just thinking...

I saw two monarchs lazily and crazily chasing each other today
it made me miss that sort of lifestyle
that lifestyle of childhood
where you crazily chased around in earnest for hours
then slept lazily on the hammock for a few
only to run amuck once more until dark or dinner, whichever came first.

I saw two monarchs flitting about in patterns today
it made me wish I wasn't heading into work
carrying three heavy bags on my shoulders
trying to walk and stand correctly
remembering all the doctors and physical therapist have told me
wishing to dance and flit about as I please with no care for what the effects might be.

I saw two monarchs rise with the wind and glide with ease
it made me want to be freeof all responsibilities
feeling like you belong to a job or a chore or an errand
pretending to care about things you do just to get by
wanting to sink my toes in sand or swim a lake or climb a mountain or walk in a field of flowers.

I saw two monarchs todayand it made me think
why don't I do all those things anyway
play and chase and nap and climb and swim and dance
and I've got a feeling that I'm tired of putting everything else first
I'm going to let my inner child have a bit more fun and live their dreams, even if that means looking like a weirdo staring at two butterflies flying around a telephone pole.

"Candy in every single recipe? Jeeee-suhs christ!"

So same ol', same ol'. Lots of work, physical therapy, accupuncture, etc.

I did go home for 10 days, which was lovely. Lots of visiting with the family which means food, fights, fun, gossip, and lots of alcohol. Visited my aunt, her daughter, and her 5 little boys. It was so good to see them all. Went to a good friend's bridal shower. Went to teo good friends' wedding. Went to Detroit for the day and ate lots of good Polish food and bought two beautiful amber rings. It was just a great trip.

I had loads to catch up on but I'm finally feeling like I'm all caught up. Some drama with a late night phone call from a family member that just broke my heart. It seriously blows my mind how many things we as women have to deal with that men seem not to have any idea about. The decisions we're forced to make and live with, the amount of pressure on us, all the things we juggle and are supposed to be okay with. It just blows my mind. The phone call resulted in me being up all night and stressed for the rest of the week. I'm starting to be less worried now that I know she is going to go talk to a professional counselor or therapist.

It's just been a lot but a kinda boring here on the homefront. We'll see what it shapes up to be now that Joe goes back to school next week. I'm gonna really try to get an agent too, I'm tired of not doing what I set out to do with my life. We'll see how that all works out.

Hope all is well for y'all as well. :D

"That's the 'Executive'..."

So as some or most of you know I hurt my back 4 years ago, did Physical Therapy for about 9 mos. and then felt great.I had a little bit of a problem with it after that when I would try to lift heavy things or work a double but this past Christmas it went out pretty bad and after a couple days rest it was great again.

April '09 it went out when I tried to carry a laundry basket containing a pair of jeans, a pair of sweat pants, and a t-shirt. I collapsed and the next day called my insurance company who sent me to an orthopedic spinal specialist who really was a chiropractor, she made it worse. I went to the ER got some meds, felt better, went to an internalist recommended by them.

Internalist ordered X-ray, blood work, MRI. Results are I have disc compression/dessication in my L3-L4, L4-L5, and L5-T1 discs. I also have bulging in all 3 discs. I went to see a spinal surgical specialist.

I will have to have surgery. He said he's never seen such degenerative disease in anyone my age. He was shocked at what he was seeing. There is no avoiding it I will have to have surgery and remove all three discs and replace them with artificial discs. I need to find surgeons very good technically because they have to go in from the front and have a vascular surgeon move the blood vessels over, then have the spinal surgeon remove and replace the discs, then the vascular surgeon moves the blood vessels back. They have one shot because the scar tissue that develops will block them from being able to go back in again.

HOWEVER...the specialist said to wait as long as possible on it since I am so young. He also said that to help with the pain and everything I need to do pilates, yoga, and acupuncture. Hopefully that will help me to postpone surgery for as long as possible. He said if I can make it to 30 that would be amazing.

