (I think) because they love or at least care about me. But when someone is super peppy "it'll all be okay or I'll pray/hope/wish for you to better", I want to scream "take that and shove it". It's horrible, I know it is. And on one side I feel horrible for feeling that and on the other I'm not sorry because those words don't help me. They don't make me physically better. They don't make it hurt less. They don't do anything but hang in the air above my head and twist into "I pity you because you're in pain but thank god it's not me". Then I'm angry at myself because that's all in my head being projected onto that poor person. And everyone who has "tweaked their back" or "hurt it once" or even strained a muscle thinks they understand what I am talking about. And they don't. Let me try to explain. This is not muscle thing. This isn't even a pinched nerve. This is a degenerative disease, degenerative disc disease to be specific. Think of it like MS, there is nothing that can be done to stop this. Nothing. Sit with that for minute... This is where my brain lives all the time. I cannot do anything to stop this, I can only treat the symptoms and the destruction it is doing one problem at a time. My story of this shit started 7 years ago when I was 20, 20 flipping years old. 20! That pisses me off alone. I did physical therapy off a misdiagnosis. I thought I was better. It kept hurting on and off. 4 years ago, it goes out in a big way. Right diagnosis, treatments, been in Physical Therapy/Pilates 2-4 times a week since then. Saw a personal trainer to lose weight. Saw chiropractors (no adjustments though-that is BAD for me). See an amazing Acupuncturist. Now doing epidurals. Nothing stops the pain. And so now we HAVE to, as in MUST, do surgery. Surgery that goes through the front of my body, through my intestines, surgery that requires 2 surgeons to complete it. A neurosurgeon and a vascular surgeon. I have seen the 2 best neurosurgeons in LA. They say they can help me & we should get moving. Then the bomb-no your insurance WILL NOT COVER ANYTHING. NOTHING. Oh and the 2 replacement discs alone cost $9-10,000 EACH. Not including anything else. Just the discs. Imagine where my brain is now. Drowning in thoughts. So many thoughts. And drowning in pain receptors. So many painful nerve blasts to this ol' Batman brain of mine.

And then-that fantastic ol' fiance of mine, my MoneyPenny, says "well screw it, my insurance covers it, let's get hitched right now". Don't you just love this guy? Me too. Now we are bummed we won't get to do it the way we wanted but he has helped me decide to put me first and take care of me. Despite the fact that I want my Pops to walk me down a beautiful outdoor aisle on our anniversary date of February 12. Despite the fact that I want a pretty dress and hair do. Despite the fact that I wanted my whole family and my super supportive friends to be there. We are putting my physical health before our dreams of "our wedding". We are taking care of me. And I want to kiss this man forever for it. And I'm also a little sad about it. And now we're getting a marriage license application, and calling our family to see if they can be here, and friends on Facebook are offering to help us at least have a lovely little courthouse wedding shindig. I cry all the time now. From pain, from brutal horrible pain. And because I am so fucking lucky. So lucky to have found people along the way who love me so damn much. I am so not worthy of all their love and also I am. And I love everyone so much it hurts. They are so beautiful to me. And Joe is their leader of amazingness. And this is where my head and heart live. And everything is so hard and scary and silly and trivial and so big it feels like it's swallowing me up. I really cannot describe it all, just know that I am a mess. Constantly. Totally. Undeniably. And I am grateful for the space people are giving me to be this walking mess of a human being. And I am angry and in fight with my body, the dick. And I just love everyone and am planning the rest of this year like crazy. And really planning these next few weeks where I am getting married! WHAT?! Oh lord. I am getting married, getting new insurance, becoming an Aunt, getting my spinal chord ripped up and fixed up, and I am emotionally falling apart and putting it together all in the next 4 months whilst trying to physically recover from a major crazy expensive surgery on the part of my body that makes all other parts of my body work.

