Deleted but Re-blogged Just for Yous Guys!

 Let's start with the fact that I already posted and managed to delete it because I suck. I really don't like this new look of blogger, grrr! Maybe it's time for me to get web savvy and just start my own web page for this blog. Oh and my new one. I have a new blog. It's to help me frame out my idea for my series of movies or books or tv episodes that are all about my adventures in surviving being a bridesmaid. The good, bad, and the super ugly side of it all. I have seen it people, all of it. Weddings are scary sometimes.

Speaking of-my shotgun wedding is in full swing baby! Less than one month away-AHHHHHH!!!! So weird. It's feeling real now though because Joey and I are getting rings! Let me explain why this is a HUGE deal for us: we couldn't afford to even get me an engagement ring back in December, nor should we probably be getting these with my impending surgery coming up, but damn it-this gal wants him to put a ring on it! We are getting me a custom designed Claddagh wedding ring from Brilliant Earth, there will be a heart shaped diamond in the center as the heart (representing love) of the ring, a platinum band for the hands (representing friendship), and 3 blue sapphires in the platinum crown (representing loyalty), doesn't it sound like the bee's knees?! Joey wants this band for his ring. He's all nervous it will feel weird and that he'll fiddle with it a lot, which I think is adorable. We've booked the restaurant for our dinner after, I'm working on the photographers, we'll have the aforementioned rings, I have my dress, shoes, veil, Joe needs a suit still, we have the bouquet and boutonniere being shipped (hint it's not made of flowers!), and my folks are booking their flight to LA. It's shaping up pretty well here. And even though this is just our "paper work so I can have surgery" wedding and even though we're having the big to-do (complete with wedding gown, real vows exchanged, and a big rowdy brawl of a party), this feels real now. This feels like I'm about to marry the most amazing person. I am flipping excited people!

I am not excited though about how much all of this and my back bills are rapidly depleting my already very low bank account. I mean I live pay check to pay check here so this is putting a cramp on the $300 I had saved and the extra $500 limit bump I begged for on my Visa (Oh yeah my limit is now $3500!). Times are tough! It's all worth it though if this time next year I can dance around at my big to-do and really enjoy myself! :D

I just really want to be healthy NOW, not in a couple months but right flipping NOW. Can the surgery just be done and I be recovered already? I want to be able to walk normally (aka fast-I have long legs I want to use them), I want to be able to start swimming again, I want to work out and not have pain and really lose all the weight I was shooting for, I want to be able to lift a bag over 2 pounds and not need help. These are pretty basic things and I don't want to wait anymore. It's been seven years, I am ready now! This is where my impatience is really starting to make this impossible for me to chill out. I am trying to be patient, I really am but my brain keeps screaming now, Now, NOW. Don't get me wrong, I am scared as hell about this surgery. I will be sliced open from above my belly button in a diagonal to just above where my uterus is. My intestines have to be moved, major vascular things need to be moved, my discs have to be sliced out on 3 levels, 2 metal artificial discs need to be slipped in and the third area needs to be fused together with metal. Believe me I am scared; I still want it all done now. I want to skip through these next few to six moths to healthy and start living it up. I want to think about anything other than all this back crap. Blerg.

I know I am running on, just so much! Good and stressful. Oh and sad-I finished Buffy and almost done with Angel on Netflix. Now what?! What do I watch now? I am almost done with Cheers and Jem & the Holograms as well. I still have She-ra but what else?! I need suggestions. I have no cable so it's all Netflix & Hulu Plus & Project Free TV for me so what should I be watching whilst I am stuck in bed? HELP, I'm a TV addict and I need more TV! Haha. Or some great films would work too. I do love great films, especially Classic Film! So good.