So that is the saga of my back. It sucks, I hate it, I get to wait on surgery. YAY!

"One of these days you people are gonna have to explain your rating system to me..."

So I FINALLY get my MRI tomorrow. Hopefully this will clear things up. I am so tired of this crap. I just wanna start treating it.

Other than that, life is okay. Looking for a job that will allow me to sit down and not have to carry heavy trays-it sucks cuz I lose my flexibility of schedule but what can you do? Health is number one right?

I'm still trying with vigor to get representation. I am also submitting myself to a lot of work and hopefully something will come from that.

My friends and I might open up a business, things are still being ironed out but we have an amazing idea that could really make us money. We shall see...

Hopefully the clouds will open up and 2009 will stop its giant suck-fest. :D

Hope all is well with everyone.
*Alex*

"Until the barley has drunk up all the liquid and the lamb has crumbled from exhaustion..."

I got some not so great news on the old back front today. The x-ray shows I have minor disc height loss on my L5 disc in the lumbar region. And my blood work shows that I have general arthritic inflammation and my tri-glycerides are a little high.

So what does that mean?

1) They may have missed something in my original injury and that my disc has been compressing on itself for 4 years now.

2) Arthritis might be making my back even worse and maybe even my body in general more stiff and achey.

3) No fried foods ever for me again. I have pretty much cut them out but this means for real never ever. Not even just the once in awhile I do now.

So now I get to do an MRI to see what is really going on to cause this height loss and arthritis. But I just feel like this is such total bullshit. And now I really need to think about getting a desk job and stop serving. So I can get health benefits and so I can take it easy on my back I am really thinking about doing this but it really freaks me out because that leaves my schedule so rigid and prevents doing auditions/etc that I want to do for the career I actually want. This just fucking sucks and I've been on such a "being positive/optimistic" kick that this is really bumming me out and I am trying to choose to see this as "an optimistic opportunity" but I am so down.

It just sucks major donkey dick.
Fuck beans.

I think I just need to feel poopy about it tonight and then I am gonna choose to be positive again. I have to. Otherwise this is really gonna start to depress me.

11 pounds...

Losing this weight is much harder than I thought it would be...



I'm down 11 lbs. and 1.5 in. on my waist but I'm still hoping to lose more. We'll see if I can keep plugging along.

"I made a new house for him out of an old pasta box..."

So my back went out again.
Not awesome.
Last night.
I went on my ball to try to stretch and relax.
I used heat.
I woke up feeling worse.
I called the insurance company.
The recommended an 'osteopathic spinal specialist'.
Turned out it was a Chiropractor.
They made me feel worse.
I left crying.
I went to the ER.
I got a valium shot for the pain.
I need to see an internal medicine specialist.
It could be an aggravation of my first back strain from 4 years ago.
I might need physical therapy again if it's that.
If it's worse I might need surgery.
I'm just so annoyed this happened again.
I mean it flared up at Christmas but I am just not wanting to go through this shit again.
I'm so annoyed.
And I'm really pissed at that chiropractor for making me feel worse.
What a joke that office and those 'doctors' were.
I know some people love them but it made me feel like I wanted to die.
Jerks.
The ER gave me prescriptions for inflammation and spasms and pain.
I feel really loopy but better.
I'm just uncomfortable and icing my back and am annoyed.
I'm bed ridden for the weekend.
I have been ordered to take off work until Monday.
I hate being stuck in bed-I mean I love being in bed but not when I don't get the choice-like when I'm sick or injured like this.
Whatever.
I don't want to whine or be depressed about this but I'm just so mad.
At 24 I do not want to feel like I'm 94.
*Sigh*
Okay, I will be positive about this.
Maybe it will just be PT and I will restrengthen my back and core muscles.
I will not let this ruin my life or summer or work, etc.
*Deep Breath*
Okay, I feel better now that it's all off my chest.
ahhh.

Hope all is well with all y'all.
xoxox
*me*