"Beauty soap doesn't bubble!"

You know what? I think Clark Gable is the best medecine for a shitty weekend.



All I have to do is watch one of his movies (or even when I'm reading "Gone With The Wind" & "Scarlett")and he just puts me in a much better mood. What a fantastic all around man. Something about him. A certain je ne sais quoi.

This weekend has been a crappy crap shoot. I've basically been yelled at all weekend from both work establishments. Not by my bosses but by someone who wants/needs something from them. It's just exhausting being on your feet for hours, or running around for hours, or whatever-then have people rude, curt, bitchy, and just all around ass-hole-ish to you for hours. Ugh! I'm glad it's all done.

Also after being sick for 2 weeks my mom made me cave and just buy ge damn $90 antibiotics supposed to help get me well. Well let me tell you if they don't I'll be pissed off for sure. I mean $90 for 7 pills?! Ridiculous!

Not to stick in the bad mood, the good news from the weekend is that Mad Hatter March Hair creations has sold another hat! YAY! Check us out on Facebook and buy one. :D

Hope this week goes well for me and all of you, it seems everyone has been a bit off but hopefully this week will turn it around.

"Lord I was born a ramblin' man..."

Today is a potato kind of day. Seriously. Don't warm potato foods sound great on chilly, grey, fall-ish days? I'm wearing my velvety sweat pants and a beater and I want potato! Maybe it's the Irish/Polish poking out...

I'm a little freaked out by all the people I know that are engaged, getting married, married, pregnant, or just delivered a baby. I mean I'm only 24 and it freaks me out to think of myself in those situations. Is that wrong? Should I want those things? I just don't feel anywhere near ready for that stuff. I've been with Joe for almost 4 years now and that all still freaks me out. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for all my friends but for me just thinking about all that stuff gives me the willies. Maybe that's because I'm "an 8 year old boy" as my friend put it. I guess I'd just rather watch movies where shit blows up or girls turn into fairy princesses and play pretend than have all that grown-up stuff going on. I just don't think I'm ready for the responsibility yet.

Also I'm really missing fall right now. My little Michigan heart knows it's supposed to be chilly and full of fall foliage and what do I get out here in Cali? Mostly sun and hot and green leaves. Today was a little fall-ish and my heart felt like it would burst with excitement! I love fall, I'm glad to be visiting home in October so I can get a little bit of it and get to go to the cider mill and just enjoy wearing jeans and a sweatshirt! Ahh, how delightful.

I'm super missing a lot of my NYC friends right now. I wish I had money to afford a trip out there but I am SO broke ass right now. I have about $200 in my bank account and $600 on my credit card for medical stuff and my plane ticket home. Blah! I hate money, mostly because I never seem to have any. Ha! What can you do? I guess I'll just have to keep calling all of them and trying to stay connected that way since I can't go visit them. Boo!

I'm really missing a lot of people right now actually. Friends in NYC, MI, and Chicago. Also my family. And actually I am starting to want to reconnect with a lot of people again. Family members that have been absent for over a decade, friends that screwed me over, people I may have been shitty to due to immaturity. Is it weird that I want to capture the past and make it new/better? I dunno. I guess I'm in that place right now. We'll see where it takes me.

I've been working a lot and doing physical therapy/acupuncture a lot and am seeing results. I'm so tired from work all the time but my body is so much stronger and less pained. It's this weird combo. I've been craving more going out time though and wanting to get into trouble when I do go out. Which is bad. So I guess it's good that I'm broke because when I get like this I tend to destroy things/relationships. This way I am forced to behave a little. haha.

My hat/hair piece business is on slight hold right now but I really want to get on the ball about it so we can sell some amazing pieces and make some money. I love that people love them. I want it to spread like wild-fire. I also want to get my acting career going already. My boss (who is a successful actor, see him the Final Destination movie that just came out) says that all the stuff I'm doing is on track, that's how he started, etc. But I am too impatient to wait, I want it to get off the ground now and in a big way. I suppose I will have to learn a little patience.

I suppose that's about it for now. More to come, as always...

just thinking...

I saw two monarchs lazily and crazily chasing each other today
it made me miss that sort of lifestyle
that lifestyle of childhood
where you crazily chased around in earnest for hours
then slept lazily on the hammock for a few
only to run amuck once more until dark or dinner, whichever came first.

I saw two monarchs flitting about in patterns today
it made me wish I wasn't heading into work
carrying three heavy bags on my shoulders
trying to walk and stand correctly
remembering all the doctors and physical therapist have told me
wishing to dance and flit about as I please with no care for what the effects might be.

I saw two monarchs rise with the wind and glide with ease
it made me want to be freeof all responsibilities
feeling like you belong to a job or a chore or an errand
pretending to care about things you do just to get by
wanting to sink my toes in sand or swim a lake or climb a mountain or walk in a field of flowers.

I saw two monarchs todayand it made me think
why don't I do all those things anyway
play and chase and nap and climb and swim and dance
and I've got a feeling that I'm tired of putting everything else first
I'm going to let my inner child have a bit more fun and live their dreams, even if that means looking like a weirdo staring at two butterflies flying around a telephone pole.