And of course I am currently babysitting a film crew at one of my restaurant locations. And as an actor who has done extra work I just want to scream at these actors-SHUT UP. Stop arguing with your AD and me and please do what you're supposed to do; e.g. your job! be courteous, be quiet, be out of the way, go where directed, don't argue with your AD or site manager (ME), just do your job! PLEASE! I don't think it's that ridiculous to ask that. Apparently to some of these people we are asking the world. Get some priorities people, you get to play on a movie set all day watching some pretty famous folks do hilarious work on a funny movie set. Please be kind, courteous, and professional-NOT HARD. UGH, people can really frustrate the hell outta me.

Okay chickens, that it. Oh and about how I started another blog, it's not really for anything other than helping me to chronicle my adventures & misadventures in bridesmaiding and how I survived. I really want to turn them into a series of movies &/or books so I'm using that space to help me out with all that. If you want to help me out and ready it and leave comments it would be greatly appreciated-I will send you the address if you email me (alex.sedrowski@gmail.com). YAY for writing. Plus it's supposed to be silly and funny but also a real how to on surviving some major b.s. that can be weddings. I'm super excited about it actually. I kinda hope it gets a lot of positive response because I think my idea on this would be AMAZING for movies &/or books. I think we need more funny women in the box office and on the bookshelves, I just hope I'm one of them and that I'm right about this idea. :)

Okay, that's a wrap for me for now! Peace out my chick-a-dees!

 

"That spell has her good & loopy..."

What a busy week! Joe & I got our marriage license and booked an appointment at the courthouse, I've called a million hotels to get resos for out of town guests, I've looked up flights on priceline, I bought a bouquet & boutineer from Etsy, I have a friend knitting me a gorgeous bolero, I have amazing friends and family showing up to support us, and I have an amazing guy who makes me smile even though I am being crazy with calling a million hotels, people, courthouses and facebooking like crazy and blogging about this.

 I'm excited!

Also, it's making surgery seem more real almost. I am ordering a living will document offline, is that weird? It feels weird but also smart and also scary and also weird. I have another epidural appointment booked for next Thursday, hopefully this one goes better-in the meantime I'm on Tylenol with kodeine and ibuprofen and for super bad days norco. Oh little pills to numb the pain. Better back day today.

I have Fiona Apple tickets at The Greek & I am stoked! Also I see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in December-HUZZAH!

 Okay, I'm exhausted and the meds have kicked in so I'm a bit loopy, good night! :)



 

Cheesy

Last entry was a bit heavy right? Sorry, yo. Also, new blogger format sucks. I had paragraphs and it deleted them. ANNOYING. I cut my hair. I like it. See not so heavy this time. Joe and I are excited to get married. Of course still freaked out about a lot but also, we're getting married. I'm going to buy a bird cage veil and I have a cute ivory ballerina skirted dress to wear. And Joey is gonna figure out something. And SO many amazing friends are packing that courthouse full of themselves and their love for us. That makes me excited. And it makes me so happy to have Joey marry me. To have this train moving to healthy ville. And just in case so that he has rights to me. I want to know that he can make decisions if I can't. I can't stop watching Buffy & Angel on Netflix. I am at the cheesy points in season 6 & 3 respectively. SUPER CHEESY. My puppy Zeb wont stop digging through my freshly cut hair and licking it, apparently the product in it smells good. He is a doodle.

So that's pretty much it right now. A day without too many big scary thoughts. Good day in my book. :)

 

Hello...

Right, where to begin? There's no way to really start other than to start. This will be all over the place and for this I am sorry, but not really.

 My little sister got married & is pregnant with a boy. She was beautiful and perfect. We didn't fight once. My brother's got into a fist fight. Feelings got hurt. Things at that wedding were wonderful, beautiful, crazy, brutal. As Glennon from Momastery puts it, it was brutiful. There was never a more perfect bride. Even when she was a cranky running late mess, she was lovely. And I love her & I am so glad I was there. My little sister is married and pregnant with a boy. That is crazy to say. I am going to be an Aunt. Aunt Alex. Or more likely he will call me Ollie like all little kiddos do & I am a-okay with that. I already love little "Moustache"!