Oh and I bought a laptop. What is wrong with me? I am ridiculous. And a mess. And that's where I am at right now. So flipping scared, stressed, angry, in pain, loved, and supported, and truly lucky. Welcome back to my head y'all. I missed you little blog & friends. I am sure we will get all snuggly with each other once again since I will have more time than ever in bed with my new Macbook. So get comfy. It's about to get all sorts of messy and honest up in here. We're broke, we're getting hitched in all the wrong and right ways, I'm getting surgery, it's gonna be wild. I'm not prepared. Please help. And I'll continue to marvel at this. And continue to be scared and messy. And ever so grateful for all the love I have in my life.

Thank you chickens, my dear chickens.

 

Rainy With a Chance of Self-Butt-Kicking

Okay, I have been way busy but I've also been way easy on letting myself make excuses for not "having the time" to do something and that needs to stop. In particular with regards to this blog, my acting career, and exercise. I need to kick my own butt into gear. But I also want to be honest about it all so here goes.

I am super duper busy. Crazy busy. I am working 40 hours a week, going to Improv class Monday nights, Interning Wednesday nights, Stage Managing a play Friday & Saturday nights as well as Sunday early afternoon, actor group meeting every other week, swimming 1-4 a week, etc. That's a lot, so sometimes I let myself take the easy way outta doing stuff and I need to stop!

This blog. I love it, I do. And I want to pour more time into it but at the end of the day when I'm tired I just don't. Instead I go lay in bed watch something on Netflix instant and fall asleep. I need to give myself 30 minutes to this blog a day. MINIMUM. No excuses. I love the weekly schedule. I might even jazz it up a little because I had SO much fun doing recipes during vegan MoFo in October I want a day for vegan foods! This is a must in my schedule and I need to treat it as such!

My acting career. I have joined an actor group to help me hold me accountable for my goals (setting them accomplishing them). I think this will help a lot but I need to make sure that I am doing something every day to get out of this "pay the bills" job and into my acting CAREER. Notice the difference. One is a job, the other a career. I need to make it the most important thing and I haven't been because well I've been too stressed about finances. Instead of putting my dream first I've been putting money first. And while, yes, I need money to survive and to pay for the apartment, car, insurances, food, etc. I need to be giving my career weight too. And I haven't been. So no more of that my lord, no more of that!

Exercise. I hate it. Well not really. I love having done it. And most times even during the process I enjoy myself. But I loathe going to exercise. It is like pulling teeth to get me to the pool or the gym or the pilates studio. It really is. If I'm tired I rationalize that sleep is better than working out. If I'm not feeling well then I should just lay down & sleep instead of working out. Basically it all comes down to sleep or exercise and I ALWAYS choose sleep. I thought I helped myself out a little by joining a Master Swimmers team and paying for it and then a friend joined and we were swimming together. But some days our schedules don't match and this week things came up and I had 2 scheduled swim times with her and didn't swim either! I need to stop with this, my health NEEDS to be important to me. I have an f-ed up back that needs attention, I have weight that I want to lose to help with that, I have family history of diabetes and high blood pressure. I do not want to allow myself to make excuses for not working out. So hopefully by saying this out loud (well out loud on this blog) I am helping kick my own butt into gear on this. I am also planning to schedule swim times & find a buddy to be accountable to on the East Coast so they can call my ass and wake me up (7am here is 10am there so it'll be easy on them time wise since they will already be up). I need to make this happen. I no longer want to allow myself to be physically lazy. I think I want to have Joe, Colonel Mustard and I go hiking too on the weekends so all 3 of us can get outdoors and work out together which will make it more fun than a chore.


So my dear chickens I am sorry that there was no CM Monday or TCM Tuesday post. But this is a Good for MY world Wednesday post. Perhaps these goal setting adventures of mine will help you set some G.F.Your.W goals as well. :D

Sunny With a Chance of STRESS!!!!

