"Until the barley has drunk up all the liquid and the lamb has crumbled from exhaustion..."

I got some not so great news on the old back front today. The x-ray shows I have minor disc height loss on my L5 disc in the lumbar region. And my blood work shows that I have general arthritic inflammation and my tri-glycerides are a little high.

So what does that mean?

1) They may have missed something in my original injury and that my disc has been compressing on itself for 4 years now.

2) Arthritis might be making my back even worse and maybe even my body in general more stiff and achey.

3) No fried foods ever for me again. I have pretty much cut them out but this means for real never ever. Not even just the once in awhile I do now.

So now I get to do an MRI to see what is really going on to cause this height loss and arthritis. But I just feel like this is such total bullshit. And now I really need to think about getting a desk job and stop serving. So I can get health benefits and so I can take it easy on my back I am really thinking about doing this but it really freaks me out because that leaves my schedule so rigid and prevents doing auditions/etc that I want to do for the career I actually want. This just fucking sucks and I've been on such a "being positive/optimistic" kick that this is really bumming me out and I am trying to choose to see this as "an optimistic opportunity" but I am so down.

It just sucks major donkey dick.
Fuck beans.

I think I just need to feel poopy about it tonight and then I am gonna choose to be positive again. I have to. Otherwise this is really gonna start to depress me.

11 pounds...

Losing this weight is much harder than I thought it would be...



I'm down 11 lbs. and 1.5 in. on my waist but I'm still hoping to lose more. We'll see if I can keep plugging along.

"I made a new house for him out of an old pasta box..."

So my back went out again.
Not awesome.
Last night.
I went on my ball to try to stretch and relax.
I used heat.
I woke up feeling worse.
I called the insurance company.
The recommended an 'osteopathic spinal specialist'.
Turned out it was a Chiropractor.
They made me feel worse.
I left crying.
I went to the ER.
I got a valium shot for the pain.
I need to see an internal medicine specialist.
It could be an aggravation of my first back strain from 4 years ago.
I might need physical therapy again if it's that.
If it's worse I might need surgery.
I'm just so annoyed this happened again.
I mean it flared up at Christmas but I am just not wanting to go through this shit again.
I'm so annoyed.
And I'm really pissed at that chiropractor for making me feel worse.
What a joke that office and those 'doctors' were.
I know some people love them but it made me feel like I wanted to die.
Jerks.
The ER gave me prescriptions for inflammation and spasms and pain.
I feel really loopy but better.
I'm just uncomfortable and icing my back and am annoyed.
I'm bed ridden for the weekend.
I have been ordered to take off work until Monday.
I hate being stuck in bed-I mean I love being in bed but not when I don't get the choice-like when I'm sick or injured like this.
Whatever.
I don't want to whine or be depressed about this but I'm just so mad.
At 24 I do not want to feel like I'm 94.
*Sigh*
Okay, I will be positive about this.
Maybe it will just be PT and I will restrengthen my back and core muscles.
I will not let this ruin my life or summer or work, etc.
*Deep Breath*
Okay, I feel better now that it's all off my chest.
ahhh.

Hope all is well with all y'all.
xoxox
*me*

YAY-10 pounds!

We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I...

Losing weight baby!

So I'm in a play and rehearsing every night for that, working everyday to save mega money for all these plane tickets, a bridesmaid dress, a tattoo, a puppy, a computer, etc. I have been so busy and I am crazy tired but happy. Gotta love doing what you want. I just gotta keep trucking and saving my cheddar.

Oh and I am crazy obsessed with 80's music videos on youtube such as Rick Astley's from my title there-genius!

1 2 3 4 tell me that you love me more...

so it has been a rough year, but I'm picking myself up and dusting myself off and starting it over again on April 1st. DEAL WITH THAT 2009! YOU CAN'T HA!

no we're having a party to celebrate the new new year that day. and i'm feeling better about life, despite being sick (AGAIN). it's all good. I AM GOING TO BE POSITIVE-even if it makes me sick to play the susie sunshine.

so basically, i'm being happy, i'm working a lot, i'm making not much money, i've been asked to be on LA INK, i'm trying to make a lot of money, i need a computer, i want a puppy, i'm sick, i'm going to class, i'm submitting for auditions. we'll see how it all goes...

hope all is well with y'all.take care.
xoxox
*Ace*

Fuck you 2009

2009 can blow it out it's ass.
This year is full of shit already.
My mom called me in the middle of a script/bookstore and told me my brother lost his baby.
I feel like shit.
I can't call because I'm crying so hard and know they'll be crying which makes me cry harder about them losing this baby.
I feel like shit for being so shitty and concerned when I found out they were having a baby in the first place.
I don't care if everything happens for a reason, this reason blows a fat nut.
I hate 2009.
I hate crying so much this year.
I fucking hate it.
I...am so mad...and sad...and hurt...I just feel like total shit and don't know what to say or do or anything...
I am a horrible person.
I feel so awful for them, I love my brother and his gf so much. I was loving this little baby too. I had already started planning little things to buy and do and...
FUCK YOU 2009!
FUCK YOU!