 Let's see what else... Things have been a bit of a struggle as of late. My back is out. O-U-T. For about 2 months plus now. So bad so we are doing epidural injections. And pain meds. And planning a surgery. A big ol' scary replace 2 discs and fuse another surgery. My insurance sucks & won't cover ANYTHING. The insurance I pay for to help me in times like this WILL NOT COVER ME FOR ANY TYPE OF SURGERY--THAT is RIDICULOUS. So here is the thing. My fiance, who is perfect in his imperfection, whom I love more than anything ever forever, has amazing insurance. That will cover EVERYTHING. We are moving the wedding up. I am calling it my "Surgery-Not-Pregnancy-Shotgun-Wedding". My silly silly life.

Let me try to explain this from the inside. It's hard to describe. I am going to try though. Please bear and bare with me. How do I say this? I hate my body. Not in a self conscious way. Believe me I have issues like every other woman, but right now I am in an epic battle, thus the hatred. Please excuse the dramatics but to me this is epic. The best way I know how to describe it is my brain is Batman, fighting the "good fight", struggling to be strong, to keep positive, to be practical and plan ahead, to think 10 steps in front of its nemesis. And that nemesis, the Joker if you will, is my body, well to be specific my discs in my spinal cord. The evil that stops the function of my body, that's the evil plan-to immobilize me and keep me in constant pain. Oh my Batman brain has fought back, believe me when I say my pain tolerance is ridiculous. My normal every day pain on a scale of 1-10 is a 6-7, my 10=a normal person's 40; now you do the math. I'm frustrated! I am tired of the fight! I am tired of the pain! And I am pissed! Hell hath no fury like a Red-headed woman scorned by her own body. Again, you cry dramatics I'm sure. But I do beseech you to understand my purposes aright, now that's dramatics people-Shakespeare. Constant pain is, well, constantly wearing away at me. I am physically exhausted from it. I am mentally exhausted from trying to fight it. I am emotionally exhausted of the fear it drives into me, the anger it induces, the depression it allows to creep in at the seams, the self-pity that leads to the loathing that leads to the bitterness that leads to the anger all over again. Do you see why it is dramatic for me? I want to be honest and say that right now I am a huge jerkwad to people who don't deserve it. People who are supporting me through the goodness of their hearts and (I think) because they love or at least care about me. But when someone is super peppy "it'll all be okay or I'll pray/hope/wish for you to better", I want to scream "take that and shove it". It's horrible, I know it is. And on one side I feel horrible for feeling that and on the other I'm not sorry because those words don't help me. They don't make me physically better. They don't make it hurt less. They don't do anything but hang in the air above my head and twist into "I pity you because you're in pain but thank god it's not me". Then I'm angry at myself because that's all in my head being projected onto that poor person. And everyone who has "tweaked their back" or "hurt it once" or even strained a muscle thinks they understand what I am talking about. And they don't. Let me try to explain. This is not muscle thing. This isn't even a pinched nerve. This is a degenerative disease, degenerative disc disease to be specific. Think of it like MS, there is nothing that can be done to stop this. Nothing. Sit with that for minute... This is where my brain lives all the time. I cannot do anything to stop this, I can only treat the symptoms and the destruction it is doing one problem at a time. My story of this shit started 7 years ago when I was 20, 20 flipping years old. 20! That pisses me off alone. I did physical therapy off a misdiagnosis. I thought I was better. It kept hurting on and off. 4 years ago, it goes out in a big way. Right diagnosis, treatments, been in Physical Therapy/Pilates 2-4 times a week since then. Saw a personal trainer to lose weight. Saw chiropractors (no adjustments though-that is BAD for me). See an amazing Acupuncturist. Now doing epidurals. Nothing stops the pain. And so now we HAVE to, as in MUST, do surgery. Surgery that goes through the front of my body, through my intestines, surgery that requires 2 surgeons to complete it. A neurosurgeon and a vascular surgeon. I have seen the 2 best neurosurgeons in LA. They say they can help me & we should get moving. Then the bomb-no your insurance WILL NOT COVER ANYTHING. NOTHING. Oh and the 2 replacement discs alone cost $9-10,000 EACH. Not including anything else. Just the discs. Imagine where my brain is now. Drowning in thoughts. So many thoughts. And drowning in pain receptors. So many painful nerve blasts to this ol' Batman brain of mine.