So it is all sunshine here weather wise but I must confess I am STRESSED out right now. Money. We don't really like talk about it as people do we? It's kind of personal and really touchy. Well let me confess I am broke right now. Like uber broke. Eating beans & lentils cuz they're cheap-broke. Now I know we've all been there-I know I will get through it but it is just so damn tough right now & work is crazy stressful. My co-worker is leaving & there is a lot that needs to be done in our office (thus 2 people doing it) and I just feel like I cannot get it done by myself. So I am stressing about all the money & work stuff and still trying to audition & have a life and it is all just a lot on my plate as of right now.

But Alex it's supposed to be Fabulous Things Friday! Well here is what is making me feel a bit more light-hearted about all this stress:

Tighten Up by The Black Keys

Next Girl by The Black Keys

Howlin' For You by The Black Keys

Carnival Town by Norah Jones

F**k You by Cee Lo Green

No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses

Level by The Raconteurs

Old Enough by The Raconteurs feat. Ricky Skaggs and Ashley Monroe

My Doorbell by The White Stripes

Conquest by The White Stripes

SNL Short: D**k In a Box

SNL Short: Motherlover

SNL Short: 3-Way (The Golden Rule)

Also season 4 of Dexter and Season 6 of Sex & the City. Basically anything that is amazing music or amazing tv = FABULOUS THINGS!!! :D

So take care chickens & try to de-stress too! ;) Have a great weekend!

Stormy With A Chance of Super Sick...

Friends!!! Do not hate me for my lack of blogging-I needed a break from life but instead just took a break from my blog. I am super sick right now (thus the time to blog a little) & I have decided a few things:

1) I have been WAY too stressed out this year about my lack of funds from the wrecked car, to owing oodles in taxes, to the things I need to buy for the weddings I am in, my co-worker moving and me getting stuck with everything at work-it's all just been taking over my life. I'm so focused on how to scrimp & save & worrying about everything that I think my body caught the plague from stress and now I have nothing to show but a huge stress ball in my neck & shoulders and being out sick for 3 days.

2) The stress I have been collecting has been pulling me away from the things & people I love. The focus I have been giving all the things that stress me out are really making me lose sight of what keeps me sane and that HAS to stop! I need to remember what it's all about and I let myself get too wrapped up in the bed & lose sight of the good.

3) This blog allows me to have somewhere to focus on the things I love & thus I should do just that. As often as possible too. And so, without further ado...my plans for this blog!

-Colonel Mustard Mondays: where the little man and I talk all about his adventures for the past week. Photos should be necessary. He's too cute not to snap a few pics of right? I love my little guy so much & this is a great way to talk about him, dogs in general, and how he is part of our family!

-TCM Tuesdays: Turner Classic Movies is what really fueled my love and now extreme knowledge of classic films (I will take over your job Robert Osbourn, I will!!). So on Tuesdays I'll talk about one or two films that I have watched or that I love so that you too can expand your knowledge on the classics. After all, without the classics we wouldn't have film today (even if a lot of today's film is crap).

-Good for the World Wednesdays: Where I can share my love of living as green as possible. This includes my life as a vegan with some great recipes I have found or that my honey & I have made up to cure our munchies. It's been 3 years since I went green and 1 year since I went vegan and I am not looking back. These have been 2 of the most beneficial decisions I've made and now I can share some of my favorite things with you about it so maybe you can green up your life a little too! :)

-Theatre Thursdays: so here I am hoping to have a new audition or acting something to share with you all every week. This way I can keep myself motivated to be on it in this city of every other person is an actor and share some of the hilarity I experience here in La-La Land with you all. It should be fun for you & beneficial for me.

-Fabulous Things Friday: where I can discuss all the latest things I am obsessing about or want to try or whatever has been truly fabulous that week that I MUST share with you all!

This will leave my weekends open to fill up with more material for the week & give me 2 days of rest. I will try to be utterly faithful to this schedule. I am sure that there will be a few missed entries but I am hoping to stick true and create a more interesting way for you all to stay in touch with the crazy that is my life in LA with my pup & my bf (and be a beneficial & motivating experience for me)! So let's hope that this is all up to snuff & you all love it too!!! Stay tuned for the first entry tomorrow on Fabulous Things Friday! :D

x's & o's dear chickens!