"Candy in every single recipe? Jeeee-suhs christ!"

So same ol', same ol'. Lots of work, physical therapy, accupuncture, etc.

I did go home for 10 days, which was lovely. Lots of visiting with the family which means food, fights, fun, gossip, and lots of alcohol. Visited my aunt, her daughter, and her 5 little boys. It was so good to see them all. Went to a good friend's bridal shower. Went to teo good friends' wedding. Went to Detroit for the day and ate lots of good Polish food and bought two beautiful amber rings. It was just a great trip.

I had loads to catch up on but I'm finally feeling like I'm all caught up. Some drama with a late night phone call from a family member that just broke my heart. It seriously blows my mind how many things we as women have to deal with that men seem not to have any idea about. The decisions we're forced to make and live with, the amount of pressure on us, all the things we juggle and are supposed to be okay with. It just blows my mind. The phone call resulted in me being up all night and stressed for the rest of the week. I'm starting to be less worried now that I know she is going to go talk to a professional counselor or therapist.

It's just been a lot but a kinda boring here on the homefront. We'll see what it shapes up to be now that Joe goes back to school next week. I'm gonna really try to get an agent too, I'm tired of not doing what I set out to do with my life. We'll see how that all works out.

Hope all is well for y'all as well. :D

"That's the 'Executive'..."

So as some or most of you know I hurt my back 4 years ago, did Physical Therapy for about 9 mos. and then felt great.I had a little bit of a problem with it after that when I would try to lift heavy things or work a double but this past Christmas it went out pretty bad and after a couple days rest it was great again.

April '09 it went out when I tried to carry a laundry basket containing a pair of jeans, a pair of sweat pants, and a t-shirt. I collapsed and the next day called my insurance company who sent me to an orthopedic spinal specialist who really was a chiropractor, she made it worse. I went to the ER got some meds, felt better, went to an internalist recommended by them.

Internalist ordered X-ray, blood work, MRI. Results are I have disc compression/dessication in my L3-L4, L4-L5, and L5-T1 discs. I also have bulging in all 3 discs. I went to see a spinal surgical specialist.

I will have to have surgery. He said he's never seen such degenerative disease in anyone my age. He was shocked at what he was seeing. There is no avoiding it I will have to have surgery and remove all three discs and replace them with artificial discs. I need to find surgeons very good technically because they have to go in from the front and have a vascular surgeon move the blood vessels over, then have the spinal surgeon remove and replace the discs, then the vascular surgeon moves the blood vessels back. They have one shot because the scar tissue that develops will block them from being able to go back in again.

HOWEVER...the specialist said to wait as long as possible on it since I am so young. He also said that to help with the pain and everything I need to do pilates, yoga, and acupuncture. Hopefully that will help me to postpone surgery for as long as possible. He said if I can make it to 30 that would be amazing.

So that is the saga of my back. It sucks, I hate it, I get to wait on surgery. YAY!

"One of these days you people are gonna have to explain your rating system to me..."

So I FINALLY get my MRI tomorrow. Hopefully this will clear things up. I am so tired of this crap. I just wanna start treating it.

Other than that, life is okay. Looking for a job that will allow me to sit down and not have to carry heavy trays-it sucks cuz I lose my flexibility of schedule but what can you do? Health is number one right?

I'm still trying with vigor to get representation. I am also submitting myself to a lot of work and hopefully something will come from that.

My friends and I might open up a business, things are still being ironed out but we have an amazing idea that could really make us money. We shall see...

Hopefully the clouds will open up and 2009 will stop its giant suck-fest. :D

Hope all is well with everyone.
*Alex*

"Until the barley has drunk up all the liquid and the lamb has crumbled from exhaustion..."

I got some not so great news on the old back front today. The x-ray shows I have minor disc height loss on my L5 disc in the lumbar region. And my blood work shows that I have general arthritic inflammation and my tri-glycerides are a little high.

So what does that mean?

1) They may have missed something in my original injury and that my disc has been compressing on itself for 4 years now.

2) Arthritis might be making my back even worse and maybe even my body in general more stiff and achey.

3) No fried foods ever for me again. I have pretty much cut them out but this means for real never ever. Not even just the once in awhile I do now.

So now I get to do an MRI to see what is really going on to cause this height loss and arthritis. But I just feel like this is such total bullshit. And now I really need to think about getting a desk job and stop serving. So I can get health benefits and so I can take it easy on my back I am really thinking about doing this but it really freaks me out because that leaves my schedule so rigid and prevents doing auditions/etc that I want to do for the career I actually want. This just fucking sucks and I've been on such a "being positive/optimistic" kick that this is really bumming me out and I am trying to choose to see this as "an optimistic opportunity" but I am so down.

It just sucks major donkey dick.
Fuck beans.

I think I just need to feel poopy about it tonight and then I am gonna choose to be positive again. I have to. Otherwise this is really gonna start to depress me.