And then-that fantastic ol' fiance of mine, my MoneyPenny, says "well screw it, my insurance covers it, let's get hitched right now". Don't you just love this guy? Me too. Now we are bummed we won't get to do it the way we wanted but he has helped me decide to put me first and take care of me. Despite the fact that I want my Pops to walk me down a beautiful outdoor aisle on our anniversary date of February 12. Despite the fact that I want a pretty dress and hair do. Despite the fact that I wanted my whole family and my super supportive friends to be there. We are putting my physical health before our dreams of "our wedding". We are taking care of me. And I want to kiss this man forever for it. And I'm also a little sad about it. And now we're getting a marriage license application, and calling our family to see if they can be here, and friends on Facebook are offering to help us at least have a lovely little courthouse wedding shindig. I cry all the time now. From pain, from brutal horrible pain. And because I am so fucking lucky. So lucky to have found people along the way who love me so damn much. I am so not worthy of all their love and also I am. And I love everyone so much it hurts. They are so beautiful to me. And Joe is their leader of amazingness. And this is where my head and heart live. And everything is so hard and scary and silly and trivial and so big it feels like it's swallowing me up. I really cannot describe it all, just know that I am a mess. Constantly. Totally. Undeniably. And I am grateful for the space people are giving me to be this walking mess of a human being. And I am angry and in fight with my body, the dick. And I just love everyone and am planning the rest of this year like crazy. And really planning these next few weeks where I am getting married! WHAT?! Oh lord. I am getting married, getting new insurance, becoming an Aunt, getting my spinal chord ripped up and fixed up, and I am emotionally falling apart and putting it together all in the next 4 months whilst trying to physically recover from a major crazy expensive surgery on the part of my body that makes all other parts of my body work.

Oh and I bought a laptop. What is wrong with me? I am ridiculous. And a mess. And that's where I am at right now. So flipping scared, stressed, angry, in pain, loved, and supported, and truly lucky. Welcome back to my head y'all. I missed you little blog & friends. I am sure we will get all snuggly with each other once again since I will have more time than ever in bed with my new Macbook. So get comfy. It's about to get all sorts of messy and honest up in here. We're broke, we're getting hitched in all the wrong and right ways, I'm getting surgery, it's gonna be wild. I'm not prepared. Please help. And I'll continue to marvel at this. And continue to be scared and messy. And ever so grateful for all the love I have in my life.

Thank you chickens, my dear chickens.

 

Sunny With A Chance of My Triumphant Return!!!

HOORAY DEAR CHICKENS I AM BACK!!!!!!!!

Okay, so I wasn't really gone anywhere, but I was gone from you all and this blog. Loathe me, feel free, I'm sorry! I let a lot of things take over. Some AMAZING, some not so amazing.

Here is my life story these past 2 months:

-opening night was amazing!!! I had so much fun & was a huge nervous mess.
-2nd & 3rd nights of the show did not go so well for me due to some certain hiccups
-every night after those 2 of the show has been mostly amazing and I am enjoying playing on stage every single chance I get
-I LOVE BARBARA BAIN! I wish I could listen to her stories every single day. I am relishing every chance I get to work with her and am going to sign up to take her acting class. LOVE HER!
-I've submitted a press release to my hometown's local paper so hopefully they print about me and my show!
-I've made postcards to send out to fancy schmancy casting directors and agents so they learn my name and face.
-I am starting Improv 3 next week, 1 step closer to entering the Conservatory at 2nd City and becoming the next Tina Fey-deal with it. It's my dream and I do what I want.
-I am starting to rain with a for real trainer on Sunday to help me look like a major hottie at my sister's wedding in July and my wedding when it happens (most likely Feb. 12, 2014).
-I have been buying so many eco-friendly & conscious items that are vegan on Eco-Style, Ethical Ocean, 100% Pure, & Pure Citizen lately. I am in love with the quality, the ability to donate to amazing causes, and the fact that each item is safe for me & my family!
-My sister has super big and exciting news that is top secret! Can't wait to spill the beans although she and I hurt each others respective feelings when she told me. Her to me first and then me being in defense mode back to her. Why is it with sisters you immediately revert to your kid self and cannot talk as an adult when you're feelings are hurt? You just immediately do the kid thing and hurt their feeling back? It's a mystery I don't think I'll ever solve.
-Joe and I are going to be cleaning out our apartment and are going get rid of a bunch of stuff-garage sale anyone?
-I am going to be making a website for my actor stuff and just might make a new blog site if I can figure out how to do it all.
-I want to buy a Mac so I can use iWeb to design these sites & am looking into how I can afford that.
-I am going to be joining SAG soon-hooray union acting!!! :D
-I have discovered how crazy people can be and how horrible they can be. Admitting you made a mistake rather than throwing an innocent person under the bus to save face is WAY more adult and cool than the latter. The latter, in fact, makes people angry with you & lose any respect they had for you. Also lying is NOT cool. EVER.
-Joe and my heart was made even fuller when we took Colonel Mustard to The Amanda Foundation and let him pick out his new little brother. Zebulon "Zeb" Walton Sedrowski-Timmer is the new addition to our growing family. We love him SO much. He is a 16 week old Jack Russell-Beagle mix who looks way more Jack Russell than beagle, which is cool since Colonel looks more beagle than Jack Russell.
-TCM Film Festival was this weekend and I am SUPER BUMMED I missed it this year but I am already plotting for next year.
-I got a new phone, the iPhone 4S. It's cool though I hate that it is made by children in China who die making them and that Apple uses a crap ton of coal to produce their products. Can't some tech savvy person open a U.S. made electronic company that is eco-conscious? I'd buy from them, no matter the cost. Someone help me out with that!
-As I age I realize how awesome and wise my Pops was when he made us do stuff as a kid like only buy things made in the USA (working and living wages with labor laws versus paying cents a day for child labor) and growing food in a garden in our backyard or going to the Farmer's Market. And my folks joke I'm such a hippie now-HELLO! I got it from you guys! :D
-I am exhausted all the time but I kind of am loving it. Every day.
-I am super grateful for Joe & Colonel & Zeb! They were all napping on the couch yesterday and I started tearing up because I love them and our family so much!
-I am dying for Joe to finish his PhD so we can see what our next exciting adventure is! I am experiencing major wanderlust right now and am dying to go travel and live somewhere new-though I do love L.A.!

So that is about it! How are all of you doing out there in blog land? Did you miss me as much as I missed you?! If no just lie, if yes than be glad that I am back & going to be adding a crap ton of pictures ASAP showing you a lot of things I mentioned above! :D

Sunny With a Chance of Red Carpet?!

Hello dear chickens! So today is a big day for me-my show Why We Have A Body is opening tonight complete with a red carpet, photographers, celebs, champagne & finger-foods, good friends, and my fiance! I cannot tell you how excited I am to be opening! I hope if you're in the LA area you come see me alongside legendary actress Barbara Bain, our fearless director & costar Tanna Frederick, and the divine Cathy Arden. I cannot tell you how amazingly grateful I am to be apart of this production and to my dear friend John for being my champion to get me the audition!

Hope to see you tonight or tomorrow on our red carpet! It's opening weekend galas at the Edgemar every single day this weekend! :D

Cloudy With A Chance of Naps

Colonel Mustard here. Life has been pretty chaotic since mom got an acting job! But that meant I got to hang out with my Dad's friend Peter & his roommates a bunch & have loads of attention showered on me all President's Day weekend-that was pretty great! And this past weekend Dad has been hanging out at home with me whilst Mom is gone. She super snuggles me when she gets home though!! It's been pretty great to get so much attention while she's busy & I can't go to work with her so I've had fun anyway. Here's me doing what I do best:



Colonel &